NRP should pay for costs of contact, during contact - AIBU?

No, you can't force an unwilling parent to have contact with their child. No court would enforce that.

Does nrp work?

If so, go to CMS and disengage from any further discussion about finance. If not, it's still not mums responsibility to pay for nrp's car contact time. Either way, disengage. If the kids are say 5 or older, begin to manage their expectations around what nrp says and their actions

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

She needs to work on saying no to giving money and lifts.
If she's used to his abuse, it's going to take time to adjust to a different way of dealing with him. She's probably used all her emotional resilience getting rid of him.
As the kids get older and deal with him more directly, they will realise how unreliable he is for themselves.
Glad she got out of this relationship, it will get easier.

This. Mum should claim through CMS. Let them decide what Dad should pay. Mum should allow Dad to collect kids for contact but not pay him to see his own kids.

Has she done the Freedom Programme? She might benefit from some work about abusive relationships. He has picked his victim well in her, and as long as she give in he will keep doing this disgusting behaviour. Your poor friend.

How do you help someone be strong when they've been ground down by years of abuse, and then they've been so strong to leave, but the ex still knows exactly how to manipulate them

Could you suggest your friend does the Freedom course run by Women's Aid

I get you but in this case "afford" isn't really about whether she can afford these activities per se. It's about not being able to afford his choices. No-one can afford to pay for those, even if they are billionaires.

Nope. No paying, only very limited driving. The kids sound old enough that you say kids, mum and dad are separated. I know it sucks, one of the things it means is I pay for everything all the time you are here. Your dad pays when he takes you out. I’m sorry if he’s telling you differently, and I’m really sorry if it means he lets you down because he’s mad I won’t pay him. I’ve told him this.

and do not engage. ‘You are very welcome to take them out and they’d love to see you. I won’t be funding your time with our children.’

She needs to block him on the phone etc. set up a email account just for him so she can read when she wants.

yes she needs to make it clear he pays when he has them. If he tries the you need to pay or I am but having them say that’s up to him

then if he doesn’t have them explain to the kids dad suggested xyz and now can’t afford to take them and mum can’t cover it do sorry dads not having them

sometimes you have to be honest with kids

This.

not providing for your children is abuse

Your poor friend, I feel for her.

Honestly, she needs to work on herself. She's still in a relationship with him and still dancing to his shitty tune.

A good start would be being honest with her kids. Just lay out the facts... That these fun activities are entirely funded by her and she can't afford to pay for his plans.

Then say "no" to him one time and one time only when he starts in on his money-grubbing manipulative nastiness and ignore all further attempts to mess with her head.

If counselling is an option I'd strongly recommend it for her.

She and her children deserve much better than an ongoing abusive relationship that she thought she already left.

She MUST stop paying him. She is giving jn to his abuse now for a quiet life but she needs to harden herself because she is going to be manipulated and abused by him for the rest of her life—and the children too. She is nothing but a cash cow to him and the children are tools to abuse her. Nothing healthy can come from this.

I think she's fallen in to the line of thinking that kids need a relationship with their father at whatever the cost is to their mother. That doesn't apply when the father is an abusive bully. They're better off without him.

No court in the land can force a parent to have contact with a child. Who the fuck would enforce a reluctant adult supervising a child?

OP your friend needs to apply for CMS and disengage from all other contacts unless it's directly involving the dc.

It's a huge step to take (I've been there) but that first step will have a big effect on the 'power' of the relationship.

He is utter utter scum.

Trying to control her still through abuse of her and their dc.

Utter scum.

I wouldn't be doing ANYTHING to help that fucker out. My kids would be better off not having a relationship as abusive as that, so I would be doing nothing to facilitate the meets.

Of course he should be paying everything when he's with them. Of course he should be paying child maintenance. Sometimes, I really wish arseholes like this could be given forced vasectomies. I know they can't.

Well he is a liar? I mean I think that should be obvious. She should keep filing and claiming maintenance and if he defaults on contact she should accept that he is teaching the children a valuable life lesson which is always to take people at their deeds, not their words.

If the older ones are old enough to have phones then they are old enough to understand that dad doesn’t contribute financially at all towards them and whilst mum is happy to pay for everything herself she absolutely can’t be sending him money for days out that she would rather have with them.

No, of course she should not be paying. I would only communicate by text and only factual about dates, pick up and drop off times. Nothing else. Ever.

YABU:

1. You should claim child support. It is your kids money, not yours. Put it in a bank account for when they are older.

1. Stop entertaining this shit. Just ignore every request for money. If he is upsetting the kids give him a clear ultimatum and stop contact if he doesn't behave. There is no moral right to see your kids if you are a cunt to them. Put their needs first- he won't go to court.

Another person asking why she doesn’t claim maintenance?

She needs to be very clear that she won't pay for activities when he has them and he needs to plan activities he can afford.

She also needs to claim with CMA - even if she is too proud to get 'help' herself (which she shouldn't be - this extra cash could go into a babysitter or spa day fund for her, or on dates to meet a better man!) she could stick all the payments into a savings account for her children's future.

Sorry yes @Lonecatwithkitten I've just acknowledged that - but you can go back and ask for the contact order to be changed because he's not sticking to it.