Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

I had a selection of dates and consulted my friend who is a single mum and would be travelling from abroad. I chose the date she could attend. Then I gave all my other 'must haves' 18 months' notice. Because they were important to me and the wedding is about celebrating with them. I'd be absolutely gutted if one of them then cancelled for another wedding after I was so considerate to them.

I don't understand why you would even think of prioritising your manager's wedding over your best friend's?!?! especially as she has asked you to be bridesmaid.

Your manager will understand that things can change.

No, I wouldn't expect bridesmaids to 'free up their calendar' for me, particularly not ditch a wedding of their close friend. Would you expect them to also cancel a holiday they'd booked, or ditch a pre-planned work trip?

And yes, I made sure the friends that were going to be my bridesmaids could make my planned wedding date before I booked anything. Same with my immediate family. Because it was more important to me that they could be there than the venue or the exact date.

But the OP has clearly stated that she actively wants to attend this first wedding. It's not an obligation to her. I don't think it's fair to pit her friendships against each other, the simplest and fairest way to decide priority is the way she already has: by attending the wedding she has accepted the invitation to. If the bride really cared about her friend she'd accept that graciously instead of being a prima donna about it.

You don’t think the onus is on the bridesmaids to free up their calendar.

And anyway serious question, do you personally know somebody that had picked their wedding day based on their friends social calendars. I expect you haven’t really despite your “smart” answer.

I think you clearly would rather go to your managers wedding and if the invitations had landed on the same day, I feel you would still prefer that. Which is fine but don’t expect your friendship with your best friend to survive this.

I would be very surprised if your manager would have a problem with you saying you cannot make it to his wedding after all because your close friend is getting married and wants you to be bridesmaid! I think in this case, the invite that came first rule can reasonably be waived. And if you really cared about your friend, I think you would.

The posts about her not booking her wedding around your social arrangements are something else. She presumably had good reason for picking the day she did and I am sure that testing you (as some have suggested) is not one of them.

Anyone who wants their friends to be bridesmaids?

I think you're being completely reasonable, especially since she knew you were already busy that date. Marriage is for life so I don't understand the rush, why couldn't she get married next August instead. I know it's exciting but why the rush?

Someone who wants their friend there?

Who books their wedding around their friends availabilities!

If you were a priority, and you told her the (only?) day in August you couldn't manage, you should argue that it was her who could have made alternative plans.
I understand how you feel. I had a similar quandary with my sisters 40th, having told her the only weekend I was already booked 8 months ahead. DSis still organised her 'do' for that weekend, claiming she had forgotten my prior arrangements (a wedding). I missed her celebration, she got over it.

As a good friend who wanted you to be her bridesmaid, she should have at least asked if you would cancel the other wedding to attend, before booking it. Not assumed you would, especially when you said you couldn't make it. Her desire for a summer wedding over-rode her regard for you. Which is crazy, I can't imagine how the date could be more important to her than one of the key people she wanted there. She thinks too well of herself imo.

You can’t go. That’s the top and bottom of it.

I do think I’d tell her it was sad and try to do a pre wedding event with the both of you when you spend some quality time together.

On the day itself, with all the stuff going in, you’ll probably hardly speak.

Sounds like when all said and done the old friend chose a venue over OP... bare bones. The venue won.

She could have another venue, she could have another date (even if it were the next year) but she wanted that venue and that date and thought OP would ditch previous engagements and another close friend in favour of her wedding.

All the people saying ditch the other wedding, OP wants to go to the other wedding! Whether you would or not is irrelevant, OP wants to go the wedding of their close friend who also happens to be the manager, who only has limited invites for which OP got one, this means OP was VIP invitee to this wedding, not just there making up the numbers.

Time doesn't automatically mean someone has more clout.

you have a prior arrangement on that date, and that’s that! I can’t stand it when people flake out from something after giving their word. You told her you couldn’t do that day as you have already rsvp to another event. Stick to your guns and she will have to lump it

It’s as if she was trying to pull rank and you would just cancel the other one. Don’t really see why she could do another date.

Is she your best friend? Or your oldest friend? Because it's not always the same thing.

eh I think I would prioritise the childhood friend. Especially as she wanted you to be a bridesmaid. It doesn’t sound like she booked this date with any malice, wedding venues are notoriously fully booked in the summer months.

A good friend of mine (who I wanted to be a bridesmaid) was working abroad for work and couldn’t get the time off. I totally understood. However if she hadn’t of come because she was going to a colleagues wedding I’d have definitely felt gutted.

It would be very bad form to go to your friends wedding after accepting the invitation from your manager. Your friend is being very unreasonable.

She snoozed, she losed.

You have had a really lucky break, you don't have to get involved in all the hen party rubbish, & other obligations, & all the Bridezilla shit.

Same! Ditched her a few years ago and never looked back. You don't need 'friends' like that.

Princess bride needs another bridesmaid.

It’s not even about “priorities “; you accepted the other invite first.

The bride has several options. She could have checked with “must have” guests and made sure she picked a date they were all available for (surely all sane people do that?) Or she could have gone for a different venue, if it was only available for a date that didn’t work. She could have delayed the whole thing to make sure that neither venue nor guests were booked up already. She chose not to do that, so she has to accept the consequences.

Yes, this! She knew you couldn't make that date, but went ahead anyway because the venue or specific date was more important to her (and clearly just assumed you would bin off your other friend in favour of her).

And this isn't just the wedding of some casual acquaintance, this is another really close friend of yours. Just because you've known her longer doesn't mean your friendships aren't equally important.