Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

I have so many questions. It sounds like her DH never gets time alone with the kids and the kids never get time with friends, which at least the older one must want?! What about time with any grandparents, other family, or with DH and his close friends? Does the older one attend any clubs like Beavers/Cubs or a sport and you could see her during that?
I also still don't see why you can't go to her house after their family tea and hang out with your friend until her bedtime at 9 for example. Or why you can't go the pub (or a restaurant or bar), why does it matter that she doesn't drink alcohol? If she's willing to spend evenings watching Netflix with DH then why wouldn't she want to spend it with you, one of her dearest friends, every so often? You've said you're really close, but this is someone who is expecting you to fit into her preferences 100%. A compromise would be you meeting her sometimes at kiddie venues, and sometimes meeting her without the kids.

No wonder there’s an epidemic of loneliness if this is how people treat their friends. Do these obsessed parents realise their kids will dump them once they are 14/15?

My parents were brilliant but always kept their own lives and hobbies going and we’ve done the same - much healthier and better role models for kids to see mum as a person in her own right not their own personal maid.

Wise words indeed!

My son is my world and a friend who didnt want him around isn’t a friend

A true friend would realise that, while your kid is your world, they aren’t anyone else’s. It’s profoundly disrespectful to expect everyone else to want your child around at all times.

Time to move on OP, this is a one way friendship, she is not interested in you or your needs. It doesn't mean she is a bad person nor that she doesnt care for you, she just had new priorities now and you are not high on that priority list (if at all on the list).

It is just life, and you need to understand where she is coming from and also that she will potentially not change.
I would be courteous and respectfully decline any invite to playground for etc. and take myself out for lunch or a drink to a nice place and spend quality time with myself :)

This. See what her response is then see if she makes an effort to rearrange etc. I’m single mum to 6 yr old, I don’t really go out in the eves but I do like seeing friends for coffee when he’s at school or if we meet a child free friend at wkend we go to a pub she’s chosen (he comes too) and he gets iPad time after he’s interacted with the grown ups for a bit so we can have a proper chat. My son is my world and a friend who didnt want him around isn’t a friend but you are more than making an effort with her kids and I feel like she’s using you a bit for helping with childcare and I would be prepared for the friendship drifting if you tell her you (understandably) no longer want to do these meet ups.

I find it strange she wants to do that every time. I have a 5 year old and a 9 month old. When i go back back work my free time will be precious and i will want to spend most of it with my children. However i will also appreciate the odd outing without them! Maybe tell her you love the kids but you miss her and being able to have a good chat, so it would be good to meet at her house.

The good news is that the children are getting older, so if you can find the balance to make the next 4 years work ok for you, the children will be 7 and 11 and will definitely need much less input/be able to do long walks etc etc. Don't hold back from asking her for support if you need any though, it should be a two way thing.

So next time do the same BUT (and this is important) when you finish at the cafe and she heads off to the play area you say ‘Lovely to see you and catch up, let’s do it again soon’ and you leave.

The compromise then becomes she gets to pick a cafe that leads onto a nice outing for her kids.

Yes

Perhaps just say I'd love to catch up but I'll leave you guys to the playground.

Let me know when you'd like me to come round to catch up and I'll bring some cake.

Starts to set a picture without (at the moment) making it a massive issue.

I think the issue is that the OP doesn’t seem to want to which I can understand. It might be more of a case of letting the friendship take a back seat until things change.

OP you are very very reasonable. Id be livid and I have kids. I’m quite the opposite up your friend though it’s my time with my girlfriends filling my cup as they say that helps me be with my kids!

I'd honestly let the friendship wither on the vine. She sounds exhausting.

It's completely ok to let friendships end when they've run their course.

Have you read OP's updates? Her friend doesn't drink alcohol, eats dinner with her DH and kids at 5, and goes to bed by 9. She also doesn't want any meetings at her house, she wants to drag her unpaid childminder OP off to kiddy venues.

A lot of mothers are like this, and it is dangerously short-sighted. Their children won't be children forever. If they actually think about what will be waiting for them when those children no longer need them they would put more effort into maintaining relationships with their partners and friends.

@Tinysoxxx maybe your friend just finds you as insufferable as this post

Her response has been along the lines of: "Sorry [my real name]. But wherever I go, my kids go." Then she's explained to me how she basically doesn't want to leave her children when they're still young, etc.

This is really not healthy. She’s said to you previously that she “wants to cherish every moment” with them while they’re young. She’s taking this to an extreme, binding herself to them so closely that she doesn’t want to leave them with their father for a couple of hours while she goes out with a friend. It would benefit her and her kids if she didn’t cling to them so much. I suspect there’s something else at play - some kind of anxiety, or guilt, or something she’s got in her head about what being a mum should be.

Nah - not for me - and I have kids! I relish the time away from the kids. I think you need to be more direct with her.

It sounds like it's got to the point where it's bothering you and when you hang-out it feels more like a drain on your rather than an uplifting experience as it should be when you are meeting friends. I had this experience a couple of years ago, long story short it didn't end well but emotions were running much higher than they were here. Since then, there has been a lot of talk about how if you are childless and wish to remain friends with a person with a child, prepare to do 90% of the work, this would have been useful to know 10 years ago.

You are not unreasonable to want some time with your friend, and you have been more than accommodating to her choices. As other posters said suggest non-child activities in the evening but be prepared to stick to your guns and take a step back rather than giving into guilt. She will need an adjustment period that will be awkward.

She’s not a good friend OP, she’s completely self centered! She’s lucky you’ve stuck around this long to be honest. I’m a mum but have no problem catching up with friends without my kids, in fact it’s better - I can actually hold a conversation then!

It almost sounds like she’s got some kind of anxiety or something? I don’t know any mums that wouldn’t ever leave kids of those ages to go to the pub or a meal out / coffee with a friend. It’s bizarre! Small babies yes, but older children? I’ve never met a mum who thinks like this! Doesn’t she want ANY time to herself?! Sounds like she’s possibly lost any sense of who she is without them and now uses them as a bit of a shield? Maybe she really wouldn’t know what to talk about if she was just one on one with you? That’s quite sad but possible!

She just sounds like my sister but a bit more reasonable. When I came to visit her few years ago (I live in UK she lives in Poland). She organized wardrobe assembly and us taking the kids to a soft play center... Even though I enjoyed it o felt like it's the worst time she could have picked up (she knew about my visit for months and she was.able.to move.the delivery of the furniture). Then to add more.salt to the wind she ordered.only.anoigh pizza for kids and some leftovers for us adults who were helping out with the assembly.

I was absolutely livid... I was child free at the time (now I am an expecting FTM) I will.never do such a thing to my guests... Your friend seems more reasonable than my sister. Be open about it but be prepared it may not workout...

Your friend is using you as another pair of hands when she takes her DC out. Her DC get entertained rather than be bored at home, she gets to feel like mum of the year because she's 'putting them first' and you get to make that much easier for her. I don't think anything you can say will change what she agrees to do, as meeting up with you is not the purpose of the outings.

honestly feel the true friendships are the ones that can thrive even when you’re at different stages of your life or following different paths.

Agree. My friend and I went separate ways and I am sad about that. But I had other child-free friends that I am still friends with that I first knew before children . I also had a set of good friends that met for the first time as we had children the same age as me and we were very close, but as time went on only the ones that I really had a similar sort of humour/values too that I stayed in touch with. As you go through life, you realise your friendships will ebb and flow.

@BrightYellowDaffodil Dh was self employed and working all hours as he was the only source of income. Plus he had the death of parent and spending any spare time travelling to the bereaved other. Division of labour is annoyingly biological - I had the feeding equipment he didn’t. Looking back it was a pretty intense time and only surpassed by recent events as our teenager has become disabled. It has brought back those feelings of those early days of not being able to ‘be there’ for friends because I am not emotionally able to take on any more mental load. You mention I ‘took’ from her. I didn’t take, I just couldn’t ‘give’ what she wanted and needed. I was running on empty but she could not relate.

We should have talked more openly. When eventually we did she said that I was alright because I was married (!) and had a three bed house and didn’t even work properly and she was renting a one bed flat and working hard to build a high profile career. We had no spare money (all tied in the house) as Dh started the business. I was helping out where I could whilst looking after small children. The house needed a lot of work. To be honest Dh and I were ships passing in the night and both exhausted. She said Dh earned loads compared to her but I gently pointed out she earned far more ‘per head’ and we holidayed for one week a year at the seaside in the U.K. (with Dh still on his laptop). Going to the park was as good as it normally got. She had multiple luxury holidays all round the world and still loved clubbing/drinking loads/meeting men. We just were in such different places mentally and emotionally.

Still feel guilty and would love to catch up but I am worried we were only ever really good friends when we had more in common that we could both chat/console each other about on a relatable level. I could relate to her as I lived a similar life once. She could not relate to me and so our conversations became completely about her. I think about her a lot when we have travelled since - I would love to chat. As far as I know she’s got a fantastic career and lives abroad. We were such good friends once and I wish her well.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Whilst it’s nice to be part of your friend and her kids lives, she should have some regard to how you feel. My life long best friend had her first child when we were in her 20s (she is now 14). Whilst I have always made an effort to know her kids and spend time with them, my friend has always suggested extra girls night or activities for just us, where we catch up and have fun. Even though our lives are completely different, we have both made an effort to fit in with each other and commit to our friendship. We are still the best of friends and I am very close with her kids. I am now having my own child and my friend has been amazing and so excited for me, as are her kids. I would speak to your friend and suggest that maybe you sometimes meet and do stuff just the two of you- surely she wants that time together too! She may surprise you… it doesn’t have to be 100 per cent kids focused, it should be a balance to suit you both!

OP I have the exact reverse. I’m the one with kids. Really good friend pre kids. She only ever wants to meet in coffee shops and without kids. I think she’s met my DD (12) twice- when I was breast feeding- and she’s never met my 10yo DD. I used to arrange childcare to meet her when the kids were pre school. When we moved house (2hours away) she didn’t come to visit once. Now we are about 15 minutes away and I see her about once a year- in a coffee shop without the kids.
it is inevitable that your friendship will drift when one party is completely and repeatedly unreasonable.