Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

@wronginalltherightways

because she doesn’t want to miss a moment! They’re only little once and the kids come first

I have 3 children and a few child free friends. I would never expect them to meet me in playgrounds and children’s festivals. You need to have this conversation and child free catch ups .

It’s strange she doesn’t want any time away from being a mum to enjoy her friendships. I’d understand more if she was a single parent. Sort of. But I was one and loved having a friend over after bedtime to have a glass of wine. She has a husband so she could leave the house to do that!
It does sound like she is using you a bit to help her on days with the kids.
I would say you’ve seen a good deal on Wowcher for cheap cocktails or something, and wouldn’t it be nice for her to leave the kids with their dad one evening for a proper catch up. If she shoots you down I’d maybe just fizzle out the friendship until the kids are older (if at all) x

Also child free and you're not being unreasonable at all. Kid oriented venues are horrible, loud, obnoxious and not somewhere most people would choose to spend their time given the choice. I would tell her you can't keep doing it and there needs to be room for compromise or you will be seeing less of each other. Life is too short to be dealing with that.

YANBU. Cancel, tell her you’ll see her some other time. That’s super annoying.

It’s unreasonable every time and her reply back acting as if the kids have total say on the meeting is bizarre?

Me and my son have days out to exhibitions or places like national parks and my friends may join us but it’s not an entirely child centric day. I also wouldn’t class these as catch ups as such, rather days out. I love spending time with them alone as you say to actually catch up and have adult conversation. It really isn’t the same with kids in tow. Yes they grow up fast but not so fast you can’t spare an hour every few weeks to also give your best friend some time too.

I would tell her and explain, as people have said if she’s such a longstanding friend you should be able to voice something that’s bothered you for years with no end in sight.

In a year this will change completely when the youngest goes to school

So just wait til then and go out for lunch

Yeah OP suggest meeting at a nice cocktail bar in town…see what she says?
@PlaygroundSusie

This friendship might’ve run its course.

Ask her to meet you in a wine bar, theatre or similar one evening and you’ll find out.

Unless the dad is not on the scene and she genuinely has zero babysitters, there’s no reason for her to say no. Other than, she’s just not that bothered about you unless you’re fitting neatly into her schedule.

I had a friend like this - I'm childfree too. I'm used to kids, have nieces/nephews/godchildren who I'm happy to spend time with.

After the 4th or 5th softplay and quite a few meet ups where some of her mum friends (who I didn't know!) were also there I asked if we could perhaps do a childfree early evening meet up. Her husband was happy to be left with the kids. We managed this once, she lasted an hour before she 'had' to get home.

I stopped bothering tbh and not seen her in years. This was a close friendship of over 15 years at the time and I'd always made an effort. I've got plenty of other friends with kids who still manage to keep in touch/ arrange things so it's not me!

Wow I think this is the first time I’ve seen a post where the vote is 💯 OP is not being unreasonable!!

She is using you for childcare. I love children but even when my DS was small and I was a single parent I enjoyed being with my child free friends.

I would just knock this friendship on the head. You are getting nothing out of it.

To echo the majority- your friend is being a rude at best, a complete knob at worst.

Fuck that. I'd have put my foot down before now. Well done for sticking with it for so long. Just be honest "Actually, you know I"m fond of XXX and XXX but I'd rather not do a playground or somewhere that will mean we spend most of the time facilitating the kids playing, I really want to catch up with YOU. Can we do a cafe? Or yours? Or maybe supper one night sans kids? And then maybe we can take them out another time?"

She's not doing her kids any favours actually. If they don't get taken to places where they have to occasionally NOT be the priority and shut up and let the grown ups talk, they will become spoilt and difficult to socialise. Not sure how that would go down with her but it's something she should be considering.

God almighty, childhood isn't so short that she can't spare a few hours once a month. I don't think it's good for children (or anyone really) to be the central attraction all the time either. I think you might have to reconsider this friendship because she's obviously got some strange ideas/issues. It sounds boring as fuck.

Oh God me too!!!
OP I have 4 small kids. I wouldn’t dream of doing this to my child free friends, I love my meet ups with them at child free places!
Your friend is rude and selfish and using you as free child entertainment.

I think your friend is being pretty inconsiderate. I had my children young and most of my friends didn't have kids. I didn't drag them to kids venues, I did that with other friends who did have kids! Can't you suggest evening meet ups when kids are in bed? I would often have friends round once kids were asleep for a takeaway and bottle of wine and a catch up. Or she could get a babysitter and have a night out?

Just that "LOL" on its own makes me feel stabby and I don't even know this woman.

But the kids go to bed! You can go out for dinner and drinks without her missing a single moment of their childhood. Or if she has no partner then you can go to hers.

I have kids and would never inflict a kiddy venue on my childfree friends

Surely the time is coming when the children will be in school for longer.

I know it’s aggravating but she will be doing this to tire out the children so they are less of a nightmare for her afterwards.

Basically you want to sit in a cafe where they will insist of all manner of chocolate and crap which will hype them to the moon, or for them to sit in the house where they will be bored, stir crazy. And in both instances your friend will have difficulty settling them for the rest of the day and for sleep.

I can see it from your point of view and I do empathise. But equally, I don’t think she has much of a choice if she is meeting you regularly.

If it’s a once off for a friend you can deal with it but having tantrums and difficult children every week or every other week would be exhausting. Sounds like she doesn’t have help either.

Sorry but she comes across in your post as such a nob, I would be meeting her once a year if it was me! Probably at Christmas.

How often do you meet up? Is she a single mum?
if not, I wouldn’t offer her a catch up as such, I would offer her an adult activity e.g dinner or lunch on a weekend or evening ( when you know her DH is at home). If she says she can’t, answer her something like - txt me when it’s good for you. If she offers you a visit to museum or playground tell her that you don’t want to distract kids and you would rather meet when she is free. And see what she says.
I think she probably doesn’t have time to meet up and it’s fair, kids are 3 and 7. The way she goes about is weird but she probably thinks that it’s kinder for you then not to meet up at all. Show her that you are not desperate to meet up at any terms.

Cross-post there with @CountryFrost and @LenaLamont

If you want to actually catch up with her and not her kids, why can't you meet up in an evening when the kids are in bed? At 3 and 7 her kids will probably both be asleep from about 8pm, which gives you plenty of time to have dinner and drinks.

She could get a babysitter or get her partner to watch the kids (if she's not a single parent) and you could get a late-ish table somewhere, go out to a pub or you could even go round to hers and get a takeaway in or something.

That is, unless she's just trying to get a bit of help with childcare out of you and she doesn't actually care about spending time with you.

Definitely not normal. I have 3 kids and one of my childless friends has rarely ever met my kids. We have been friends for years but why would I expect her to hang about a swing park or soft play? We go for child free meals and chat about adult things. I love my kids and spent a lot of time doing child orientated activities with them but do not expect my friend to do it. I also don't have any desire to take my kids with me when I go out with her as it's my time. This is not necessarily healthy for the kids long term especially teaching them others will pander to them