Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

I think op if I was your friend and you chose not to go after a genuine miscommunication and asking you to be a bridesmaid and knowing you as a best friend from the age of 5 then I would absolutely be thinking the friendship was over as well. I'd not get over that even if I understand the conflict. If your friend was in your shoes what do you think she would do?

It's not just the wedding for her in the way it is for your manager. It's all the run up, the fittings, the planning she wants to share all of that with you. And you're saying no, that would be hard to get past

He's not really a "workmate", he's actually a close friend as well.

YANBU

I have always worked on the principle of no cancellation of a function already agreed even if you get a ' better' offer. That way no-one can be accused of being flaky/unreliable etc. One of your friends is going to be upset and it shouldn't be your manager. If you cancel that invite couldn't it cause a rather frosty atmosphere at work?

If she wanted you there as a priority, she would have run the potential dates past you well in advance of booking the wedding. My childhood BFF was my MOH and I booked her in before I starting booking the event.

YANBU.

@DZbornakbeautifully illustrates how someone like the bride, thinks. And that's very useful. It doesn't suit the bride to consider that the work friend is agenuine friend. And not just a work random! Or that the OP has obligations and commitments to other people, as well as to her.

This is very astute @LadyBird1973

Over the years (I'm 57) I've seen people put a lot of store in work friendships to be very disappointed when they end because of a change in job. It would depend on who the OP would want to talk to if a parent had a terminal diagnosis, a pregnancy loss, or even having to flee DV.

It is quite eye-opening to me that there are people who think you can't become very close friends with people, just because you happened to meet them in a place of work.

I have two dear friends I happen to have met at work, who I would go to with any deep issue like those mentioned, over friends who I happened to have known longer. Some people you just connect with. Length of time of knowing someone isn't the only way of measuring a friendship.

It’s difficult but your friend you’ve had all your life should be your priority. Go out with your colleague and his finance and toast their marriage.

Absolutely this. I’d be devastated if I was the friend. A lifetime of planning being each other’s bridesmaids v’s the other friend who has even said he’d understand if she didn’t come.

Then you'd surely book on a date where the most important guests are available, and not put a specific venue ahead of those people?

Absolutely this. I’d be devastated if I was the friend. A lifetime of planning being each other’s bridesmaids v’s the other friend who has even said he’d understand if she didn’t come.

@DamnSpots but as the OP said, the friend didn’t really have a choice on dates for the venue. It’s easy to say friend should have picked another date but in principle it might not be so easy.

I don’t got bridezilla written all over it

as OP said she was fully aware she was already at a wedding but just expected the other wedding to be kicked to the kerb

If her friend valued her that much, she wouldn't have booked a date that she knew the OP couldn't do, and then thrown a strop when the OP reminded her that she couldn't do it..

im also in the minority here but I think you should go to your childhood friends wedding - for everyone saying she deliberately picked a day you couldn’t make, have you tried planning a wedding recently?! You don’t have huge amount of choice.

Yes the friend shouldn’t have said that she thought you were joking but honestly if you are so close that she wants you to be bridesmaid than I can understand from her perspective why she assumed you would prioritise her wedding. We had a similar situation with clashing weddings but I would never have dreamed of not going to my best friends wedding even though we were told about the other wedding first.

From your posts, it sounds like you don’t want to miss your work friends wedding which is fair enough as you did accept it first but I think you need to accept that it will really hurt your childhood friend & she will probably feel like you don’t value you her as much as she values you.

Friendship doesn’t mean making unreasonable demands and expecting them to be met.

It doesn’t mean expecting a friend to hurt another friend.

You seem to have a similar outlook to the bride.

@Ponoka7 none of them have had stag dos since we've been friends. One now lives in France, I've been to visit him, my DH stayed home because he chose too.

I didn't leave my DH at home, because he's a grown up now and can decide for himself, to come or not come. He finds the visits a bit boring, because we end up talking about mutual friends and work colleagues, that he doesn't know.

He trusts me, I have no desire to shag my male friends or vice versa.

I know MN can't fathom this, but judging by the posts 90% of the women of here, don't like or trust their husbands

Your view of men dropping their mothers for their wives, I think these are the men that marry the mad bridezilla type women on here. My DH didn't drop his mother for me, my DS has not dropped me.

MN is not representative of the real world, on my opinion.

Do you go away with them, that included in stag dos etc while leaving your DH at home? Men drop their mothers for their wives, I don't believe that you can rely on a married mans friendship, like you could a lifelong female friend.

are you that bossy in RL? 😂

Do NOT go to your friends wedding.

You told her you couldn't make that date and she's ignored you!

Any true friend would never have picked a date her potential bridesmaid can't do.

Also, if you were to pull out of going to your manager's wedding now, then this could make things very difficult at work!

Yes all going strong we are friend not lovers. I work in a male dominated industry, so lots of workmates and friends are male.

I find it unbelievable that people have issues with their partners having friends of the opposite sex, it's so insecure and controlling.

Lots of comments about work-based friendships. My DH has 2 sets of friends - school friends he has knows since 11 with whom he is very close and half a dozen mates he started work with 33 years ago after university. They worked together for 6-8 years, much of that in different departments latterly, and then completely different companies. 33 years later, they have attended each others’s weddings (first and later ones), been godparents to each others children, and still go away on a ‘boys golf tour’ of 4-7 days every year (length varies depending on age of kids etc) and a weekend at the cricket in the Midlands every year.

If there was an event clash between members of the two groups, he would defer to the one he’d already committed to.

These days many people DO make better friendships with people they work with (after all, they must have something in common to end up in a particular sector/doing related jobs) than with people they went to the same primary school with twenty or thirty years ago.

You had already accepted the invitation and you had already told her this. I get that she can’t be expected to move her wedding day to accommodate you - the venue might not have even been free - but she also needs to accept that you are close to someone else who invited you to theirs first.

Are those who have made life long true opposite sex friends at work, is it still going strong through both your marriages? It depends on what you want from friendships but I see so many women not nurturing friendships then are resentful because they don't have friends to go away with etc when their husbands do, later on in life. There's probably a cross over from what people do with friends, going away, going to concerts (without partner)etc or just having a chat and coffee. I notice those talking about work friendships that they are the same sex as them.

Which invitation came first would be the last thing I would consider in this scenario, neither would which wedding I would prefer to go to matter.
For me it would come down to who I cared for the most and who would be potentially hurt, leading to irreversible damage to our friendship/s.
I have 3 friends in my life since I was approx 4 yrs old and I know for a fact this would be a no brainer for any of us. We each would come first as we care and love each other like sisters.
You have stated that while your work friend, of 6 years, would be disappointed if you were not there, your oldest friend, of nearly 30 years, would be not only disappointed but incredibly hurt.
If she does not have form for being awkward, putting you at the bottom of the pecking order, being a bit of a cow over similar situations then I would cut her some slack for assuming she would be your priority.
At the end of the day I think it comes down to which relationship you're prepared to lose/badly damage.
Doesn't sound like that will happen between you and your very good work friend - from his perspective that is.

i doubt it. a very close friend of three decades

I think you’ve dodged a bullet with friends wedding

My best friend is someone I met at work. I've only known her for 9 years and I also have a friend I've known for 20 years. However if I'd agreed to do something with one of them I wouldn't ditch them for the other.
I believe if you've agreed to attend then you don't just pull out. Especially as the bride in this case knew her friend could not make that day
She just assumed, even with that knowledge, that her friend would drop all other responsibilities with no thought for her other friend.