New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

Sorry wrong thread!

Personally, I think he did owe it to OP to tell her about the new baby — not because he owes her anything but because it could have a huge impact on their DC, so she has a right to know because of that. I do get what you’re saying about privacy though. My DP & I are both divorcees; he had children from that relationship; I didn’t. I don’t tell my ex about anything — because why would I? — but my DH is more open with his ex because of their shared children, which I think is how it should be. But that might just be me!

Curt to the point of rudeness

Don't be ridiculous

Honestly, I think no wording would have been okay to OP. She’s upset they have got married and seem to be happily expecting a baby together, which is not the experience OP had.

It’s why you shouldn’t have babies when the relationship is already not good, tbh. It never fixes it.

She may have done, but I still feel like neither of them owe OP anything. I’m trying to think how I’d phrase it myself, I probably wouldn’t say first, but not for any particular reason, as it doesn’t sound wrong or bad to me as such….

As the partner of a divorcee, I wouldn’t be sharing anything about mine and DP’s life with his ex. It isn’t her business. They, too, split amicably, and our relationship and future together just isn’t anything to do with her, nor does she have a right to know about it. (I also wouldn’t plan to tell my own ex)

I’m quite a private person at the best of times though! 🙂

I hadn’t seen that update but I think she’s right to be upset about that on her DC’s behalf. I don’t think it sends a very inclusive message at a time when her DC will possibly be feeling particularly sensitive and/or apprehensive about the new baby and her (I think it’s a DD?) place in her dad’s affections. I say this as a mum and stepmum.

Something like, “Hello X, Y and I have gotten married and are expecting a baby this summer. I’m letting you know as I’ve just told DC/our daughter.”

I can see why you're hurt that he's married and it's all happened so quickly but honestly it's a bit off that you've convinced yourself it's offensive that he acknowledged that the baby is his child rather than just calling it "a baby" whereas want your child to be "our daughter". What would you say if his wife insisted it was offensive that he refer to your child together as his child?

Judging by the fact that OP is outraged by Ex's request not to have DC to stay overnight during the fortnight pre- and post- birth of new baby, maybe he thinks that she will become deliberately difficult and obstructive if she knows at this stage exactly when it's due.

@BetterWithPockets I agree - but I wonder whether some boundaries wouldn't be helpful. It was unkind to tell her he was married in this way; but he was less invested in his relationship with the OP than she was, and he has moved on.

Of course it's painful. But it does get better, and the pain fades away. They will figure out how to manage the co-parenting relationship with new partners in the mix - if this is the worst of it, it won't be bad at all.

Sorry! Was in a taxi and read and replied in haste! Then (if it’s any consolation) spent the next three hours or thereabouts thinking about it. And trying and failing to edit my comment… I even thought about replying again but to be honest, even I’m a little exhausted of analysing OP’s ex’s message by this point, and while I still think it’s a bit unnecessary to announce a first child (I mean, who says that? You just say you’re having a baby, surely?), this is really really really NOT a hill I want to die on, I promise...
(On the other hand, I could tell you my new theory — which occurred to me in the early hours of the morning — that the wife perhaps ‘helped’ craft the message, and it was done with the intention of putting OP in her place… Hence the ‘my wife’ rather than name; the first child reference; and the really weird thing about not letting OP know the due date until closer to the time. I mean, why not just say August or whatever, for God’s sake…? )

@BetterWithPockets i said “potentially” intentional! Jesus, from my whole reply, THAT’S all you took? 🙄

To be fair, I don’t either any more!

This makes sense.

No! I didn’t think it was intentional!

I think he meant his first child with his WIFE, since the expected baby is not HIS first child, his child with OP is his first child and he was acknowleging that in a clumsy-ish way

@BetterWithPockets so you were classing the “sounds like more to come” as a potentially intentional way to hurt op?

Fair enough, though that seems a stretch. I can’t say I read it that way at all, to me it was just one of many ways to say “we’re having a baby”, and it was good of him to even choose to tell her. I doubt he imagined the message was going to be dissected and interrogated by hundreds of people on the internet as to what his intent was 🤣

But equally, it may be their intention to have more, and definitely none of OP’s business either way. Personally I doubt this message was intended to upset her, it all sounds pretty amicable from her description.

Why would suggesting there might be more babies maybe hurt op? They are having a baby, that shouldn’t hurt op, but it has done. Why is it worse to suggest there may be more babies eventually? I don’t understand.

From that message

I simply meant that if he was trying to be particularly thoughtful about how he worded it, he could have just said, ‘we’re expecting a baby.’ They’re allowed to have as many children as they want (and send whatever message to OP they want) but ‘we’re expecting our first’ does suggest to me ‘there might be more’, and I can see that might hurt the OP. However I’m also pretty sure I said I didn’t think the message was meant to be hurtful so it’s not as though I’m saying he’s a terrible person/has done something awful.

@BetterWithPockets still not explained what you meant by it?….. simply saying you didn’t mean it as a bad thing isn’t the same as explaining what you actually think you meant. It’s pretty clear you phrased it as a negative way to break the news and that it read first of many. So what did you mean?

Of course you’re inferring. I didn’t say at any point it was a bad thing. Ergo, you’re inferring. Which is your prerogative.

@BetterWithPockets I’m not inferring, I’m comprehending the words you typed out. You’ve not provided any other explanation for what those words apparently mean to you.

It's a little ironic that you're saying this on a post where we're deciphering someone else's message.

We’ll have to agree to disagree on this. You’re allowed to infer whatever you want from my words. It doesn’t mean that’s what I was saying.