Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

I might reply something like, sure, it would be great to meet up at a cafe or at your place, or for a drink just for the two of us, next time I'm back.

Probably going to be one of those grandparents that you hear about on here that camps outside the labour ward and keeps close track of how much time she gets with the grandkids compared with the other grandparents.

What a shame! It's all on her though, not you. She'll regret it once her children are older and don't want to hang out with her anymore.

I'm torn between thinking this is good advice and thinking your friend's last text requires no response from you as it's blunt and final. I'd say she has left the ball in her own court tbh. I wouldn't be persuading her any further.

I agree with this- don’t let her think that you “drifted apart”, tell her that you don’t have anything in common any more and you’d rather just be honest and leave it. She sounds unbelievably tedious, and you clearly aren’t getting anything out of the friendship.

Yes, I think the friendship is done. I was in that position a fair few times when my friends started having kids - I try to avoid making friends with mums of young kids now as it just feels like I’m wasting time and energy.

Sorry OP, it’s rubbish.

What a shame. But good on you for sending that message. Maybe you could send another message saying something like, ok let me know if you're ever free for that drink, would be great to catch up for a good chat. Just so you feel happy in yourself that you've tried.

I know it was a few months before your update but I think @WhereYouLeftIt summed it up. People change over 20 years, in order to stay friends (particularly if your lifestyles diverge) you both need to compromise. You're compromising a lot to keep the friendship, she isn't compromising at all. She is happy to see you only on her terms, and if you can't meet them exactly she's happy to leave it because she's made the decision that her priority is her kids and everything else comes a far, far second.

Of course the problem will be, as @WhatNoRaisins says, in a few years her kids won't want to spend any time with her and she'll not know what to fill her days with. At which point perhaps then she might be fine to just do coffee catch ups. But do you want to wait around that long? You've already bent over backwards for her for seven years, realistically if her youngest is three, you could be doing so for another seven at least.

I have the feeling that, if you had, for example, did get married or had a big birthday, she wouldn't come out to your hen, or even to the wedding if the kids weren't invited because she does not want to do anything without them, and has only ever left them for a few hours once in 7 years (which is her decision but imo is very unhealthy). You've already made clear that you only meet when you come to where she lives, never vice versa. Do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't reciprocate?

Similarly if you did have kids and said you wanted to do exactly the same as her, how would that work? If you had a 2 and 4 year old, her (then) 7 and 11 year olds aren't going to want to go to the same places. I doubt she'll be happy going back to petting zoos again after finally outgrowing them.

I don't think you need to make any drama out of it, but just stop contacting her first. See if she ever contacts you to suggest meeting up. You'll probably naturally drift unless she is willing to make some effort. Perhaps in another ten years you can reconnect again. She can always be an 'old' friend but I think she's shown herself not to be 'best' friend material.

At the heart of it it's not even a child/child free issue - you'd probably have exactly the same issue if you both had kids of different ages, or one had a disability that meant you couldn't do the exact same things. As you've said, you've got other friends with kids who aren't like this. It's a selfishness/unwilling to compromise issue.

So you're only in the same place three or four times a year but she still won't make any time for you. It's a shame but if the friendship dies it won't be your fault. Her DC will grow up and she's going to find that really hard if she's devoted all her life to them

Well she might as well have said "I don't care about what you want, do what I want or get stuffed".

You are willing to compromise. She isn't. It's a bit one way isn't it?

I can sort of see where she's coming from as when my kids were little they needed to get out of the house and be tired out during the day so if I was doing something they usually came with me. But not if it wasn't suitable (and that included seeing friends who fancied a child free meet up). I worked FT so I didn't like spending lots of their awake time at the weekend going out without them, but now and again I was happy to, and I was also happy to go out in the evening when they were asleep anyway and their dad was at home.

The friendship isn't necessarily over but unless she's going to meet you halfway it will be on pause until her kids are older. It may or may not survive that.

Btw, I didn't particularly enjoy being at the playground with my own kids. I wouldn't be at all interested in spending my free time sitting at one with someone else's. That has always been the case. I imagine most people, mums or not, feel as I do.

You haven't done a single thing wrong. You have been more than accommodating so far and a really good friend.

This ruck is entirely down to your friend and where her head is at.
Be proud of yourself for politely saying no. Long overdue. x

Your friend is very selfish.

She’s being very silly. The friendship has definitely ended. Well done for standing your ground.

I’m disabled with a child with medical needs. My best friend and her godfather and I meet at home and do child friendly things, but I also prioritise seeing him on my own too and going to dinner/shows and things like we used to.

I think you need to communicate you need to see her one to one undistracted as an adult too.

"We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!”"

So the playground it is - LOL!

I'm gritting my teeth just reading that and I don't even know this person.

Naw it isnae - LOL!

That's a shame that your friend has gone down that road.

When my eldest girls were little I had an 18 month spell where I literally had no babysitters. It wasn't ideal having late evenings with friends, but it was something I made time for to keep friendships and to have adult conversations once in a while.

I did have a friend once who was similar to your friend. Not that those children are in their teens she's trying to reignite friendships, but it's simply not the same anymore

I think your friendship is done, yes. It's small comfort I know but at least it isn't acrimonious.

Fwiw I'm on your side...I have raised three and was never like your friend. I did all that stuff with other mum pals and saw my longer term friends at my house/their house or without the kids.
I think your friend has had her head up her backside for a while. Now she has essentially told you it's all about her kids or fuck off. Pretty arrogant.
Again, little comfort, but in a sense it's like the trash taking itself out. Not that I'm saying she's trash...just that it's not a relationship dynamic that is good for you so it's better to let her flounce.

Totally agree, and it will probably be sooner than when they fly the nest. Likely to be when they start secondary school.

Good on you for standing up to her playground suggestion. I agree with PP, sounds like the friendship has run its course. Pity, but these things happen.

She is really going to struggle when her kids fly the nest and she is going to start over with zero personality of her own. Agree with PP, this has run it's course.

Your friendship has run it's course. As a mum of 3 I find your friends response unusual. I have never asked my child free friends to meet up at child orientated places. Why would they want to? Normally I don't take my kids at all with me if I am merging childfree friends. If her kids were babies I would totally understand her response but there not. She is actually doing her self and kids a massive disservice long term. Well done on your reply. She isn't being a good friend to you. She is probably going to find in a few years her kids will start pushing back on her as they will want to be a bit independent from her and her friendship she built around playdates will come to an end.

Oh what a shame she can't be more open to doing something a bit different than a bloody playground heaving with screaming kids on a Saturday afternoon, therefore, she can't act surprised when you don't bother to meet up with her any more. It's a shame really.

Probably.
In which case there's nothing to lose by telling her how you feel.

It’s totally fine to tell her that you do not want to meet at child friendly venues. She works part time so I can imagine she can find time just for the two of you.

She sounds like she’s too involved with her children and perhaps her marriage is total shit… And she should not be pouring her energy into her children. That way it’s unhealthy.

Set a boundary, tell her you’re happy to meet her once a month just the two of you without children, or you may need to cut her off and let her go