Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling to come to terms with SN school. AIBU?

33 replies

CheeseAndSmackers · 06/02/2024 19:55

I have DTwins. One has a restrictive physical disability along with autism and learning difficulties; he has been in a special school since he was four years old. It was expected he would attend a special school since he was wee and his school has been fantastic for him.

The other one has no physical disabilities, is very academic and presents as NT; however, he also has autism and some extreme sensory processing issues. He was in a regular primary school and did really well until the end of the final year of primary. At this time, he was constantly angry and unregulated.

When he moved to secondary school, things fell apart rapidly and he spent most of the first year in and out of school. He was crying every night, angry, withdrawn and struggling to cope. His school tried to help but nothing worked. He would spend weeks at a time at home and never completed a full week in school.

His school applied for an ehcp and eventually he got one after it taking a long time to be assessed. To shorten a very long, turbulent story; it was recommended that he attend the same school as his brother, starting this coming September (the school caters to lots of types of disabilities). It is a very good school and my other DS is thriving there.

I know I should be happy that his brother has been offered the chance to attend, but I’m struggling to accept it (albeit I don’t know why). I feel DT2 appears as “too NT” to fit in at a special school. I feel maybe we didn’t give regular school enough of a chance.

DT2 was always top of the class and some parents were not so nice about it; he excelled in academics but struggled with friendships and other things. Other parents couldn’t see his struggles and always just thought him to be aloof. I’m selfishly worried about their reactions. Like I’ve failed both my twins.

Is he going to miss out on so many opportunities from a regular school? Deep down, I know he will not take very well to trying another regular school.

I feel sad and upset but it’s hard to put in to words why.

AIBU? Please be kind.

OP posts:
notknowledgeable · 06/02/2024 20:11

sending you hugs xx

Original poster
CheeseAndSmackers · 06/02/2024 20:11

@notknowledgeable Your post has made me bawl! (Not in an unkind way). I’m just crying a lot about this situation at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseAndSmackers · 06/02/2024 20:09

@BendingSpoons I feel socially he will miss out on being a regular teen and learning the resilience needed to cope in life. However, the other side of me feels, he hides behind a mask so is he really benefitting by being around other regular teens?

@Mouk There’s no asd unit in the regular school. We do have an asd unit near us where the DC spend 50% in regular classes and 50% in base but they decided they would not be a suitable place for DS. I think I agree.

OP posts:
notknowledgeable · 06/02/2024 20:07

you had a main stream child and now you don't, there is going to be a period of mourning. But he is going to be in the place that gives him the best opportunities for the future xx

Original poster
CheeseAndSmackers · 06/02/2024 20:06

There are different routes to access with learning in the special school. DT1 will never sit GCSEs but DT2 will have the chance to at a later date.

@Tooolde yes I think DT2 really struggled with the need for organising and independence. He has executive functioning issues and although I was doing as much as I could to help, he was overwhelmed by the need to remember everything. He is not as mature as his peers but acts very grown up around them.

OP posts:
Mouk · 06/02/2024 20:02

Does the mainstream school have an ASD class or unit attached to it. Maybe he would benefit from attending an ASD class and then when he is able may be able to attend some mainstream classes and have the option of the unit when he feels he needs a break?

BendingSpoons · 06/02/2024 20:00

What academic routes does the special school offer? Will he still have the opportunity to work towards GCSEs? What do you feel he would miss out on from mainstream? Is it social opportunities? It sounds like the mainstream school is just too overwhelming for him. If he is happier due to a more tailored environment, it will allow him to focus on learning and do better. He won't be wasting all his energy on trying to cope. I can still understand this is somewhat of an adjustment for you, and it may feel like you are grieving him having a more usual school experience.

Tooolde · 06/02/2024 19:59

I know its sad but at least he maybe happier to go in.
Secondary expect so much independence which is hard if behaviour can be a few years younger.