Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/02/2024 13:18

Unfortunately, you think you’re standing up for yourself when you’re actually being very aggressive. Screaming and shouting at people who have annoyed you in front of your child is not acceptable and you are being a very poor role model. Obviously the elderly gentleman ended up also responding unacceptably but that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been screaming at him. He made a simple mistake in the car park. Nothing happened, you should have left it.

I think it might be as well for you to learn conflict resolution and some anger management techniques during some counselling so that you know
a) how to de-escalate situations
b) why you behave like this so you can begin to address your issues

Currently you are teaching your child that if something irritates you then you scream and shout at people to sort things out; and IRL that’s not how people generally treat each other. Good luck

thisisasurvivor · 09/02/2024 13:14

NotQuiteNorma · 09/02/2024 12:08

There's a saying about choosing your battles. The secret is in understanding that some people just can't be reasoned with. People reversing when they can see there's an obstacle and people who don't pick up after their dogs probably fall into that category.

True

And fair play for speaking up also

Some people are utter fcking arse wipes

We got shouted at in a shop yesterday by the rude shop owner

My 2 year old took something on a display
I went to get it from her and he starts on both of us

Been going to this shop for years

Left everything down and walked out

Was so ready for a fight with this idiot but was he worth it??

So hard OP and I totally see what you mean

Throwawayme · 09/02/2024 13:12

Stop shouting and screaming at people. There's no need for it. Speak to people reasonably and politely and you'll probably get along much better.

Mistressofpemberly · 09/02/2024 13:11

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 12:28

I completely disagree with what people are telling you above, completely.

The world works much better if you assume most people are trying to do the right thing. The guy wasn't trying to run you down or hit your kids. Think about what you are saying. He had an accident, as people do, when they are flustered themselves trying to park. He manoeuvred into a space that was probably the easiest to back into, and then you banged his car (fair enough).

The sensible thing to do, given he immediately stopped and didn't ram your kids, would have been to give a brief smile and say- phew, sorry, I thought you were going to hit us! He would have then said 'I'm so sorry, I didn't see you' etc.

I never ever escalate these situations, I park in a hospital about two to three times a week and the parking is a nightmare, and people drive too close, people are wandering around, you don't have great visibility, and all of it goes much better when everyone is kind, offers up their space, waves to say thanks and apologises if there's a problem. I've spend nearly a decade going in and out of the place and not had one, one incident, and most people are cheery and nice, and resigned that small car parks and large cars are the way it is right now.

Why pick a fight, your child got pushed. Just stop. Just assume the best and go in with a reasonably ok face and not angry and picking fights. If you had a go at me, I'd have one back, and be extremely cross myself as of course he wasn't running you down on purpose, he made a mistake.

Do you want people to forgive your mistakes? Then do so in others and protect your kids better by stopping escalating with strangers.

This is exactly right ^^

Vivi0 · 09/02/2024 13:11

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 12:58

Stop excusing male violence and blaming women for it. I'm fed up of women having to fucking submit and tolerate shitty behaviour from men. No way would this man have reacted in the same way if the OP was male.

I hope you're ok OP.

Show quote history

What shitty behaviour did the OP have to tolerate from this man?

She was screaming and shouting at him in the car park, she followed him in the waiting room, berated him and made sarcastic comments to him.

In what way was the OP made to submit to this man?

Haffdonga · 09/02/2024 13:08

What happened after he pushed the receptionist? That's assault and far more serious than your specsavers jibe.

boopboopbidoop · 09/02/2024 13:08

ilovesooty · 09/02/2024 12:08

A repeat incident might result in your being removed from the doctor's list. At least you realise that you have a problem you need to address.

What problem? Pointing out to a tosser that they almost caused an accident? I suspect the man who physically assaulted 2 women and a small child is the one who will be sanctioned.

Mistressofpemberly · 09/02/2024 13:07

You sound like a nightmare. Stand up for yourself by all means if necessary but you clearly escalated things too far over nothing at all.
you don’t know what the man was there for. He might have been very stressed out waiting for test results and you goaded him. Actually nothing happened in the car park did it? He parked in a different space.

you need to get a grip of yourself.
I’m surprised at the number of yanbu votes.

NotSoBigCrocodile · 09/02/2024 13:05

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 12:54

I would say him because I started off asking a question did he realise and he started making it personal mocking me for the type of car I drove which frankly is none of his business as long as it was parked properly which it was. In my mind this suggested that he actually did do it on purpose as he clearly had a chip on his shoulder about people driving bigger cars. And I clearly have a chip on my shoulder about people trying to reverse over pedestrians with children when there is plenty of space for everyone. Him pushing the receptionist just came out the blue really, she was just asking everyone to calm down, quite rightly, that's when he did it. I am not absolving myself of blame as I inflamed the situation, particularly with the spec savers comment and I could have said nothing at all in the beginning and for on happily with me say, he could reverse into the next person happily (probably will anyway I'd his eye sight is that poor). Or just maybe he'll think twice. As will I!!

Show quote history

I would say him because I started off asking a question did he realise

If you really can’t see how it was you that started the incident in the waiting room, then I would definitely recommend counselling OP. You say in your initial post that:

I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

It is pretty obvious that he realised what happened given that you were screaming and shouting at him in the car park and that he drove off and parked elsewhere. So you asking him the question in the waiting room “Did you realise…” can only be you gunning for an argument. I don’t see what else you were trying to achieve.

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 13:03

What you must learn is that no one must be challenged or criticised. Back in the day the old duffer who nearly squashed you in the car park would’ve had said sorry, Oh no not now. Anyone you tell off wants to escalate things. I think it’s got worse since covid personally.

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 09/02/2024 13:03

I think unfortunately many people are honestly evil these days, not necessarily criminals but sure , give them a chance, many with such character tendencies ( not you but the man who pushed you and another woman and you holding the baby???) , will eventually abuse someone physically or abuse or etc

you see these young people stabbing others around just because they were not in good mood. These are real people walking the streets every day who given a chance to be cruel would.

My advice won't be the most popular, but if you are not sure and they are strangers, keep quiet and mind your own business.

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 13:03

Deebee90 · 09/02/2024 12:51

Maybe he’s right and you do need to get a smaller car. Car park spaces are small and if you’re taking up a free parking space by taking your door open it shows the car is too big. He was probably expecting you to shut the door so he could reverse in. You carried on the argument by going for him. Maybe next time take a deep breathe rather then lashing out. Next time it could be someone that will do something worse than push you.

There were 6 other free parking spaces... Would you really choose the one with parent unloading their child out of all the available options? Even despite there being at least three spaces free and alltogether which are easy to park in?
It's either bloody mindedness, inconsiderate behaviour or he was just blind. I could have driven a mini in there and only just had enough room within the space to get my DS out with door open. I'm not exactly skinny myself and the spaces are tight. We do have a smaller car but it doesn't fit both our car seats and bases in unfortunately so my other half drives it.

OP posts:
DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 09/02/2024 13:03

NotQuiteNorma · 09/02/2024 12:08

There's a saying about choosing your battles. The secret is in understanding that some people just can't be reasoned with. People reversing when they can see there's an obstacle and people who don't pick up after their dogs probably fall into that category.

I agree with this. I’m very much like you, OP, and would usually say something to people doing the horrible things that you mention. But experience has shown me that when a person is behaving unreasonably, it’s not possible to reason with them, no matter how right I am. So I try just to say “nut job” in my head or under my breath and move on.
Sorry that happened to you 💓

cerisepanther73 · 09/02/2024 13:02

@Namechangey23

Unfortunately in life there are individuals who are Arseholes,

Thankfully there are some decent 👌 people who are better too,

Choose your battles wisely in life,

i know its easier to say in theory than in reality,
with these kinds of Arseholes come across in life to contend with Unfortunatel,

It's understandable you got worked up about parking issue and dog shit issue on your door step footpath ect,

I really think 🤔 once someone gets a certain age elderly it should be mandatory,
they have to have car driving test to see if there faculties are still Sharpe enough to be driving safely on uk roads,

and there is nothing ageist discrimination about that...

LadyKenya · 09/02/2024 13:02

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 12:58

Stop excusing male violence and blaming women for it. I'm fed up of women having to fucking submit and tolerate shitty behaviour from men. No way would this man have reacted in the same way if the OP was male.

I hope you're ok OP.

Show quote history

That is neither here, nor there. The fact is that the OP had her young child with her, he could have been hurt, when the man pushed at her. For his sake, she needs to learn when to let things go.

Lavender14 · 09/02/2024 13:01

DelilahsHaven · 09/02/2024 12:01

It sounds like you stand up for yourself in situations where it would be appropriate to do so, but that you do it in a manner that escalates (screaming and shouting), rather than in a way that will lead to resolution. It's easily done in a high pressure moment, like a car coming towards you and your baby, but more easily avoided in the dog poo situation.

It is good that you can reflect and have insight into how your behaviour has affected these situations.

Try to think of ways that you could have handled this differently and practice for future incidents.

The ability to behave assertively rather than aggressively, and to strive towards resolution for both parties where you can, will pay dividends in your parenting.

I think this is good advice and I agree, it's reasonable to stand up for yourself, but you're going in quite confrontational and that is likely to put the other person on the defensive straight away. I'd try to learn more about the difference between assertiveness and aggressive communication and to be honest, I'd go for counselling. Sometimes it comes from years of not being heard as a child, or feeling like you always really had to fight for yourself or you'd maybe miss out or feel like noone else will fight for you. So understanding where its coming from will really help you to pause in that moment and say do you know what - is this worth it?

OriginalUsername2 · 09/02/2024 12:59

I think this was your Mama Bear coming out! It’s anger inducing when your child is put in danger.

I can relate in general though. As you’ve seen, people can be really odd and unreasonable at best, scary and violent at worse. It’s never worth it. But I do feel the pull to put things right very strongly!

PictureALadybird · 09/02/2024 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 12:59

Just get on with your day OP, the man will.

DilemmaAtWork · 09/02/2024 12:59

Next time something happens like this force yourself to take a moment and think about how much the trigger incident (in this case a man trying to reverse into a space) really impacts your day / life and whether you will remember it in a few days / week? Most of the time the confrontation and aggressive reaction to something minor ends up impacting on you and your loved ones far more than the supposed trigger incident.

If you had just shrugged and let it go and focused on your child in the waiting room you wouldn’t be in the state you’re in now, your day would have been so much better and you’d probably have forgotten it all in a day or so. But because of your reaction and subsequent behaviour you’re feeling bad about yourself and you’ll likely ruminate over it for a lot longer.

Was it worth it?

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 12:58

Goalandgate · 09/02/2024 12:26

I think this sounds insane. You provoked him for no good reason other than wanting to have the last word. You put your son and yourself at risk for what was essentially a parking error, maybe he didn't see you, maybe he thought he could fit in beside you or maybe he always parks there. He did move off & park elsewhere and that should have been the end of it. If I'm being completely honest you should have been grateful to him for not parking next to you! If someone provoked me in this way I would also be angry albeit I wouldn't push anyone but it sounds like you kept on at him. In a place where people go when they are unwell. I don't agree with other posters who seem to think this other man is at fault - you caused this and behaved inappropriately in front of your baby. If you seriously can't keep your temper in check you should ask for referral to anger management services.

Stop excusing male violence and blaming women for it. I'm fed up of women having to fucking submit and tolerate shitty behaviour from men. No way would this man have reacted in the same way if the OP was male.

I hope you're ok OP.

BobbyBiscuits · 09/02/2024 12:57

It's all about being firm, and confident in what you say when there's a problem. Take as if you're a professional doing it on behalf of someone else who has a grievance. Like, what would you do if this was at work? That way, you can be assertive and get your point across without shouting etc as that devalues your point and as you say, it can lead to worse consequences.

Tigertigertigertiger · 09/02/2024 12:56

Well you seem to be aware you have a problem and are working on it. Keep going !

Original poster
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 12:55

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 12:54

I would say him because I started off asking a question did he realise and he started making it personal mocking me for the type of car I drove which frankly is none of his business as long as it was parked properly which it was. In my mind this suggested that he actually did do it on purpose as he clearly had a chip on his shoulder about people driving bigger cars. And I clearly have a chip on my shoulder about people trying to reverse over pedestrians with children when there is plenty of space for everyone. Him pushing the receptionist just came out the blue really, she was just asking everyone to calm down, quite rightly, that's when he did it. I am not absolving myself of blame as I inflamed the situation, particularly with the spec savers comment and I could have said nothing at all in the beginning and for on happily with me say, he could reverse into the next person happily (probably will anyway I'd his eye sight is that poor). Or just maybe he'll think twice. As will I!!

Show quote history

Got on happily with my day that should read 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 12:54

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 09/02/2024 12:41

you verbally assaulted the man first , who escalated the assault, you or him?

I would say him because I started off asking a question did he realise and he started making it personal mocking me for the type of car I drove which frankly is none of his business as long as it was parked properly which it was. In my mind this suggested that he actually did do it on purpose as he clearly had a chip on his shoulder about people driving bigger cars. And I clearly have a chip on my shoulder about people trying to reverse over pedestrians with children when there is plenty of space for everyone. Him pushing the receptionist just came out the blue really, she was just asking everyone to calm down, quite rightly, that's when he did it. I am not absolving myself of blame as I inflamed the situation, particularly with the spec savers comment and I could have said nothing at all in the beginning and for on happily with me say, he could reverse into the next person happily (probably will anyway I'd his eye sight is that poor). Or just maybe he'll think twice. As will I!!

OP posts: