Struggling to come to terms with SN school. AIBU?

I know this is an old thread, but it really resonates with me, so I am posting. How is DS2 now, OP?

My own DS2 looks set to go to special school very soon. He is currently in Year 10 in MS school. He had been doing so well up to Year 9, then it all started to go wrong. He was getting very poor/no grades, getting upset & stressed & shouting in class. From having won a major school award in Year 7, it's been hard to watch the decline. He has autism & ADHD & always had an EHCP, but developed epilepsy at the end of Year 7 & it all seemed to go downhill from there.

I very much feel that I am mourning the child he was, the star pupil who was going to do A Levels. Now he won't even get to do more than Maths & English GCSE, they don't offer it at the school he is going to. There are not a wide selection of SEN schools where we are, and he will be happy here, just not achieving what he could imo.

DH says I am wrong to feel like this & i should be excited, but I just can't 😔 It feels like he's been robbed of the future he was going to have. Or maybe we have been letting him down all this time by pursuing MS 😔 It's pretty soul destroying either way.

You need to find the right school for him.

There are specialist schools that allow for robust academics, a variety of independent schools that take children with an EHCP etc.

Just because one is in a school that works for them it doesn’t mean it will be right for the other.

I have two boys with autism with very different presentations - my older boys sounds like your son who is moving from mainstream.

He gets through the day but he’s not happy and frankly I’d rather he got through school happy and emotionally intact than with a raft of A* grades and damaged by the experience.

He’s in Y6 and we got a specialist setting approved which caters for academically able children in classes or around 7-10 in a low arousal environment but with a mainstream syllabus.

Look at his skills and consider whether they will set him on an employment path later on. I have no doubt that my nd kids will find a niche for themselves in work, as they will be able to pursue special interests, such as technology. The world is more flexible now with partial work from home, shift patterns etc. It's secondary school that terrifies me for them.

Also, you are looking at the social side in a nt way. Many autistic people don't want a large circle of friends. Maybe they get more enjoyment interacting with one or two people, online etc. It is completely natural to be sad when things don't turn out as expected, so be sad for a bit. Then find the positives in how this will suit him better. If he tries the school and it is not for him, you could also consider something like internet school.

At moment he needs to build himself again and this placement sounds like it will do that. It may not be forever, you could look at independent schools in a year or two to see it's suitable transfer. Or nothing stopping you getting him a maths and/or English tutor to challenge him if you think be would cope a bit later. Inter High online is supposedly very good

Its devastating loss feeling when you realise they are deviating from the path you thought was open, the child you thought would be ok and you didn't have to worry about.

Hugh hugs

OP you sound fantastic, a real advocate for bot your children and they should be proud to have you as a mother.

From an academic POV, is it worth exploring 1:1 tuition out of school if you can afford it and feels your DC needs it to do well at GCSE level?

Working in a mainstream secondary and seeing how little support we can give your DC (not because I don't want to, we lack the time and resources), he will be so much better in special school.

He's happy op, he will have a better time with less demands while still following the curriculum and will sit his exams.

He's got scouts, he's got you, his brother and he's got friends. Lots of children have friends at different schools.

You will be far less stressed with a child who's happy going to school than the child you were describing before he moved.

Your son will be much happier there. Think of how nice it will be to send him out in the morning with no upset & fear about school, to somewhere where he will be supported to achieve all he can whilst allowing him to fully be himself. From a practical point of view its also easier having both kids at the same school. Through my work I've visited lots of SEN schools & they are fabulous places. Really tailored to the kids & accepting. Your boy will be so much happier & in turn so will you.

Best wishes. I can imagine how tough it is, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing for your DC. Watching a young kid go through the transition undiagnosed (the issues are overt) and therefore unsupported (mainstream, public) and honestly it seems so detrimental. Saw it with a sibling too.

Some good suggestions for outside activities and with these at least he can choose things that appeal and do as much or as little as he wants. If it was the other way and he was struggling in mainstream, his outside activities may involve getting support and that is very tough as they move into the teenage years.

Mainstream school can also be brutal for anyone who is struggling.

Hope it goes well and feels lighter.

Have you considered home schooling? This can work very well for very academic but anxious children with SEN. Unfortunately our experience of a very bright child in a SEN school wasn't great as they didn't have peers there with the same interests/abilities and were distressed at the level of work (and not enough differentiation).

I also think you need to let go of ideas of 'resilience' for a child who is struggling. Focus on the here and now and try and get their (unmet) needs met. Once they are happier and functioning better, 'resilience' has a way of sorting itself out.

From my experience of fighting for a special school for a child who needs it I'd say you have to take the school place. Funds and places are soo limited if they think your child should be in special school they really need it.

Look at how unhappy your kid is. Try to focus on what's best for them not the loss you are feeling. I've got a high need send kiddo and now my youngest is still non verbal and clearly is going to have autism like his brother. I've been mourning the loss of what I thought was a NT child as he was so different to my high needs kiddo. You have to remember you don't love them less you are mourning the loss of the opportunities you thought your kids would have.

Be sure to check your child will be able to not just access GCSEs but be enabled to achieve their potential. I have a friend who's kids is in a specialist school that offers GCSEs but non of the kids are getting good grades when she raised with school they said they are doing their best many of the kids can't do the higher level stuff so they just don't teach it.

For the social side I do think that's a valid concern. But there are ways around it eg scouts and youth clubs. You can even volunteer and help at most of these sorts of groups so can be there to support should your child need.

And from a personal note. I was a very academically able autistic kid at mainstream. Secondary school ruined my mental health. I came out with good GCSEs etc but 20 years later I'm still not over the school experience. I also have no friends from school, I was the weird kid no one wanted to be my friend and I got left out or outright mocked. All my friends now are ND themselves. I suspect at a special school I would have made friends as we interact socially differently to NT it's so hard in mainstream

I think it will take time to adjust to this different placement. But there are positives. Both twins will be in the same school, DT2 will hopefully feel less pressure with regard to the organisation side of things.

I hope that he has the opportunity to thrive academically and socially and he will have opportunities to join things outside school that will allow him to be a typical teenager and form friendships outside of, as well as inside school.

You're doing a fantastic job for your twins and I hope that they both have fulfilling experiences and the support they need.

It may not be forever. Maybe he needs the extra support and understanding for a few years and you can reassess at say year 9 or year 11.

In the meantime freeing him from the exhaustion and anxiety that mainstream was causing him will let him blossom in other ways. Not least, confidence in himself rather than a feeling of struggling and having to mask.

I'd second @Singleandproud and say cadets, or scouts, or swim club or whatever he's interested in sports wise will give him a 'normal' space if that's what he wants/needs.

So long as he can do his GCSEs in this school then he will also likely go on to college where there will be a mix of kids and some subject areas are much more suited to ND than others... taking a look at a local design college (16+) was an eye opener for me!

It's tough OP bit you have not failed your kids - either of them - you have them in a posit8ve environment where they can thrive.. and if they don't you have the wherewithal to change things for them it seems. You are doing them proud!

It sounds as though you are sad he is missing out on the school life you thought (hoped?) he would have, as opposed to thd school life he would actually have had in mainstream.

I'm happy for you the move has come so easily.
My year 8 autistic child has been out of mainstream school for a year now, with no clear timeframe of when they will be placed in a sen school. The process is lengthy and stressful.

I have nothing helpful to add, I’m sorry I wish I did. I do want to say that you sound a fabulous mum to both of your children, a real warrior. Keep on keeping on. YANBU

The mainstream school wasn't suitable but that doesn't mean he can't have normal teenage experiences.
Get him involved in cadets (Air Training Corps for quieter children) and he will have the opportunity to go on adventurous activity weekends, overseas trips, DoE, sports competitions etc just like school. All of the friends I saw outside of school were from cadets, school friendships tend to be quite superficial nowadays with less time to talk at school and more time whatsapping, meaningful friendships are often formed at extracurriculars.