Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

515 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

OP posts:
Daphnis156 · 03/02/2024 12:48

I think any attempts to "tell her straight" will lead to unpleasantness.
How tactful you try to be won't matter.

So really I'd let the friendship drift. If you don't want to do this, then just go on with these miserable child-centred activities, and enjoy them without complaint!

holycrabsticks · 03/02/2024 12:47

Itslegitimatesalvage · 03/02/2024 12:41

Just reply, “I really don’t want to go to a playground. Happy to come to yours though instead but no worries if that won’t work. We can try for a different day.”

Perfect.

You just have to be upfront as her behaviour is a bit odd.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/02/2024 12:43

Your friend is being unreasonable. Does she have a partner or babysitters? I’d suggest a time when they’re doing something else, somewhere else, but some parents are like this with friends and dragging children or friends along to something no one enjoys. It’s find if you actually want to go to the event and/or help out.

The mothers of kids I know locally bite my hand off to come out with childfree friends to a local posh cinema to see a film with a glass of wine or two or for a drink/meal. And not to have to talk about their DC (lovely though they are!).

WhatNoRaisins · 03/02/2024 12:43

I'd have some sympathy if she had no childcare, we don't have much, but this isn't fair on you. You don't need to only socialise with your kids to cherish them and I don't blame you for reaching your limit.

I'd be honest with her that you'd like to spend some time adult only. Would seeing her while her kids are at an activity work logistically?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/02/2024 12:42

You have 3 options:

  1. invite her out for a drink in the evening / to the cinema / the meal where is it completely obvious that’s it’s just for the two of you. If she then says “but I can’t come at 8pm to the pub, DS is in bed and DD is doesn’t like the wine bar vibe (or words to that effect)” you say “I was thinking it would be just us, that would be nice” and that’s your opening.

  2. you tell it to her straight

  3. suck it up.

i would go for option 1!

Itslegitimatesalvage · 03/02/2024 12:41

Just reply, “I really don’t want to go to a playground. Happy to come to yours though instead but no worries if that won’t work. We can try for a different day.”

Hardbackwriter · 03/02/2024 12:40

She won't ever socialise without a 7 and 3 year old? I think you're going above and beyond to tolerate that at all, let alone then being dragged to softplay or a playground or whatever. By all means say something - it's worth a try - but I think she's communicating how low priority friendship is to her and that you shouldn't be expected to put in all this effort long-term.

jelly79 · 03/02/2024 12:40

Wow that's ridiculous!

Does she have a partner?

forrestgreen · 03/02/2024 12:40

It sounds like she wants to meet but hates being at home and enjoys the help you offer.

What about going to hers after bedtime?

'Hi, yep I know the kids prefer the park but we won't get any time to talk?'

Ewoklady · 03/02/2024 12:38

I’m a mother of two and I couldn’t stand this at all!!

But prepare to be offended. Kids or no kids she shouldn’t dictate your free time. I am a very dedicated mother but I meet my close friend alone and we have a proper catch up and laugh in a pub or similar.

HiCandles · 03/02/2024 12:36

It seems a bit mean of her to be so keen to cherish her children that she can't spare 2 hours every so often to see you alone. Yes childhood is short but friendships are important too.
It looks to me like she actually wants help entertaining her children over meeting you for your own sake. Sorry. Are you a better friend to her than she is to you? What happens if you suggest an evening out when kids are in bed with their dad or a babysitter?

Lottapianos · 03/02/2024 12:36

'Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?'

Yes they should! I am also childfree and I feel for you. I would be seriously losing patience with her, and her kids, dictating every single aspect of your meet ups. I would also find it really frustrating that she won't ever meet up with you without the kids.

How would it feel to tell her what you've told us - that it's much easier to actually have a meaningful conversation with her when you meet at her house, and that you would like to do this next time? I really don't think you should be expected to suffer through soft play every single time! You're supposed to be her friend, not her kids' babysitter

donutosaurus · 03/02/2024 12:34

I have two kids, ages 3 and 5, but I'm with you! All of my friends have kids and we still meet up without them.

Childfree time is really important too and it sounds like you have made lots of compromises to maintain this friendship.

Is she a single parent? If so, then I understand where she is coming from a bit more as babysitters make it more expensive and complicated. If Dad is around then she is being completely unreasonable.

Mammyloveswine · 03/02/2024 12:34

Oh god I couldn't cope with this.. does she never socialise without her kids at all?!!

talksettings1 · 03/02/2024 12:31

Sometimes I think it's time to just say what you need to say. A true friend will be OK with that. Go to the bloody playground, then tell her exactly what you've said here. You don't mind going to kids play places occasionally, but you don't get time for a proper chat with her, and that's really why you want to meet up. Tell her what works best for you and 'so that's why I'm going to suggest cafes and meet up at home - I love your kids but I also want a bit of space to enjoy your company.'
Unfortunately I think you'll end up dropping these meet ups. I went through something very similar with a mate with kids when I was young and just stopped seeing her because she refused to go anywhere that wasn't primarily for children. I thought that was rude and inconsiderate.