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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

515 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

OP posts:
Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 03/02/2024 22:51

tachetastic · 03/02/2024 21:56

I confess I have not read the entire thread and I am sorry. Forgive me?

I am really sympathetic with the OP, but I think we need a little more context, and I see that OP has not been back to provide it. Really sorry if this is going over old ground.

So, OP, I totally get your frustration and I would be the same in your place. But does your friend have an alternative? When she has two DCs physically with her, they have to take priority, especially if they are demanding. But could you find time to meet up with her in the week, when they are at school or in childcare?

Or is that inconvenient for you? Quid pro quo.

You don't explain your friend's home life situation, which is fair enough as it is private, but is there a husband or boyfriend who could look after the kids for an hour, or is your friend dealing with this all on her own? In which case, she needs a Wonder Woman badge and a bit more sympathy.......

Sorry if this has already been covered and I have missed it.

Show quote history

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume she’s not a single parent or OP would have stated as such but even of my assumption is wrong and is she is a lone parent with no support from the father her actions still don’t merit any sympathy.

I’ve had a couple of friends who were unable to get childcare for various reasons but they wouldn’t necessarily insist we go to soft play every time. They could come to my house, I could go to their house or go out to eat. There are other options.

I think what a few people are failing to understand is OP didn’t say she needs to see her without the kids, although I’m sure that would be nice too. But what she actually said was she had an issue with always meeting in child centric venues and the friend acting as if the kids should always get the final say on where they meet which is completely absurd.

luluhi · 03/02/2024 22:46

I would get fed up with this. I have a 20 month old and for me personally it’s so important to have alone time to catch up with friends even though it’s not often at all, or if I see friends who don’t have kids to go for coffee and a walk or something if my husband can’t have her for an hour or two.

Say something, if she’s a real friend she’ll understand and compromise; youve compromised enough.

Also I’ve been the child free friend before having kids going to soft plays with friends who had kids and I bloody hated it as they understandably always have an eye on their children so it’s hard to have a conversation.

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 03/02/2024 22:44

You should reply with "Well, I would prefer to meet you at the cafe. So, the playground it is – LOL!"

Tell her you'll meet them half an hour later than originally planned in the cafe, so the kids can tire themselves out in the playground first.

Mnk711 · 03/02/2024 22:37

YANBU your friend is being selfish. Even if you alternated between having kids there and not that would be something, to make you do those things every time is a nightmare. And I know this as I am constantly having to race around after my own children and not get to see my friends. I'd just tell her straight - I don't really feel we get to talk much when we go to kid friendly places and sometimes I'd like to go to adult environments (e.g. for drinks), though I love seeing the kids. Can we [stay at home more/alternate so sometimes kids aren't there/go to places that suit us all].'

TempleOfBloom · 03/02/2024 22:34

Unless she is a single parent why can’t she leave their Dad in charge while the kids are in bed and meet you in the evening? Like a proper grown up?

Wackadaywideawake · 03/02/2024 22:22

Could you suggest going to see her at home for a glass of wine fter the children have gone to bed?

Loopdela · 03/02/2024 22:11

Spot on …

Beyondbeyondbeyond · 03/02/2024 22:08

Daphnis156 · 03/02/2024 12:48

I think any attempts to "tell her straight" will lead to unpleasantness.
How tactful you try to be won't matter.

So really I'd let the friendship drift. If you don't want to do this, then just go on with these miserable child-centred activities, and enjoy them without complaint!

But given that it is worth asserting what you want.

You have my sympathy. Difficult people are …….difficult.

saraclara · 03/02/2024 22:03

"I'm afraid the playground doesn't work for me. We don't get chance to chat properly when we meet at places like that When I visit you it's much more relaxing and the kids don't need us so much, so we get to talk"

Tryingandfailingagain · 03/02/2024 22:02

Your response to her is then as follows

”Hi best friend- annoyingly I have to help dear aunt/mum/dad/neighbour during the day on Saturday. Will be SO ready for a glass of wine afterwards! I’ll bring the wine and snacks- see you at yours, say 8:30pm? CAN’T WAIT!!”

Absolutely no way I would continue the current setup. Set boundaries- you don’t have to accept this. As much as you like her kids, you’re HER friend, not theirs, and certainly not her babysitter.

tachetastic · 03/02/2024 21:56

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

I confess I have not read the entire thread and I am sorry. Forgive me?

I am really sympathetic with the OP, but I think we need a little more context, and I see that OP has not been back to provide it. Really sorry if this is going over old ground.

So, OP, I totally get your frustration and I would be the same in your place. But does your friend have an alternative? When she has two DCs physically with her, they have to take priority, especially if they are demanding. But could you find time to meet up with her in the week, when they are at school or in childcare?

Or is that inconvenient for you? Quid pro quo.

You don't explain your friend's home life situation, which is fair enough as it is private, but is there a husband or boyfriend who could look after the kids for an hour, or is your friend dealing with this all on her own? In which case, she needs a Wonder Woman badge and a bit more sympathy.......

Sorry if this has already been covered and I have missed it.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/02/2024 21:36

Can I ask you @PlaygroundSusie if you've ever turned down her suggestions of meeting at kid-centric locations?

Something like "Oh, I'd rather not meet at the soft play/playground/wherever. Any chance of meeting in Y location instead?"

I can't see any reference to it in any of your posts.

Perhaps you simply need to start turning down her suggestions of where to meet. Something like "Ah no, that doesn't suit me" and see what else she suggests.

WimpoleHat · 03/02/2024 21:36

I was - for various reasons - a bit like the OP’s friend. But the flip side of that was that I was enormously grateful to those friends who would still make time to spend with me with my kids in tow. And so those meet ups would inevitably be in a restaurant (with a kids’ menu) where
we could chat. That sort of thing. A playground? No way. I wouldn’t suggest that any more than they’d have suggested meeting in a nightclub.

Plus -‘the time the friend who was most indulgent of my kids said to me “Wimpole - I haven’t seen you on your own for ages and would like to take you out to dinner just the two of us”, I made sure that happened and my DH had the kids. Because respect/tolerance whatever goes both ways…..

enya39 · 03/02/2024 21:30

Well I have 4 young kids but my god I’d as soon catch up with my best friend in a tube station than the ZOO. Good god she needs to get out more.
idea - buy a couple of colouring books or similar depending on the kids age, and invite them over. You get your friend in the kitchen with coffee or wine and the kids can sit next door and colour in and watch peppa pig or whatever is age appropriate

Nevermind31 · 03/02/2024 20:44

Why can’t you meet up once the kids are in bed?
otherwise, just step back for a bit… tell her it’s ok, you are going to give this weekend a miss as they are off to the playground. Let me know when it is good to meet up at your house, or for dinner sometimes, so that you can have some grown up catch up time.

crikeycrumbs · 03/02/2024 20:41

Mariposistaaa · 03/02/2024 14:20

I am a mother and find this weird AF!

Me too! I've got children similar age to the OPs friend.

I try to 'cherish' (ha!) my time with them too as they're in school full time now.

But my time socialising with my friends is my own time. I don't get much of it, so I also cherish THAT. I don't want my friends to bring their children, I don't want to bring mine and I certainly don't want to go to a bloody playground or play centre. No thanks!

We do dinner and drinks, adults only.

ReturnfromtheStars · 03/02/2024 20:36

If the kids do lots of activities, can you meet up during one if the place has a café too? That would be an hour uninterrupted chat opportunity and she would need to go anyway, so you're still doing her a favour.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/02/2024 20:35

Haven't RTFT. Has anyone mentioned grandmothers who do this? I've known two & neither is a friend any more. They would turn up at what was supposed to be an adult event or catch-up with a small grandchild in tow - time after time. So bl!!dy irritating.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/02/2024 20:26

This would piss me off.

I'd reply, "Ok, how about you take them to the playground first, then meet me in the cafe at Xpm after? Or text me when you get back and I can pop round yours instead"

If she says about meeting them in the playground, just say you don't fancy it.

This really would drain me, I have two children and never dragged childless friends to playgrounds or child-centred venues/events. We met in cafes or at one of our houses. She's being unreasonable to expect you to have to put up with this.

Fofftwenty21 · 03/02/2024 20:11

I think part of the problem is that this has become the norm as you've been doing it for so long. Its great shows what a good friend you are and sounds like it's time for her to return the favour.

Definitely ask to meet somewhere else/or meet up just you two.

@EmmaEmerald I'm also childfree and also sadly recognise what you've written. Please do feel free to post more about it on our board.

BlueGrey1 · 03/02/2024 20:10

It’s selfish of her to expect you to enjoy these meeting places, surely she can leave her kids with her husband for a couple of hours every once in a while and just go to lunch with you on your own so that you can have a proper conversation.

Morhers who are obsessed with their kids are boring to spend time with if you don’t have kids.

Not sure what you could say to her though

crostini · 03/02/2024 19:58

That sounds crazy. I cherish my time with my kids too. But they go to bed? At 3 and 7 surely she or her partner if she's got one can put them to bed and then she goes out for dinner or drinks with you. It doesn't sound healthy for her at all.

Mumofoneandone · 03/02/2024 19:57

My best friends all have similar aged children to mine but we make an effort to meet up without children as we need that time together just us grown ups! Would suggest an evening meet....

Jl2014 · 03/02/2024 19:53

She is being a selfish twat

LookItsMeAgain · 03/02/2024 19:52

Having thought about it some more I think you need to say "Actually, I've done a lot of kid-centric meet ups. Why don't I bring a bottle of wine around to yours and we can catch up when the kids are in bed? We could get a cheeky takeaway delivered too if you like?"

Try to move the meet ups to a more adult - adult footing.