New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

I get you being hurt and upset OP. It would have hit you like a punch in the gut. It doesn’t matter how much time has lapsed since your break up, finding out both that he’s married and having a child in the one message is going to knock you sideways. However, the message is just factual and to the point. But don’t let some of the comments on here about you should be over it after three years get to you - people who say that have obviously never been in a breakup situation where they’ve had a child together. You can sometimes feel you’re over it and getting on with your life, but then getting news like this can just massively bring the old feelings of sadness back. Be kind to yourself.

They have been together 1 year and expecting a child, you were together a year and had a child, I would be more concerned about that than the fact that he told his first child. At this rate he will have 10 kids in the next 10 years sounds like you have dodged a bullet!

@Choux@sandyhappypeople@maudelovesharold

Your corrections are all well and good. But can somebody explain why OP needs to be coddled and cajoled into accepting this ?

The initial message was fine, except for the foolishness of not giving the month, nothing was wrong with it. OP never said they were friendly, she just said that they coparent well, so she wouldn’t think he was intentionally hurtful.

Even in the exemplar message that OP gave, she was also direct and straight to the point. She’s also said that her ex referred to his wife as “girlfriend/partner” before, since this is the case, what is the matter in changing it to wife?

I think it is strange that you’re picking apart the message that way to look for an issues, when the only issue is that they didn’t give the month immediately.

And going off of OPs comments, she’d still be sad and upset if the news was delivered nicely - she’s sad about not being the first wife and it’s hurtful to see him have a new child too. I was too, but they’ve been broken up for sometime and he doesn’t owe OP proximity. I think the message was also their way of setting boundaries.

Why didn't you wait until marriage to have a child? I understand it's a two way street, but I had an abortion when I got pregnant in my 20s with someone I didn't want to marry or be with.

I disagree on that to be honest, they don't have to have discussed the circumstances surrounding the wedding, OP doesn't need to know the ins and outs obviously, but it is common courtesy to tell a co-parent that they have in fact got married to a new partner, who is now officially their joint child's stepmother, referring to the new missus as 'wife' in a text, without ever telling her they got married is just shitty of them.

There is absolutely no reason to put 'my wife' in a text to anyone who knows their 'wife' by name already, it's just weird, you would only put that to someone who doesn't know your wife by name. It was done to make a point 100%.

The message is fine.

To me thats a heads up that your maintenance will vary

Honestly op’s reaction will be the last thought in his head - and rightly so!

As someone who has had several stepmums, this was my initial thought!

I'd reply with 'haha, good one, I thought you were serious for a moment there 🤣. Congrats, don't worry about due date announcement, just let me know when baby arrives and we' ll rearrange contact if necessary'.

No, the opposite of friendly tbh, too cold, almost like you would write a formal invitation, rather than a friendly co-parent.

Hello X
instead of Hi x, Morning x, Hey X

My wife and I
instead of "me and sarah"
The wife bit is an extra pisstake seeing as they've never bothered to tell her they were married

are expecting our first child together
instead of "are expecting a baby/child"

we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month.
instead of giving an indication of when it will be.

I would honestly expect a message like this to say something like:

Hi OP, just to let you know me and sarah are expecting a baby, we're not really sharing the news widely yet, but we wanted to let you know as we decided to tell DC this weekend, we're not sure on due date, but it will be around late summer time. If DC has any sort of reaction to the news when with you, could you please let us know as we don't want them to feel at all pushed out.

Although it’s right that he should tell you, in view of the fact that your child now knows that she is about to become a big sister, I do agree that the wording isn’t the most diplomatic way of breaking the news. It sounds weirdly formal to the mother of his first born!

Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’ve rewritten it in a nicer/more neutral way!

“Hello X, I’m just letting you know, as we’ve just told dc, that Y and I are expecting a baby, due in (name of month). Best wishes (or usual sign off) Z.”

@Choux

Definitely much better.

@SimplyMother

it's not a nice message from someone who was your partner & a person you co parent with.

It seems to be rubbing it in on several levels.

Plus weird to be so secretive about the date. Still, his parents can step in & look after DS if necessary.

I don't see what's wrong with it. It's short, factual, and loops you in to the necessary info given that yours and his child will be affected by this as they'll be getting a sibling.

If you were expecting a baby with your new dh and came to MN to ask for advice on how to word the message, you'd be advised to send something similar.

Yes that's much better

It seems a perfectly reasonable message. How is it spiteful?

Do you still have feelings for him?

Definitely does not sound spiteful. He was telling you as he'd mentioned it to dc so just to let you know know too. Its been 3 years I doubt he'd be playing games, especially as you co parent well together

I can understand how hurtful it will be but I'd not look into his message as spiteful. All you can do is congratulate them and be kind to yourself

I’d also like to point out that we don’t know the circumstances of their marriage. OP states that she thinks they have eloped, there’s not much of a wedding to discuss in this case then. And if they eloped privately, I don’t think they have to tell OP tbh, letting her know that they’re together is enough imo.

I think I agree more with another person who said that this is an edited version of a mass text message.

If I was a betting person I'd say she worded that.

That wording is odd, it sounds like an announcement from the Royal family. Is he usually so formal? I would have expected 'hey, just to let you know Julie and I are expecting...' from a friendly ex. The "we'll let you know the due date closer to the month" would have annoyed me more than anything. Is he expecting you to camp on their doorstep with a long lens camera in the lead up?

I think it would have been nicer to say

Hello X, wanted to let you know that Jane and I got married. We are also expecting a child in June. We told DC this weekend so he may mention it when he comes home. Thanks.

@SemperIdem@TheOriginalEmu@candyisdandybutliquorisquicker

I agree with all of you. It’s strange to assume that they’re having marital issues over a 3 sentence informative text.

And like you’re saying, there’s no nice way to say that you’ve married and didn’t say anything. And since they’re delivering the news of a new baby, they probably took advantage of the situation, to deliver other news that could be bad for OP. Even if it was composed by the wife, I don’t see what was said that was so cruel.

They’ve could’ve said it nicer, but they were never rude, and it’s not their job to consider OPs feelings.

I say this as someone who was given an announcement in a similar, yet worse way, I don’t think this is a hill to die on. I sympathise but, OP, life moves on and we must too. All the best.

I thought it was quite obvious to be honest, If you think that there has been a hesitation in telling OP about the wedding, why would that be unless there was a disagreement behind the scenes on telling her? For whatever reason there's been a procrastinator, and now the other one of them is fed up and decided to blurt it out, otherwise they would have told her before it happened out of courtesy.

Which out of the ex and the new wife do you think would be hesitant to tell OP, chances are the ex surely? and the new wife would be unimpressed by having to tiptoe around the subject to spare an exes feelings, so as soon as she's got the chance she's wanged it into a text about a new baby.

That message has not come from someone who is being sensitive towards OPs feelings on both subjects, the opposite in fact.

At first I thought you were being unreasonable, but actually given that he hadn't told you they were married, it was a bit shitty of him to just drop in "my wife" like that, and I also think it was a bit weird to be so vague about the due date, because it is relevant to your child (assuming any regular contact arrangement might have to change around the time of the birth).

However, as you said, fuck 'em.

The relationship didn't work out between you and him. You may have feelings of sadness about that which is understandable.

He has done the right thing and told you in a gentle way so that when your child comes back home and mentions it you won't have a shock and possibly be upset in front of the child.

It's a nice gesture which he didn't have to do.

Reasonable message but I can see how it would sting. It would hurt my feelings too.