Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

YANBU. You coming along makes her parenting easier, she’s not thinking about what would be enjoyable for you too.

Children coming as a package deal is only acceptable for the first year or so of the child’s life I think. After that there should be some willingness to meet up without children. (Or a mix of children and child free).

Can she not meet in the evenings?

Meant to add - evenings, when the kids are in bed anyway she's not ''missing out'' on them.

In a few years time, this mum will be posting on here asking how she can make new friends since she’s lost her old ones.

Is she a single parent?

If you value the friendship and want it to last beyond the young child years, i wouldn't 'tell her straight'.

If she's able to leave the kids in the evening i'd start pushing for a meal out together after bed time.

If she's a single parent i'd push hard for meeting up at hers and helping with bedtime maybe and bringing a bottle and going halves on a take away.

When my older 3 were little my best mate had 3 also and neither of us could stand taking 6 kids out !! So for a few years we'd leave the kids with their dads and meet up evenings only more or less until the youngest of our kids was 7 or 8 and old enough to not be pestering when we went out as a group of 8 during the day.

Evenings only OP.

I think the fact you don't have children is a red herring here, OP.

You could just as easily have children and still want to have quality time to talk with a friend without children around - I'm a parent but I wouldn't feel valued by a friend who insists I can only ever see her on her terms like this.

She might have no idea how you feel though, so I'd tell her and at least give her a chance to understand. She might simply think that you enjoy seeing her with the children and if you've been grinning and bearing this for a while, she might have no idea you're not happy with the status quo.

I wasn't even a single parent but that's what I did all the time when DS was little. Bath him early so he's all cosy for nice pals turning up, they get a wee play and he'd usually ask for them to do stories, I'd get the pasta on or the takeaway ordered, DS asleep, wine open.

I am incredibly lucky that a lot of my friends seem to actually like my kid but it's not compulsory, you know? They're my friends, not his.

OP can you suggest an evening meet-up like the above?

Is their Dad around? I'd suggest a night out instead, kids that age go to bed pretty early so you could meet at 7:30pm for food and drinks.

I'd be pissed off with this tbh, it's full on having little kids but you can't expect everyone to mould their plans around them.

Agree with a PP, text along the lines of ‘I really don’t fancy going to a playground again, it’s so hard to catch up properly there anyway. If you do fancy cafe and a walk sometime then let me know.’ She may be offended- that’s up to her- you have done this for long enough, and you aren’t there to provide help with childcare. If she wants to take the kids to the playground- she can, but she needs to decide if she also wants to prioritise finding time to meet you too- that’s not on you.

You are being unreasonable to not stick to your first suggestion.
How hard is it to say, "No, the coffee shop it is this time. I'm sick of playgrounds. We can always go for a big run and play after our coffee. Surely your kids can sit and have a Babyccino. We'll do playgounds next catch up."

She's using you. I'd let the friendship slide

Its tricky if you have kids with you, it definitely doesn't work going somewhere and expecting a 7 & a 3 year old to sit bored for ages while you both chat and ignore them.

But my kids are similar age, and i just arrange to meet friends without my kids, usually in the evenings when they are in bed. Its not reasonable to expect you to only ever meet her with the children in tow at a soft play.

This is ridiculous.

If see childfree friends when I have to bring mine I usually suggest something like a walk on the beach and a coffee. Kids are safe to run around and we can chat. Obviously, it’s not an adult occasion, but I would never expect somebody to want to hang out in playgrounds for fun.

YANBU. Mine are 7, 5 and 3 and I would not expect my childless friends to meet at child-friendly places every time. Playgrounds are dull enough when it’s my own children, no way I’m expecting my friends who don’t have kids to have to endure them! (The playgrounds, not the kids). You sound like you’re being more than reasonable suggesting meeting at her house- it’s not like you’re suggesting the kids can’t be there at all. That last message would irritate me so much- ‘the kids want to do X, so X it is ha ha!’.

I would decline and take a step back tbh.

It's a shame as I think in the long run kids actually do benefit from their close family having personalities and lives of their own rather than total devotion.

Really sorry, but I couldn't be close friends with somebody so boring and lacking in self-awareness and identity.
Of course you don't want to be meeting at kiddie venues, and I'm surprised you've put up with it for this long!

Can't you ever go out for drinks or something when they're in bed?

The issue isn't the venue, it's the kids being there. If you meet without those entertaining venues, there will be even more distraction from the kids. If you don't want to see her with the kids that's fine, maybe she will agree to meet without then, or you drift apart and revert in 5 years or so.

They aren't babies. Suggest an evening out instead.

Is she a lone parent?

She's not catching up with you. She's requisitioning another pair of hands/eyes to care for her children.

I'd be done with this. She's a user.

I can understand when kids are tiny, it cab be logistically difficult to be away from them (breastfeeding, separation anxiety when they are too young to understand that you're coming back) but how the fuck have you put up with this for 7 whole years!?!

I think her behaviour is terrible especially her text which is directly saying your preferences don't matter at all to her.

A friendship is give and take at times and compromise at times. But your friendship is now entirely on her terms 100% of the time and that's not healthy.

It's fine for working parents to cherish the time spent wirh their kids, but no one (literally no one) has high quality time wirh their kids 100% of the time they're awake. Popping out for coffee for an hour without them will make literally no difference to anything.

Her kids are young enough to be going to bed fairly early as well so why can't she see you in the evening?

I'd suggest going out for a late meal or drinks, and if she can't if her other half works evenings then suggest you go round and have a takeaway when they're in bed.

If she says no I think you have to just take a step back or accept that's how it is until the kids are a bit older. I'd phrase it as you love her kids and enjoy seeing them but you also enjoy her company when she isn't busy parenting and you really miss the adult chats. You understand her kids are her absolute priority and that's how it should be but you'd love a proper adult catch up every so often somewhere grown up for a change. If that's offensive to her then I think you have to accept that people change and she is happy to have no life outside kids even for long standing friends.

My only disclaimer is if she has no family help, no money for a babysitter and if her husband is absolutely crap (can't or won't look after the kids himself) then she might be completely stuck and making crap up about how she doesn't want yo be without the kids, to cover that she actually can't be. But I'd think that's unlikely given her text which shows she doesn't give a shit about meeting you outside of a playground

If she's a single mum, then you could suggest coming over to help with dinner and bathtime, then you can catch up once the kids are in bed. I would find it very annoying in your shoes to always meet at kiddie venues.

Even if she does have childcare issues, a cafe and walk is a kid friendly option for you to suggest - it sounds like she just wants you to tag along to their activities to help out. She's being really unfair.

I'd either speak to her about it or just start declining - 'don't have the energy for a playground, let me know next time you're free to go to the cafe'.