Page 9 | Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

PlaygroundSusie · 2024-02-03T12:23:38+00:00

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents. My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her. I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc. This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation. On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids. At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue? AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

MidnightSerenader · 05/02/2024 15:17

Hardbackwriter · 05/02/2024 15:12

It makes me a bit sad that you refer to this as 'a compromise' when, basically, you ended up doing exactly what she wanted again. Being honest, is that the dynamic between you for most things? She gets to choose and you just go along with what she wants? I've had friendships where that's how things have developed and once you start noticing you won't stop.

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Exactly.

There is precisely zero compromise from your ‘friend’ here.

@WhereYouLeftIt is right - you’re simply attending on her now. You’re no longer in a mutually beneficial friendship.

Sususudio · 05/02/2024 15:14

Eh, you went to the playground again? In February?

Can you be my friend? My DC are all grown up and I never talk about them!😁

Hardbackwriter · 05/02/2024 15:12

PlaygroundSusie · 05/02/2024 11:26

So, I talked to my friend. I came at it from the perspective of: "Hey, I'm feeling very middle-aged these days, and the playgrounds are getting a bit much. I really need somewhere where we just can get a coffee fix and sit for a bit."

We ended up compromising. We decided upon a different cafe which had a playground next door. We got takeaway coffee / babycinos and sat outside for a bit (nice weather). Then we went to the playground so her children could run about and blow off some excess energy.

Reflecting on the advice given here, I decided not to be quite as helpful this time when it came to helping my friend look after her little ones. (Not sure whether my friend really noticed though!)

So, while not perfect, at least it was an improvement on our previous outings. Baby steps! (no pun intended).

It makes me a bit sad that you refer to this as 'a compromise' when, basically, you ended up doing exactly what she wanted again. Being honest, is that the dynamic between you for most things? She gets to choose and you just go along with what she wants? I've had friendships where that's how things have developed and once you start noticing you won't stop.

MidnightSerenader · 05/02/2024 15:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/02/2024 14:57

Does she have a partner? Surely s/he can take the kids sometimes if so? Or meet up for a wine after kids bedtime?

Both of these points have been addressed by the OP.

You can see all OP’s posts easily by going to one of her posts and clicking on ‘see all’ in the bottom right corner.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/02/2024 14:57

Does she have a partner? Surely s/he can take the kids sometimes if so? Or meet up for a wine after kids bedtime?

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 05/02/2024 14:14

So, while not perfect, at least it was an improvement on our previous outings. Baby steps! (no pun intended).

Thats a slight improvement but if you live in the UK the weather is awful a lot of the time, so it would be good if she could commit to sitting inside a cafe even if just for an hour and then after going to a kids playground by herself if she wants.

I find it very odd that you always need to go along to these kid venues when you meet her, but perhaps she thinks she’s doing you a favour and would be rude not to invite you?
I think it’s more likely she’s just being selfish
though.

Maybe next time you can do cafe inside then decline the playground invite and let her go and do something with her kids herself afterwards? This means she can also fully focus on her kids which she seems to want so sounds like a win-win. And it sends a clear message out that you don’t really enjoy going along to these venues anymore.

GlomOfNit · 05/02/2024 12:25

Good god, how tedious of her. Though if her younger child is 3 and you can't meet up during school/preschool hours, I can understand why she can't just ditch them. That's sort of tough on her - but it doesn't last forever. The part where she actively chooses to spend every waking moment with them though - I couldn't stomach that! Don't most parents crave adult time and time away from their kids? Some people just have massive blinkers down about their own children and can't understand why friends don't feel exactly the same way about them.

I'd just tell her straight. Can't she come out in the evening and meet you at an adults only venue - pub, bar, cinema??

I have a couple of friends who, for (mostly) childcare reasons, are invariably accompanied by their young kids. I can't stand it. I get away from my own kids to meet one of my friends for 45 mins in a cafe - and there they are! They're usually a handful and usually interrupt, so you don't spend any sort of quality time with your friend and can't talk properly.

I have two children, the younger of whom has SEN, and I actively seek to find adult places where kids aren't. Not all the time, but my god it's lovely.

Original poster

PlaygroundSusie · 05/02/2024 11:46

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2024 12:06

The offering to pay/drive is not about 'being a good friend', it's about controlling the destination. Also, if she had expected you to PAY! to go to the petting zoo, you'd have been more likely to stand up and say no.

Maybe OP, you were best mates for 20 years. 20 years is a long time, she's probably your oldest friend.

However - 'old friend' is not the same as 'good friend'. 'Old friends' are people you have a shared past with. 'Good friends' are people you have a shared present with. 'Old friends' can be 'good friends' too. But she is really only an 'old friend' now. She refuses to have a shared present, insisting on you attending her personal present. No sharing.

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Just want to say this is really insightful. :-)

OP posts:

BananaPyjamaLlama · 05/02/2024 11:30

It sounds like maybe your friendship has ended its reason for being.
Shes going to struggle massively when her kids are teens and even more so when they leave home.

Original poster

PlaygroundSusie · 05/02/2024 11:26

So, I talked to my friend. I came at it from the perspective of: "Hey, I'm feeling very middle-aged these days, and the playgrounds are getting a bit much. I really need somewhere where we just can get a coffee fix and sit for a bit."

We ended up compromising. We decided upon a different cafe which had a playground next door. We got takeaway coffee / babycinos and sat outside for a bit (nice weather). Then we went to the playground so her children could run about and blow off some excess energy.

Reflecting on the advice given here, I decided not to be quite as helpful this time when it came to helping my friend look after her little ones. (Not sure whether my friend really noticed though!)

So, while not perfect, at least it was an improvement on our previous outings. Baby steps! (no pun intended).

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/02/2024 11:22

Sennelier1 · 05/02/2024 10:15

@Hardbackwriter of course OP doesn't have to make up for the friends who ran, but I have the impression she really wants to stick with her friend with whome she goes back a long way? And about the workshops, arts&crafts, baking etc. for children : where I live (Belgium) we have them where parents can sit and relax or go to the nearby coffeehouse or whatever. Of course I was only suggesting : find an activity where you and the mom can be present but not actively involved 😊

@Sennelier1

it sounds like the mum does want herself and op to be actively involved with the children and whatever they are going when they meet up though.

Sennelier1 · 05/02/2024 10:15

@Hardbackwriter of course OP doesn't have to make up for the friends who ran, but I have the impression she really wants to stick with her friend with whome she goes back a long way? And about the workshops, arts&crafts, baking etc. for children : where I live (Belgium) we have them where parents can sit and relax or go to the nearby coffeehouse or whatever. Of course I was only suggesting : find an activity where you and the mom can be present but not actively involved 😊

Hardbackwriter · 05/02/2024 08:40

Sennelier1 · 05/02/2024 08:33

Maybe you're the only one left of her friends who still sees her - with the children? So I wouldn't break up, but as suggested, make a counter offer that's not too far away from her proposal. Thinking : an activity for the children, like an arts&crafts something (maybe painting easter eggs or such) where the adults can sit and wait with a drink - so not joining in the activity?

Why should OP have to put up with it because no one else will?! I have two children and craft workshops are things I endure because it makes them happy - I wouldn't put someone without children through them and realistically the children aren't just going to get on nicely with the crafts leaving the adults in peace!

Sennelier1 · 05/02/2024 08:33

Maybe you're the only one left of her friends who still sees her - with the children? So I wouldn't break up, but as suggested, make a counter offer that's not too far away from her proposal. Thinking : an activity for the children, like an arts&crafts something (maybe painting easter eggs or such) where the adults can sit and wait with a drink - so not joining in the activity?

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2024 07:20

I think you need to be a bit more direct. I mean, it's not as if you're refusing to see her with the children in tow, you just want to go somewhere more suitable for actually having a catch up and a chat!
You've been friends for a long time, so talk to her!
I adore my children and I used to always want to spend time with them but I also needed to be 'me' sometimes and I wouldn't inflict the situations that your friend does on a childless friend! It sounds like she's lost her identity and is simply 'mum' now. That's not healthy really.

Skodacool · 05/02/2024 05:54

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 09:00

How will she cope when the kids get old enough to not want to tag along with her everywhere?

This

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 05/02/2024 00:26

It’s down to you to create opportunities to include her in your life in her child free time for the 2 of you. Invite her along to your life. Apologies as haven’t read entire thread but if you have and she had refused then she isn’t making effort to do the same for you. So then you’d need to have a conversation.

This thread is bonkers - why can’t people just use the “read all OP’s post” function even if they can’t read the whole thread? OP’s very clearly stated the issue is always meeting at child centric issues but is amenable to meeting at cafes, her home or friends home with her friends kids present ! She has suggested this and been told no, the kids preference for zoos etc take priority.

well op you’ve had plenty of advice and overall agreement from parents & non parents alike that YANBU.

Moving forward it’s clear you need to be more direct with her and stand firm. Don’t be so passive, refuse to let her have total control of where you meet. I can’t imagine any friend insisting they or their kids had the final say on where we meet every single time.

She is definitely taking advantage of you.

saraclara · 04/02/2024 23:53

It’s lovely that she wants you there when with the kids as you’re building relationships and familiarity with them even though you’re not synchronised kid wise but you’re alongside her as they’re growing up.

🤣 🤣🤣🤣

There speaks a parent who sees it as a privilege for a child free person to spend time with her children (even though that person just wants to be able to have a grown up conversation with her friend for once).

Ellen2shoes · 04/02/2024 23:43

It’s lovely that she wants you there when with the kids as you’re building relationships and familiarity with them even though you’re not synchronised kid wise but you’re alongside her as they’re growing up.

It’s down to you to create opportunities to include her in your life in her child free time for the 2 of you. Invite her along to your life. Apologies as haven’t read entire thread but if you have and she had refused then she isn’t making effort to do the same for you. So then you’d need to have a conversation.

Tigernoodles81 · 04/02/2024 20:45

You binned your friend because you didn't want to meet her without your kids?

No there were MANY MANY other reasons for not being friends with them, mainly they were quite nasty people, a situation brought it to a head and this was thrown in my face as an excuse for their poor behaviour

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 20:39

Tigernoodles81 · 04/02/2024 18:01

I have been the parent in this situation and I beg you to please tell her how you feel sooner rather than later. For me, this all came out via a mutual ‘friend’ who very much wanted to cause pain and angst.

if my friend has said, I would’ve happily gone to cafes or parks or for a walk or hosted her at home but going out is by far the easiest way to keep kids entertained. Especially if you want to run some energy off them.

that said, when my oldest was 3, I was quite happy to leave him with my husband and have child free time with my friend! I don’t quite understand those parents who have to spend every waking hour with their kids. I adore mine (from time to time!) but I want a break from them too!

You binned your friend because you didn't want to meet her without your kids?

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/02/2024 20:27

J3001 · 04/02/2024 19:53

What about when kids at school

presumably the op works !

Mirable · 04/02/2024 20:24

I'm a mum of 3 and I completely understand what you are saying! After a month of trying to meet up with my friend, we finally arranged and date and met up. Only when she turned up she brought her daughter. No mention of her coming before hand! I was so annoyed but didn't say anything, the whole point of finally meeting was so we can chat about things I didnt want to talk about infront of an 8 year old!

J3001 · 04/02/2024 19:53

What about when kids at school

NewYearSameMe16 · 04/02/2024 19:05

Some suggestions:

I assume the kids are in school/nursery during the day, so if you wfh/work nearby, could you suggest a weekday lunch date with her?

Could you book a weekend brunch and say you want to treat her so you’ve arranged for her DH to have the kids for a couple of hours?

Could you suggest a hobby or an activity that you’d love for her to come with you to (e.g. gym before work/a Saturday yoga class)? A monthly thing, max 1hr and positioned as a health kick you’re on that you’d like her support with.

If her DH is away/goes out, suggesting you come round to help out with the kids and then catch up when they’re in bed?

There’s a few things you could try to get around this but ultimately, if you think she’ll always make an excuse for the kids to be there, you have to decide whether you want to put up with it or start putting yourself and your time first as this friendship isn’t a priority for her.