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Original poster

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

319 replies

Addyview · 05/02/2024 09:31

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

OP posts:
glusky · 05/02/2024 09:53

I think it would actually not be too bad to change your acceptance to declining your work friend's wedding at this notice. It's still 6m away, you wouldn't be inconveniencing anyone or costing them money. However I 'd probably do the same as you and stick with your prior engagement. Just keep re-iterating that it's a prior engagement and not personal.

This may be unfair of me, but if your best friend is being this demanding already it could be a tricky few months ahead for her bridesmaids!

Spencer0220 · 05/02/2024 09:53

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:43

I'm going to go against the grain here! Whilst I agree, your friends attitude has been poor, I have to say a friend I have known since I was five would almost be like a sister to me. And being asked to be a Bridesmaid shows how special you are to her.

There probably were very few dates the venue could accommodate for a summer wedding and given there is much time between now and then I actually think I would very much apologise to my manager and be attending my lifelong friends wedding instead.

Again, I think she has had a very poor attitude to this

The only reason I disagree is that your childhood friend knew about your clash before she booked and unilaterally decided that you weren't being serious.

That - I think - speaks volumes about the type of friendship she believes you have.

Stick to your guns OP.

You have another wedding of a close friend. Don't look back

Wasbedeudetetdas · 05/02/2024 09:51

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:47

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

So, essentially you think that @Addyview should cancel on good friend A because good friend B booked a date, knowing that AV had already committed to the wedding of good friend A on that exact date? Why exactly?

Dazedandfrazzled · 05/02/2024 09:48

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/02/2024 09:35

She knew you were not available and still booked the date. Expecting you to cancel is very entitled

This. Plus the other person is equally your friend and you want to go.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2024 09:48

She told you the date. You said you couldn't do as at another wedding

She chose to do that date regardless

Silly her

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:47

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

MumHereAgain2023 · 05/02/2024 09:46

Bad form on your friend. You have to go to the first one.

Wasbedeudetetdas · 05/02/2024 09:45

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:43

I'm going to go against the grain here! Whilst I agree, your friends attitude has been poor, I have to say a friend I have known since I was five would almost be like a sister to me. And being asked to be a Bridesmaid shows how special you are to her.

There probably were very few dates the venue could accommodate for a summer wedding and given there is much time between now and then I actually think I would very much apologise to my manager and be attending my lifelong friends wedding instead.

Again, I think she has had a very poor attitude to this

Did you miss that @Addyview informed her friend that she already had a commitment on that date, the wedding of another good friend?

Caroparo52 · 05/02/2024 09:44

Stick to your guns op.
You've done nothing wrong and have been honest. Very unfair and presumptuous of your friend to assume you would cancel on your manager and attend her wedding despite knowing how the land laid.
Stick to your principles. Be prepared to loose friendship a little over it.
. But not your fault. You can't please everyone. Which ever way you spin it someone will be disappointed. The friend is totally unreasonable to expect you to flake on manager. And it's not a good look to cancel on your promises personally or professionally.

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:43

I'm going to go against the grain here! Whilst I agree, your friends attitude has been poor, I have to say a friend I have known since I was five would almost be like a sister to me. And being asked to be a Bridesmaid shows how special you are to her.

There probably were very few dates the venue could accommodate for a summer wedding and given there is much time between now and then I actually think I would very much apologise to my manager and be attending my lifelong friends wedding instead.

Again, I think she has had a very poor attitude to this

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 05/02/2024 09:43

She is being completely unreasonable. Even if you weren't all that close to your manager you'd already accepted the invitation - it would be so rude to then change your mind because a better offer came in!

Catsfrontbum · 05/02/2024 09:41

I would tell her-

I have you a heads up about the date, I’m so sorry to miss yours but that’s just the way it goes.

She is understandably hurt but you couldn’t have been more clear!

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2024 09:40

Yanbu. You had a prior commitment (whether or not she deems her wedding to be more important to you is irrelevant ) which you told her about and she decided to go ahead and book that date anyway. It’s all on her.

pootlin · 05/02/2024 09:39

Your friend is very thick and entitled.

For her attitude, I would just send her a card, no money and no present.

MinervatheGreat · 05/02/2024 09:37

You have committed to your manager. Stand by your commitment.
h
Too many people mess others around these days with invitations, not turning up for events etc that they’ve agreed to attend. It’s so rude.
Have a lovely day and if your friend decides to drop you because of it, it’s a shame but that’s her “Princess Tippy Toes” problem.

DisappearingGirl · 05/02/2024 09:36

Nope she is being unreasonable - they are both close friends to you and you accepted his invite first. And gave her advance notice that you couldn't do that date.

TigerJoy · 05/02/2024 09:35

If she books her wedding only 6 months in advance there is a good chance not everyone will be able to make it.

You already have a commitment that day, you told her about it.

You've accepted the invitation and want to go to the other wedding.

It's a shame, but you communicated clearly with her. It's on her that she didn't take you seriously

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/02/2024 09:35

She knew you were not available and still booked the date. Expecting you to cancel is very entitled

rubyslippers · 05/02/2024 09:33

I am not sure what more you could have done
You told her you had a wedding and she booked that date

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