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Original poster

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

319 replies

Addyview · 05/02/2024 09:31

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

OP posts:
NewName24 · 05/02/2024 23:28

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random

This reply clearly demonstrates either a complete lack of understanding of written English, or someone who read the title but hasn't actually read any of the OP's posts.
It has nothing to do with "ditching a lifelong pal for a work random" and everything to do with a person who has two very dear friends, both of whom are unfortunately getting married on the same day. One of whom had their wedding planned some time ago, and guests invited, the other of whom asked if the OP could make a certain date - the OP said no - and the couple booked the date the OP couldn't make.

Liverpool52 · 05/02/2024 23:15

DZbornak · 05/02/2024 21:29

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random! OP I think you should go to your managers wedding, your friend obviously means nothing to you anyway, so when the friendship ends I'm assuming that won't be an issue.

You clearly haven't actually bothered reading passed the first sentence if you think the other wedding is "some work random".

LadyBird1973 · 05/02/2024 22:53

OP I think you need your make clear to your friend that your manager isn't just a random work colleague, but also a really good friend, so she doesn't interpret this as you not caring about this.
I'd ask her to change the date. When she inevitably pushes back on this, she might see your position a bit better. As much as you love her, don't take any shit from her about this. Remind yourself (and her) that you were really clear and she booked it anyway.

Lilysienna1 · 05/02/2024 22:15

DZbornak · 05/02/2024 21:29

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random! OP I think you should go to your managers wedding, your friend obviously means nothing to you anyway, so when the friendship ends I'm assuming that won't be an issue.

She cannot make the wedding of one close friend, as she is already attending the wedding of another close friend.

Hope that helps.

Lilysienna1 · 05/02/2024 22:14

It’s a really really tricky one. But as you’ve described your exact situation, I think you’re completely reasonable, and your friend is not. From what I’m reading, these 2 people are both your very close friends, and I don’t think the length of a friendship matters. Some people might have a ‘best friend’ that comes above all others, but close friendships should be treated equally. It would be bad form to cancel on the first, and your friend of course is expectedly upset, but her behaviour is unfair and reeks of entitlement. As a pp already said, if you book your wedding at such short notice, you are going to have to expect that not everyone will be able to make it, and to top it off she KNEW you had another wedding that day. When I planned my wedding, I actually checked the date in advance with my best friend, as her being my maid of honour was so important to me, that I would not have booked a date she definitely could not do. Your friend didn’t do that, so for whatever reason she has to go with this date, that’s on her and it’s just unfortunate for her that you will not be there. If she continues to guilt trip you, I would be reevaluating the friendship.

DZbornak · 05/02/2024 22:03

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/02/2024 21:52

Your comprehension seems more like a pisstake.

Show quote history

Ha ha, ok 😄I fully stand by what I said, this thread is full of really terrible friends and opinions. But hey, it's Mumsnet, so no real surprise.

theduchessofspork · 05/02/2024 21:54

You told her in advance so she knew. It’s on her.

If they both invited you in tandem then yes you should prioritise her, as it sounds like you are closer overall. But that’s not the case, so 🤷‍♀️

SomeCatFromJapan · 05/02/2024 21:53

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random!

The "work random" is OPs friemd of six years who she loves equally, and who, crucially, invited her a year ago.
Whereas the lifelong pal prioritised a venue over her friend.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/02/2024 21:52

DZbornak · 05/02/2024 21:29

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random! OP I think you should go to your managers wedding, your friend obviously means nothing to you anyway, so when the friendship ends I'm assuming that won't be an issue.

Your comprehension seems more like a pisstake.

pootlin · 05/02/2024 21:49

Songiii · 05/02/2024 21:31

If I was the friend, I think the friendship would be over.

Not to be rude to you op, but I’d read it as ‘this is how she sees me/ how much she values our decades long friendship’. I’d imagine that the friendship would be pretty much over

You would also guilt trip a friend who told you she couldn’t make a date before you booked it?

That’s low.

Songiii · 05/02/2024 21:31

If I was the friend, I think the friendship would be over.

Not to be rude to you op, but I’d read it as ‘this is how she sees me/ how much she values our decades long friendship’. I’d imagine that the friendship would be pretty much over

DZbornak · 05/02/2024 21:29

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random! OP I think you should go to your managers wedding, your friend obviously means nothing to you anyway, so when the friendship ends I'm assuming that won't be an issue.

Original poster
Addyview · 05/02/2024 21:26

Thank you for everyones opinions, I feel a lot better about things after seeing the majority of people see my point. My friend is very important to me and its a horrible place to find myself in, in her eyes I'm ditching her for someone else on her wedding when we've grown up together and always promised we'd be each others bridesmaids at our weddings, but I see it that I told her I couldn't be there and my manager/other friend is also very important to me and I said yes to him first.

As for the person who found the thread where I was crying in my car, I can assure you my manager was also likely crying in his car like many would be having to face work after Christmas. He's not a part of the reason why my job is stressful and I've cried on him more times than either of us would try to count.

My friend isn't demanding and she's never been entitled. On this occasion I think this came down to a misunderstanding, she says she assumed I was joking when I said I wouldn't go, she knew I'd accepted my managers but I don't think it occurred to her I meant it.

I'm very wound up her fiance got in touch to make me feel worse about it than I already do and that's what made me feel bad this weekend. Especially when he told me she doesn't actually believe I won't go to her wedding and she thinks I will change my plans for her. There's going to be a discussion coming up to make sure she knows I'm very serious that I can't go.

And a few asking which I would prefer to go to, I can't choose. If I got the invitations at the same time and hadn't agreed to either I don't know who I'd have gone to. I love them both. And bridesmaid would be an honour bit it also feels like an honour to go to my managers ceremony when he has such limited guests.

And I know people are confused by the friend and manager titles, that's why I made it clear in my first post that I only referred to him as my manager because it was easier to tell them apart without using names.

My plans aren't going to change. I did speak with my manager about it this afternoon and he told me while he'd be gutted he would understand me cancelling. But I agreed to go and I will be. Hopefully my friend will eventually understand and I can somehow find a way to celebrate with her another time.

OP posts:
RingOnAString · 05/02/2024 20:57

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2024 09:48

She told you the date. You said you couldn't do as at another wedding

She chose to do that date regardless

Silly her

She’s not going to not have the wedding on the day that the OP said was particularly special to her just because OP can’t go though is she?

OP ultimately you can do what you want to do. You don’t HAVE to attend either wedding, instead simply attend the one you want to.
If the person whose wedding you don’t attend is truly a decent friend then they will understand. If they don’t and they cut you off or treat you like shit about it then they clearly weren’t that good a friend.

Beautiful3 · 05/02/2024 20:19

So she knew about your wedding, but still went ahead expecting you come?! You should obviously go to your managers wedding.

YorkshireLandlady · 05/02/2024 20:08

very similar scenario a couple of years ago but in reverse.
Had accepted the wedding invitation of a long standing friend (20+ yrs) scheduled to happen June 2020 - obviously rescheduled (twice) due to covid etc, to happen in June 2022. Lovely venue, all staying over as small wedding, close group so paid for rooms etc.
of 8 years (I run a pub) in the meantime got engaged & planned their wedding for summer 2022 & it fell on exact same date. Of course.
Wasn't possible to get to both obviously, they expected me to choose theirs & cancel previous plans, I didn't.
Things have never been the same since, with them or a lot of other people in the same friend group.
Tough choices, somebody will have very hurt feelings whatever you decide to do.

fairydust11 · 05/02/2024 19:30

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/02/2024 16:46

Your friend is out of order. If you want someone in particular to come to your wedding, and in fact want them to feature in the wedding, you don’t pick a date you already know they can’t do. Pretty simple really. If she expected you to just cancel on your other friend, she’s not really very nice is she…!

Agree with this completely. Op yanbu at all.

Hatty65 · 05/02/2024 19:28

I also think that some people have missed the fact that the manager sent invites out a year ago.

So, OP accepted the first wedding invite a year ago for 18 months in advance, gave her friend the heads up that she was already committed to another wedding that day, but friend still thinks she should cancel?

It would be so rude to cancel going to the first wedding when you've been talking about coming for a year. If friend is making arrangements for a wedding in 6 months time she has to accept that some people may already have plans. Let's be honest - quite a few people are likely to have holidays abroad booked and paid for in August! It's quite late notice for an August wedding. She needs to accept that not everyone can make it. I also agree with those saying she prioritised the venue over the bridesmaid. Which is absolutely her prerogative, but she can't then be annoyed about it!

helpnohelpno · 05/02/2024 19:08

When I planned my wedding sil gave me the date of her best friend's wedding and my best friend said she couldn't come if it was week day term time (teacher). So
I worked around, tbh I checked with the approx 20 people who we would not want to get married without before confirming my date

Threecrows · 05/02/2024 19:00

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:47

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

If you are dead set on a date, you have to appreciate that some people very close to you won’t make it.

the friend is rude to even ask OP to cancel her plans.

littlemousebigcheese · 05/02/2024 18:55

This is so hard, I'm sorry.
I would send her a lovely message and a bunch of flowers saying you are sorry you can't make it and you love her

She's not being unreasonable for wanting you there, or for feeling devastated that you can't be. You aren't being unreasonable for wanting to go to your other friends (I think saying boss suggests a level of formality you don't seem to have with them and which undermines their 'claim' to have you there on their day? They are your friends and you're going to their wedding, that's it)

If you can't split the day, I'd try and see if you can do something else - a spa weekend, a girls trip, something to show her she's v important to you

Marchintospring · 05/02/2024 18:55

empee47 · 05/02/2024 18:42

You couldn’t have done more. Her expecting you to drop the other invitation that you’d already accepted is total arrogance.

Hardly. Its what 30 year friendships look like. She knows the extent of your friendship as much as you do. Its very hard putting everything together for a wedding.

Having said that OP isn't in the wrong to stick with the first wedding. The fact she likes the sound of it more says it all. It will change old friends relationship and she'll know you aren't that invested in her.

godmum56 · 05/02/2024 18:48

"Not love said she, but vanity, sets love a test like that"

empee47 · 05/02/2024 18:42

You couldn’t have done more. Her expecting you to drop the other invitation that you’d already accepted is total arrogance.

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 05/02/2024 18:37

YANBU. Especially given her behaviour now, I would not cancel the other wedding. Chances are the friendship will be cooling anyway, you will resent being forced into this position.

Old friendships are not necessarily more important that newer ones. People change, mature etc.

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