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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

515 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 03/02/2024 14:39

Just tell her that the venue doesn’t work for you but when she fancies the café let you know.

Talipesmum · 03/02/2024 14:38

Is she maybe thinking that you actually want to meet her kids just as much as meeting her? Ie picking places where you “have the best chance to interact with them”?

You’re clear that you’re wanting to meet up with her, but she may be thinking that you are wanting to meet up with the whole family. (I mean I’m sure you’re fond of the kids but she’s your friend. She may not be distinguishing between herself and her kids).

Beautiful3 · 03/02/2024 14:37

I'd say, I"I don't fancy hanging out with loads of kid, but I can pop over to yours. Or even better we can go to the pub, just me and you?"

Lovingitallnow · 03/02/2024 14:31

"I don't think I have the playground in me today LOL, I'll give it a miss this time. Do you fancy a take away some evening?"

I adore my kids, I wouldn't dream of doing this to a friend.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 03/02/2024 14:29

You haven’t said whether your friend has a partner or childcare, so it may be that she has no option but to bring her children along with her. That’s understandable, but it’s equally understandable that you don’t always want to meet at play parks and zoos etc.

Talk to each other and find a balance. The relationship you have with your friend seems a bit unequal. Why is she making all the decisions? If you are honest with her, can you find a compromise? :-)

hopscotcher · 03/02/2024 14:26

I've been in the same position many times as the 'child-free friend.' The end IS in sight really - her kids won't be little forever, so it might be a case of 'grin and bear it' to some extent. However, I think I'd try to be direct with the friend that now and then it'd be nice to do something where you could chat properly.

sleeponthesofa · 03/02/2024 14:21

Your friend seems bonkers. It seems you have gone out of your way to accommodate her needs but she is oblivious to everything. Sorry OP but she sounds selfish and lacking in self-awareness not to mention, boring!
I would suggest an evening dinner or film : theatre (somewhere she can't bring kids) and see how that goes. If it's a no from her, then I think the friendship has run its course. It's completely one sided right now.
I think you must be an amazing friend to put up with that nonsense for so long!!
Go and enjoy your life without her!

Mariposistaaa · 03/02/2024 14:20

I am a mother and find this weird AF!

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 03/02/2024 14:13

I would be exhausted and I have 2 children. Tell her you prefer to have an adult catch up. I don’t bring my children when I meet my friends unless specified beforehand.

CruCru · 03/02/2024 14:11

Problem with inviting her for drinks or dinner is what if she brings the children? It would need to be somewhere that definitely doesn’t let children in.

blackpanth · 03/02/2024 14:04

YANBU

PuppyMonkey · 03/02/2024 13:59

Could you text “no thanks but I’ll see you in the cafe after the kids have finished playing.” And add a LOL at the end like she did?

CruCru · 03/02/2024 13:57

Itslegitimatesalvage · 03/02/2024 12:41

Just reply, “I really don’t want to go to a playground. Happy to come to yours though instead but no worries if that won’t work. We can try for a different day.”

I like this response. It’s polite and direct.

Malarandras · 03/02/2024 13:49

Invite her for drinks or dinner? Something at night and definitely grown up. I have two kids and I never wanted to socialise with my kids all the time. I looked forward to my quality time with friends and family. If she says no then you will know where you stand, in which case I would meet up with her less. Sad but I don’t think there is much else you can do.

FrederickTrottersville · 03/02/2024 13:46

She's a twat. I would bin her

Avacardo2023 · 03/02/2024 13:44

Is she definitely still your best friend OP? Is there a good friendship outside these meet ups, like phone calls and regular texts? Is she a good friend in other ways?

It's just that it sounds like she is using you as an additional pair of hands to enable her to take her kids to these places. It's quite hard work for one person to take young kids to soft play, and her kids sound particularly lively. It doesn't sound like she's bothered about catching up with you or having a chat, otherwise she would want to meet up in her home or somewhere where the kids wouldn't distract you both.

I think I would stick to only meeting up in their house and keeping the friendship to more phone and WhatsApp based until the kids are old enough to amuse themselves. Just push back on all meet ups unless they are at her house.

pregnantbestie · 03/02/2024 13:43

I'd say something like "i think it's just more difficult to catch up at the playground and I miss having a proper chat with you! Let's meet another time when we can have a coffee together" or second sentence can be replaced with "when their dad can stay with them" "when you can come over to mine" "when I can come over to yours" etc

Haydenn · 03/02/2024 13:36

She either wants an extra pair of hands on these outings or she finds them tedious and wants a bit of adult company on what is essentially a chore.

she’s using you and just slotting you into her day. I’m sure she isn’t ALWAYS with her kids, but other people are getting the more premium adult time

Caterina99 · 03/02/2024 13:36

I’ve 2 kids. I usually prefer to see my friends without my kids being there, so I can actually talk to them. But I do have some lovely friends that are happy to meet at the playground or beach or whatever sometimes so the kids can run about and we can have a bit of a chat.

No way would I expect a child free friend to only ever see me with the kids present. Or endure the hell that is soft play!

Is your friend a single parent with no access to babysitting? That’s the only thing that would make a big difference in my option, and even then you could go round to her house on an evening once they’re in bed

Iloveacurry · 03/02/2024 13:35

Do you ever meet her in the evening for drinks or dinner? Would she be up for that?

ellesbellesxxx · 03/02/2024 13:33

YANBU! I have twin 6 year olds and cherish time with them absolutely but I would not expect my childfree friends to hang out at those kind of places and I make sure I see them when I have child care so that I can chat properly.
When I am with my friends and their children, absolutely mine would be there too and the conversation is more stop start but we also schedule in child free catch ups!

”you go ahead with your park trip but why don’t I pop over after bedtime so we can catch up properly in that case?”

Lianna077 · 03/02/2024 13:33

HiCandles · 03/02/2024 12:36

It seems a bit mean of her to be so keen to cherish her children that she can't spare 2 hours every so often to see you alone. Yes childhood is short but friendships are important too.
It looks to me like she actually wants help entertaining her children over meeting you for your own sake. Sorry. Are you a better friend to her than she is to you? What happens if you suggest an evening out when kids are in bed with their dad or a babysitter?

This, especially ‘It looks to me like she actually wants help entertaining her children over meeting you for your own sake…’

buttons55 · 03/02/2024 13:30

I have young kids and I still prefer to see my friends sometimes without mine or their kids so we can actually hold a conversation and relax! Some of my friends sometimes have to bring their friends along as nobody else can have them which is fine as long as I can still have a break and I'm not the main person looking after them 😅

TrashyP · 03/02/2024 13:28

No one's mention it but could she be suggesting the location to give her kids a distraction and allow a chat?
The main benefit of meeting in soft play places is the kids run off and I get a chance to have a real conversation uninterrupted (largely) with other adults.

I'm a single parent with no family and wouldn't suggest this location to child free friend unless v close and kids hyper and the friend couldn't come over in evening.

Redlarge · 03/02/2024 13:24

Can you meet when they are at nursery/school

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