Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

If this was my best friend I wouldn't be telling her what to do. I'd be beating myself up for not listening and booking a day she told me she couldn't do.
I don't think you can do any more.
I only went to the evening of my best friends wedding because it was family only, a very small event and she didn't have the numbers. I've never held it against her. If you're real friends then this shouldn't matter.

My ex bestie used to treat me like this all the time. We are now no longer friends.

I agree with this ... I honestly think I would prioritise a friend of so many years here. Those friends are irreplaceable.

I would say to her ‘if I had gotten the invitations at the same time, then of COURSE I would have gone to your wedding, but I have already accepted his invitation now. Im sorry to be missing your wedding but first come first served. There is only one of me, thanks for the invitation but I’m booked up that day!’

I'd feel completely differently if the friend had come back to OP in the first place saying that it was the only date that worked for family (or whatever the reason was for picking that exact date), saying she was desperate for OP to come and asking if there was any chance for OP to make it. She's behaved really badly and is now blaming OP for that.

But did you book it knowing that she already had a commitment on that day? That’s the key thing here.

Stick to the original plan - you told her in advance so it's her decision to not have you there 🤷‍♀️

I think your manager friend will completely understand and might even be a bit embarrassed that you chose his wedding over that of your childhood friend, particularly as you are to be a bridesmaid!

This happened to me but the other way around and I was the old friend. I actually couldn’t believe that she didn’t come to my wedding and it showed me that she didn’t value the friendship in the same way I did. That really hurts. And that was really the end of that.

YANBU. This is a risk your friend has taken by booking such a short notice wedding.
When we got married, we checked the date worked with the most important people - parents, best friends, siblings - before booking. There was a date we wanted where one of our key guests had a holiday booked, so we picked another date.

It sounds as though, despite your long friendship, you currently feel close enough to your manager to want to stick with your original decision. So do that. We all change and so do relationships over time - just because friend has known you for years doesn’t mean she has a right to tell you to let down somebody else.

If the manager has given you one of their limited ceremony invitations, it's clear they really want you there. I think it will cause a great deal of offence to drop out now - you'd be telling him that he is not as important to you as you are to him. And choosing his wedding to make that point.
Your friend is being a complete dick here. You told her you couldn't do that date and she has booked it anyway, not caring about the mess it leaves you in if you don't attend your other friend's wedding. She has a right to pick any date she likes, but not to get upset with you for honouring your existing commitment

Your friend is being unreasonable. You told her you were already going to a wedding that date and she decided you'd chose her over them.
You could speak to your manager friend and say you'll never guess what?! and see what they say about it. They might even say you really should go to her wedding, but then again, they might just say that they are glad they asked you first as they really want you at their wedding.

I think it's clear which wedding you want to go to, and I think in these circumstances any decision you may would be legitimate.

It's fine to say to your friend you've already committed to attend another wedding, and after all you did warn her.

Equally, if you felt you really couldn't miss being a bridesmaid at your childhood friend's wedding, you'd be giving your colleague plenty of notice and likely they wouldn't lose out financially. They may be a bit put out though.

We ended up with our third choice best man despite advance planning. These things do happen and, honestly, 30 years on it is probably better that the best man was a family member. The other 2 are still in touch, but in that kind of ‘old friends’ category where communication is sporadic and based on getting in touch at Christmas or when you are in the area.

As regards close work place friends - the common career path tends to me they stay closer.

You had a prior commitment, so I hope your friend can see this and how important it is.

@Wasbedeudetetdas I think if this was a simple birthday invite then sticking to 'first asked, first committed' would be right and proper. But a wedding is more nuanced than that. It (should be) a once in a lifetime milestone event.

So it's not as simple as 'good friend a' or 'good friend b' in this instance. OP herself has described her friend as someone who has been in her life since she was 5 and they are still great friends in their 30s. Good enough friend's to be asked to be a bridesmaid. That's a very small circle of people

I wouldn't be attending the wedding of the person who asked first, but the one where I'd leave a really big hole if I didn't attend. And who I would want to see go through this milestone event more.

If the manager/friend is reasonable, they will understand that.

And I say again, the friend going ahead with the date does not mean she necessarily disregarded the OPs position, but she very probably had little choice in the date the venue could do.

Your friend is being massively unreasonable, for all the reasons mentioned upthread.

The other thing is that your friend won't have to deal with the fallout at work of dropping out of a pre existing commitment to your other good friend, and how this will be viewed by your manager and other colleagues. She'll just go on her merry way, having made your workplace uncomfortable for you.

Stick to your guns op, you will damage your relationship with your manager/friend if you cancel now, you will also resent being at the other friends wedding if you go. Your friend is the one being unreasonable here. Be polite but firm and tell her you are already committed that day. What on earth was she thinking booking it on the same day if she wanted you to be bridesmaid but knew you were already unavailable.

I would stick to my guns. Tricky situation though its entirely of her own making. In her shoes if there was absolutely only one choice I'd have called you to reconfirm you definitely couldn't make it and explain that she was having to choose. Instead she's made it all your fault?

There's no reason for you not to go to her Hen or to help arrange it though if you are close.

It sounds like she has deliberately made it some kind of loyalty test. Unfortunately you have a prior commitment, shame she couldn’t accept that.

Is part of the problem that she was thinking of the colleague as just a colleague, not a close friend? That she thought that wedding would not be important to you because you weren’t particularly close ?
Anyway, that doesn’t help.
I don’t see what you can do, other than reiterate that you did tell her that you couldn’t make her proposed date, that you don’t feel you can cancel your acceptance of the first wedding,that it is the wedding of someone close to you and not a “ mere” colleague,and put the ball back in her court. It’s not fair of her expect you to renege on the invitation you have already accepted.

Yanbu. You have a prior engagement and it would be rude to pull out of the first wedding having got a "better offer".

I can see your other friend's pov that it sounds weird to choose a colleague's wedding over someone you knew for 30 years but does she know you consider your colleague to be a dear and close friend who you happen to also work with? Also you aren't choosing between them because she has issued her invitations much much later. If you only give 8 months notice of a wedding date, especially in August, there are going to be at least a third of your invitees who can't make it because of having already booked holidays and already accepted invitations to other weddings.

She knew you couldn't make it that weekend before she finalised the date. She was being very unreasonable to assume you would snub your other friend for her.

I know the golden rule on MN is that you go to the event you accepted first, and I do normally agree, but I would cancel just about anything to attend my best friend's wedding as bridesmaid.

I think if you choose your manager she'll interpret that as you not caring for her in the way she cares for you and it will cause problems in your friendship.

It would be inconsiderate to go back on your word for the invitation you have already accepted. It would potentially make things difficult at work too, aside from anything else.

You explained to your friend when she mentioned the potential date, that you were committed on that day. She finalised that day knowing that, so she wasn’t prioritising your attendance then. Of course, she can choose whichever date suits her and her partner, but she can’t expect other to renege on prior commitments to suit.

I’d say it says a lot about how much she respects she, she clearly thought she could bully you into cancelling the other person. I’d do the same, stick to your guns and go to managers wedding.