My partner won’t marry me

Yes time to leave him he doesn't want to marry you

You put yourself in a very precarious situation having a child with someone you’re not married to. No ammount of therapy will fix that unless you are either financially secure or get him to marry you. Forget romantic notions, you need to focus on financial safety for you and your child.

⬆️ Succinct and 🎯

You’ve two choices. Put up with a situation that you’re unhappy with or separate.

OP - it's worth learning the lesson demonstrated by Lifetrials. You haven't been back to update so I'm guessing you don't like the feedback and hoped for some magic solution that would mean he would suddenly want to marry you. The only time I have ever seen this on MN was when the man was suddenly diagnosed with a life limiting illness and was going to need a full time (free) carer and had a bit of a swift rethink on his priorities. You are in your 30's. Plenty of us only got married and had kids in that decade so line up your ducks and start swimming.

@Lifetrials - you don't say if there are other children from a previous marriage and thus what if anything your child will inherit but it sounds as though you need to sell the horses pronto and get back to work. Probably for the next 15 years. I'm not sure I'd leave, as it's free rent and bills and you haven't left yourself a lot of choice.

I think you need to put marriage aside at the moment, it will only serve to make you anxious. You and your partner are together and have a daughter so you are a family unit. Your partner might feel pressurised and resentful if you make it a major issue. I do understand that you want to get married and would mean a lot to you but it won't fundamentally change your circumstances. Relax and enjoy and try to shift your mind from the constant thought of marriage

It might be time to move on. Get legal advice.

So you are having issues, marriage is not going to make those issues vanish

The point about inheritance tax is a good one. By failing to marry, he's probably disadvantaging his daughter, given the rules about inheritance tax and married couples.

Don't corner someone into marrying you. That would be worse than anything, you rather be single. Sorry op sounds like he is stringing you along.

It won't be your decision whether to sell up or not, but your daughter's decision, - though there may be significant inheritance tax to pay, forcing a sale.

Either way, you are entirely at the mercy of other people, which isn't a good position to be in at your age. I do hope you have a good relationship with your daughter, but her priorities may change when she gets married and has children.

She will get everything, he worships her. I don’t want to rattle round this big house anyway, would far rather sell up and downsize to something more manageable.
it is so sad that he still values his assets more than me after 23 years of companionship. He takes after his mother who is as tight as a drum

He's a high earner, you have a baby already. He has a foot out the door, OP. He's keeping his options open and doesn't want a messy divorce.

I'd make an exit plan before he dumps you first. I pray to God you are not a SAHM.

I would hazard a guess it's because he's a high earner trying to protect his assets.

If you give an ultimatum can you live with the consequences should he refuse to wed you? Having just been fucked over by my high earning ex planning a baby then stepping back leaving my financially fucked and holding a baby I wish I could go back and insist he marry me before getting pregnant. You don't realise how vulnerable you are having kids out of marriage, it seems so old fashioned to think you should be married first but in reality if you give him kids before you are married and he's got more money than you why would he marry you? Only because he loves you and wants to be with you through life and if he felt that way why is he not wanting to get married himself?

I can understand him not wanting to get married if there are problems in the relationship. Do you really want to marry him if you have to pressure him into it? I can't see that ending well

Why on earth would you want to get married in this context?

You had a child and live with him with no commitment already so why would he marry you?
Sad reality op but you aren't the only one who has fallen into this trap. Women give to mich and men to little in relationships.

So that’s it? All he’s given is a choice of two months - not whether he actually wants to do it. He clearly doesn’t. This would be completely controlling and would never be suggested if it was the woman not wanting to get married.

If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married.

So either stay and accept you'll never be married, or leave. There's not really any other choice.

Tell him you want to get married this summer and that’s it - he can pick July or August. A civil partnership works too if he’d prefer that.

If he’s a high earner I’d strongly suspect he wants to protect his money which is not in the interests in his child or you. Protect yourself.

Being very blunt, he doesn't see you as forever so he's not letting you take any of his money as he knows marriage = divorce.

It's awful to say, but why would someone voluntarily enter into a contract to give a person they had no intention of staying with, at least 50% of their assets in a few years, if they had the choice not to do that?

What would your monthly child maintenance payments be from him? Can you afford to leave?

He doesn't want to marry you.

And why would you want to marry someone who you argue with?

Why did you have to do individual first?

Marrying when you are already in counselling and having relationship difficulties doesnt sound ideal.

But staying with a man who doesnt want to marry you when you want marriage in a relationship that isnt working is not ideal either.

he isnt going to marry you. Think about what you want. Is this what you have now what you want?

I think I agree with him - your relationship is poor enough to need counselling, so it is not the time to get married. Why would either of you want that additional legal hurdle to jump if you do indeed break up?

If it was so important wouldn't you have got married before child. Anyways I did engaged them a month later married all in the cheap and had a wonderful time with our family.