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Original poster

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

319 replies

Addyview · 05/02/2024 09:31

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

OP posts:
Moodicum · 05/02/2024 14:49

If you’re close enough to be a bridesmaid you’re close enough to prioritise her wedding. Work friends come and go. Often you’re extremely close, you move jobs and that naturally fades.

Easipeelerie · 05/02/2024 14:48

Does she have form for being a bit princessy? Has she ever done things that have upset you?

libbylane · 05/02/2024 14:47

I don't think it can solely be about how long someone has been your friend otherwise newer friends, even really good ones, would always be second fiddle.

You are in such a hard position @Addyview I do think your old friend is being very unreasonable. If she wanted you to be bridesmaid she should have come to you to have a serious conversation about dates and what to do.

LateAF · 05/02/2024 14:44

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:43

I'm going to go against the grain here! Whilst I agree, your friends attitude has been poor, I have to say a friend I have known since I was five would almost be like a sister to me. And being asked to be a Bridesmaid shows how special you are to her.

There probably were very few dates the venue could accommodate for a summer wedding and given there is much time between now and then I actually think I would very much apologise to my manager and be attending my lifelong friends wedding instead.

Again, I think she has had a very poor attitude to this

I would only book a wedding on a day my sisters were free. If I booked on a date I knew they were unavailable, I wouldn’t expect them to come (unless the inflexibility in wedding dates was due to something urgent such as terminal illness).

ToxicOstrich · 05/02/2024 14:43

Flip it round. She chose a venue over having her closest friend at her wedding.

You've already said you'll go to your managers wedding. You're obviously close. I have friends who I am closer to than some of my oldest friends but have known for less time.

Being a bridesmaid is usually a bit shit anyway so I'd go with your first option and have fun!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/02/2024 14:37

She’s being ridiculous. This is why people need to organise themselves, esp if something is important to them.

BusyMummy001 · 05/02/2024 14:35

BarrelOfOtters · 05/02/2024 14:32

It's dissing a very old friend, who you assume will be OK with it and go 'oh fine then' you don't want to be my bridesmaid or be at my special day because of your new shiny friends....

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Um, how old are you?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2024 14:33

Glad you are going to managers wedding as sounds like good friends with both him and fiancé

You told hk ur friend you couldn't do that date

She chose a venue over your friendship

BarrelOfOtters · 05/02/2024 14:32

LadyBird1973 · 05/02/2024 14:30

It's really annoying that so many posters are missing the fact that the manager is not just a manager, but a really close friend too. And assuming he won't mind if she pulls out. He absolutely would mind imo.

Your friend didn't think you were joking - she thought you'd dump all over your other friend and do what she wanted. Regardless of how this would affect your other friendship and workplace relationships going forward. She chose her venue over you. That's fine but she shouldn't be guilt tripping you over it. Getting her fiance to call you is not cool.

It's dissing a very old friend, who you assume will be OK with it and go 'oh fine then' you don't want to be my bridesmaid or be at my special day because of your new shiny friends....

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 14:31

I don't know why 'friends' is in italics! On mobile app so can't edit

LadyBird1973 · 05/02/2024 14:30

It's really annoying that so many posters are missing the fact that the manager is not just a manager, but a really close friend too. And assuming he won't mind if she pulls out. He absolutely would mind imo.

Your friend didn't think you were joking - she thought you'd dump all over your other friend and do what she wanted. Regardless of how this would affect your other friendship and workplace relationships going forward. She chose her venue over you. That's fine but she shouldn't be guilt tripping you over it. Getting her fiance to call you is not cool.

Oneigeishma · 05/02/2024 14:30

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:47

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

People don't HAVE to get married in summer y'know. If they want the perfect insta wedding , in less than 6 months, over their nearest and dearest. That's on them.
friend's lack of planning is not OP's emergency. And why the rush to get married so quickly anyway?

I'd have loved a summer wedding but didn't want to wait a year. So i had it in winter instead. If that wasn't possible I'd have just found another venue!

She's made her choice. OP should be free to make hers. Not just another friends' wedding several others might have holidays, other commitments etc it's the price you pay for a short notice wedding at the height of the season!

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 14:30

I think your update actually makes me think even more that I would go to my oldest friend's wedding over my managers.

The venue had just 2 dates left in the year. The one she booked and one in the winter.

I also don't think it's as easy as choosing a venue over your friendship. When we looked for a venue we had to accommodate loads of factors: equal distance from both family's homes, rooms at location for family travelling, ability to have civil wedding and reception in one place, disabled ramps for elderly relatives... I only found 2 that suited what we needed.

I also think you have a lot of fomo. You talk several times about the buzz around the office and hearing all the excitement. If you were bridesmaid to your friend, you would be part of her plans and excitement too.

It's a tricky one OP and someone is going to be let down but I think I'd explain the situation to my manager and commit to taking the newly married couple for dinner once they're back from honeymoon so you can hear all about the big day

You say I never thought I would miss her wedding which suggests you are very good and old friends. But this really is as simple as you not missing it and declining your other invite.

BusyMummy001 · 05/02/2024 14:29

@muchof those of us who have very, very dear friends whom we’ve asked to be our bridesmaids would obviously check what dates there were not available before booking so that we didn’t clash with already booked holidays/other significant commitments. We did the same before booking the DCs’ birthday parties, too, to double check the DCs BFFs were definitely free. That’s pretty normal amongst my friendship circle.

Spencer0220 · 05/02/2024 14:28

If she really wanted you there, she would've listened.

We had to juggle 3 diaries when booking our wedding.

My MIL wasn't happy with the date. She was told that the week she preferred didn't suit the groom.

We ended up choosing a date that suited us. Hey presto she managed to get a day off work. Like I said she would.

ArrestHer · 05/02/2024 14:27

If you hadn’t rsvp’d to either I’d say pick your oldest friend.

but that’s not the case. You have rsvp’d and your other friend knew it. She has chosen a date when you’ve already committed to something else.

we missed a friends wedding because they booked on a date that we’d already rsvp’d to another wedding. It’s frustrating but I think as you’re as close as you say to your work friend you stick to the commitment to their wedding.

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2024 14:25

Muchof · 05/02/2024 13:34

Who books their wedding around their friends availabilities!

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Someone who won’t complain that her friend won’t be there to be her bridesmaid even when the friend told them they were already committed to another wedding on that date.

mummylove24 · 05/02/2024 14:25

This is a tricky one…but I would go with my childhood friends wedding as you are part of the wedding as bridesmaid not only a guest.

BarrelOfOtters · 05/02/2024 14:24

I can see her point of view, not completely, but it's not just about weddings and dates is it. She is one of your oldest friends and she wants you as her bridesmaid.

You've said no, as you are going to a new friend's wedding, someone she's probably heard you talking excitedly about. But in her head you and her were 'real friends' and have been for years. Of course in her head you'd go to her wedding and apologise to your work friend....because you have a long standing relationship.

In her head you are the one that has chosen, and she is having to re-evaluate the friendship based on that. I think that this probably means the end of your friendship in the way it is now. She's going to be sad, insecure and will feel that you've moved on and left her and your friendship behind.

If you don't go to her wedding you will have to do some bridge building. I don't think this is about bridezillas, it's about forming new friends.

puddypud · 05/02/2024 14:19

@Muchof I booked my wedding around some of my friends availability. Because most of them are teachers and wanted them to be there, including some of my bridesmaids. It's not an entirely foreign concept to not be completely selfish sometimes.

BrassOlive · 05/02/2024 14:17

Could this be a power play? There are over 300 days in a year and she chose the one day you told her you had another wedding to go to, really?

BendingSpoons · 05/02/2024 14:17

ECN73 · 05/02/2024 12:58

Maybe it’s me but I see this in a different way. Your friend asked you about dates, you told her you couldn’t do that date. She CHOSE a venue over having you there. I would never have done that. I would want my best friend at my wedding and if she said she was booked up on that day, I’d pick another day. Who the hell just assumes their friend will cancel the other thing? It doesn’t say much about your friend - although I guess in her defence people do go a bit crazy with weddings.

You may have to accept things will change between you and them. If she’s a true friend she will understand or reschedule.

I agree with this too. We had a list of who were most important to be there when we got married and we made sure the date worked for them. She decided it was more important to her to have this venue and a summer wedding. You were OK with that. At no point did you say 'well I have plans but can change them if needed'.

toomuchfaff · 05/02/2024 14:17

Muchof · 05/02/2024 13:34

Who books their wedding around their friends availabilities!

Show quote history

I booked my wedding so that my pregnant friend would have enough time to recover the birth and be present...

If the person matters to you, you make sure they are able to be there...

FrustatedAgain · 05/02/2024 14:15

Bringbackspring · 05/02/2024 13:59

It's a difficult one. In it's simplest terms, you have already made a commitment, and your friend did know you weren't available when picking her date. But choosing a wedding date is incredibly tricky, and sometimes conflicts like this are very hard to avoid.

However, I have to say that from vast experience, workplace friendships can often feel very close and intense. You truly do feel like great friends and that can often spill over into being regular friends outside of work. But have learned that 9/10 times once you leave a workplace and a bit of time passes, no matter how great friends you were, the friendship does wane. Eventually, someone you saw and spoke to everyday becomes someone you might only catch up with around Christmas time. Trust me, this is always the way it goes. One of my former colleagues actually asked one of our work friends to be her maid of honour, they were that close. But after a few years of not working together anymore, they hardly ever see each other. This isn't just me, it's pretty universal. It's very unlikely your friendship with your colleague will last long term.

My point following the long waffle above, is that your friendship with your life long friend is probably much more likely to prevail long term. You have so much more bonding you together (in shared history) than you do with a colleague (even if you really, really like them). You might be gutted if you missed your best mates wedding and in a few years time you've changed jobs and never actually see the guy whose wedding you went to. Is it more a case that you don't want to miss out on a fun event that lots of people at work are talking about? That could be quite short-sighted.

I think the sentiments here about work friendships are correct. You have a lot in common at that time in your life, but once one of you leaves you have much less left in common. You also see each other much less and the friendship becomes less important.

FrustatedAgain · 05/02/2024 14:13

Its inconvenient that she chose a date you already have plans for. However if she really is your best friend since you were 5 years old and you're incredibly close I think you should cancel on your manager. She doesn't just want you to attend her wedding she wants you to be a part of her wedding. This trumps guest to me.
I also think you could forever damage this friendship if you decline, if I were her I'd be very hurt.
I think if you were to explain to you manager you have been asked to be a bridesmaid they would understand.

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