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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:06

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:02

@Woodenwonder I'm not prone to overreaction at all (maybe you're prone to underreaction?). But had OP not said anything, what's stopping this old man doing it again to someone else and actually running them over? If he couldn't see her in his wing mirror then he needs to give up his license. There should be no excuses for dangerous or careless driving, or for assaulting someone either for that matter.

Well yes absolutely this was my thinking, if no-one calls it out, no one is doing anything. But I probably could have approached it before. benefit of hind sight. I just reacted.

OP posts:
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:05

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:02

@Woodenwonder I'm not prone to overreaction at all (maybe you're prone to underreaction?). But had OP not said anything, what's stopping this old man doing it again to someone else and actually running them over? If he couldn't see her in his wing mirror then he needs to give up his license. There should be no excuses for dangerous or careless driving, or for assaulting someone either for that matter.

Well yes absolutely this was my thinking, if no-one calls it out, no one is doing anything. But I probably could have approached it before. benefit of hind sight. I just reacted.

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 09/02/2024 15:05

Male

Fcking

Entitlement

Pure and simple
I'm calling it now

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 15:04

HaddawayAndShite · 09/02/2024 15:02

So we have a man who has almost hit someone and a child with his car and who assaulted 2 women, one holding a child and OP is the problem? Fucking hell, I'd be calling the police if anyone laid hands on me in a public place, especially one that has his details on record and likeoy CCTV of the incident.

Yep. He was in the wrong both times

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 15:03

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:01

Isn't that a bit sad if it is true? I agree with you tho! We are all too scared of calling put bad behaviour, although in this case I feel like ultimately I should have let it go.

Maybe you should’ve let it go but I think lots of us are sick of other peoples’ entitlement 🤷‍♀️

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:03

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:00

This, this and this.

I'll take that although I don't think I was abusive. What would you have done in same scenario?

OP posts:
JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:02

@Woodenwonder I'm not prone to overreaction at all (maybe you're prone to underreaction?). But had OP not said anything, what's stopping this old man doing it again to someone else and actually running them over? If he couldn't see her in his wing mirror then he needs to give up his license. There should be no excuses for dangerous or careless driving, or for assaulting someone either for that matter.

HaddawayAndShite · 09/02/2024 15:02

So we have a man who has almost hit someone and a child with his car and who assaulted 2 women, one holding a child and OP is the problem? Fucking hell, I'd be calling the police if anyone laid hands on me in a public place, especially one that has his details on record and likeoy CCTV of the incident.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:01

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 13:03

What you must learn is that no one must be challenged or criticised. Back in the day the old duffer who nearly squashed you in the car park would’ve had said sorry, Oh no not now. Anyone you tell off wants to escalate things. I think it’s got worse since covid personally.

Isn't that a bit sad if it is true? I agree with you tho! We are all too scared of calling put bad behaviour, although in this case I feel like ultimately I should have let it go.

OP posts:
Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:00

Balloonhearts · 09/02/2024 14:43

So you gobbed off, picked a fight you couldn't finish (in front of your child!) and someone else got assaulted trying to break you up? Stellar role modelling there.

Yes he was wrong but you chose to carry on the fight. Doesn't matter how much he pissed you off. Do you know that is what all abusive people say. 'It was their fault because they pissed me off.' No. YOU are responsible for your own behaviour. You acted like a yob and made a right show of yourself. You need to grow up and set a better example for your kids.

Edited

This, this and this.

ComSci · 09/02/2024 15:00

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 14:55

The ADHD link is interesting. My dd is waiting for an assessment and she has this. Just yesterday at school she had a big argument because someone cut in the line. She can’t let anything go ever.

It is actually really exhausting to experience. And honestly feels impossible to let go - all I want is an acknowledgement and an apology and then I can move on. It can take a few days to leave my system - there is a massive surge of adrenaline.

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 15:00

DoubleScreens · 09/02/2024 13:27

One day you're going to pick on the wrong person and you'll get leathered. Nearly like in the drs when you put your baby into harms way. Also can't believe you basically caused the receptionist to be assaulted.

Don't blame a woman for male violence!

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 14:59

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 14:44

No. Explosive? You're being very dramatic. You actually are the one that sounds unstable. Are you scared of everything?

That's a little harsh. I can be firey I admit but I'm not the one who did the pushing here! Fully capable adult here no need for social services. I suspect I need to pick my battles and temper my version of 'assertiveness' but I don't think that's an offence for having my child taken off me...

OP posts:
ComSci · 09/02/2024 14:58

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 14:53

Haha... Oh dear. I have wondered for some time if I might have ADHD as everything else fits and the impulsiveness fits, I have changed jobs on a feeling of injustice before, it wasn't even my injustice but someone elses! I have told myself it's just a fad because I hate labels. But I look at my dad and my eldest son and we are all the same... I am also extremely disorganised, forgetful and lack time management. I definitely feel like I have to right a wrong!

Ha ha. Ok - well there we go. A strong sense of injustice, plus impulsiveness and potentially some emotional disregulation can be quite the heady mix!

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 14:56

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 14:53

What's your excuse for him assaulting the receptionist?

Truthfully? There's a big part of the story missing there in the middle don't you think? They have a cross word and next thing the receptionist has left her desk (that never happens) and is round the other side and then the old 70+ man pushes EVERYBODY.

What would lead someone to do that? Either aggression or fear. Seeing as he was not the aggressor maybe it's fear?

We need the full story really don't we

violetcuriosity · 09/02/2024 14:56

No I'm sorry I'm usually for standing up for yourself etc but you choose your battles when your baby is there ffs.

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 14:55

The ADHD link is interesting. My dd is waiting for an assessment and she has this. Just yesterday at school she had a big argument because someone cut in the line. She can’t let anything go ever.

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 14:54

Don't get me wrong I can bring out my Don Logan as well as the next menopausal woman, but I'd be surprised if I used my womenly put down powers on an old man at the drs!

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 14:53

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 14:51

Outrageous is a strong word. But maybe you are like OP and prone to overreaction.

Maybe he has bad eyesight or bad depth perception so parking next to another car helps him cue it up. Maybe he's had bad health news and isn't feeling quite with it.

Luckily turns out, op wasn't mown down after all, close one!

Shit happens and most people are not inherently trying to spoil your day. Particularly at a drs I'd be finding extra patience and particularly for older people.

What's your excuse for him assaulting the receptionist?

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 14:53

ComSci · 09/02/2024 14:49

I have this OP. I cannot let something go if I think there has been an injustice. It's particularly hard if I feel my children have been treated badly. Anyway - this article resonated with me, I don't know if it might help you. I'm not suggesting that you have ADHD, but some people are more sensitive to injustice and have a much stronger reaction to it.

I wish I could let things go and shrug things off, believe me it would be better for me, but I can get quite fixated if I feel someone has behaved dishonestly and can't seem to let it go.

https://www.additudemag.com/why-am-i-so-sensitive-adhd-in-adults/

Haha... Oh dear. I have wondered for some time if I might have ADHD as everything else fits and the impulsiveness fits, I have changed jobs on a feeling of injustice before, it wasn't even my injustice but someone elses! I have told myself it's just a fad because I hate labels. But I look at my dad and my eldest son and we are all the same... I am also extremely disorganised, forgetful and lack time management. I definitely feel like I have to right a wrong!

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 09/02/2024 14:52

I can be a bit like this. I got into a full on row in Lidl with a man who was putting his shopping on the conveyor when I still had half a trolley, I knew there wouldn't be enough space so I asked him to wait (politely) but he was absolutely spoiling for an argument and started having a go at me and called me 'silly girl' so I saw red. I had my DS with me who was about 7. Stupid of me really as he was a big man with a proper attitude problem and the security guy came to check I was ok getting in to the car!!

However in the situation you describe I would have restrained myself to dirty looks TBH. No point starting something after the fact.

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 14:51

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 14:48

@Woodenwonder this is hardly just someone wanting to 'park next to' the OP. He almost reversed right into her while she was trying to get her child out of the car. To me, that is outrageous

Outrageous is a strong word. But maybe you are like OP and prone to overreaction.

Maybe he has bad eyesight or bad depth perception so parking next to another car helps him cue it up. Maybe he's had bad health news and isn't feeling quite with it.

Luckily turns out, op wasn't mown down after all, close one!

Shit happens and most people are not inherently trying to spoil your day. Particularly at a drs I'd be finding extra patience and particularly for older people.

Missingmyusername · 09/02/2024 14:50

“Wow. This thread is insane. It's NOT the OPs fault that the man was aggressive. We shouldn't have to tip toe through life so as not to upset the men.” Being mouthy is just that. I don’t believe people are mouthy with everyone- just a select few.

When you have a baby or someone else with you, are you are happy to put them at risk? As long as you can say ooh I won. It’s risky behaviour. Some people won’t care who they hurt.

This man could have said fuck off and punched OP in the face! Gotten hold of her child, who knows.

He clearly didn’t react rationally. Things could’ve been a lot worse. I’d be mortified my sarcastic remark caused this debacle.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 14:49

nonumbersinthisname · 09/02/2024 14:37

Well done for having the self awareness around the impact of your own behaviours.

What comes across from your posts OP is a strong sense of righteousness and the desire for other people to behave to your own standards (eg apologising for mistakes etc). I’d suggest that while it’s good to hold yourself to high standards, you can’t control other people or how they react. So you need better coping strategies to avoid the red mist descending when you encounter other people who you perceive as behaving wrongly.

The old man at the GP - what were you hoping to gain out of the interaction in reception? An apology? An admission he was wrong and you were right? Just venting? I used to be quite reactive too and had to learn to let a lot of things go. Thinking what I wanted to achieve in a situation helped me do that. Plus realising that being pleasant (even though inside I was seething) got me a lot further than my usual sarcasm.

Yes agree. I would have been happy with even a half hearted sorry! I think it was the fact he nearly wiped us out and said nothing at all that incensed me..

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 09/02/2024 14:49

The best tip would of been to have a word with the receptionist here and advice that the doctor may wish to refer the gentleman for an eye test as his vision is clearly failing as he nearly drove into you.