Page 13 | Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

PlaygroundSusie · 2024-02-03T12:23:38+00:00

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents. My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her. I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc. This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation. On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids. At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue? AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

sunshine237 · 04/02/2024 08:23

AinsleyHayes · 04/02/2024 06:44

I sympathise, OP. She is being very self-centred and you would be perfectly justified in saying something.

It sounds like she has lost who she is when she is not actively mothering. It is much more common than many want to admit and MN is pretty scathing towards it. I don’t mind admitting that I was a bit like this for the first year or so of my DC1’s life. Keeping it going for seven years is more extreme but the longer she goes without adult social contact of her own the harder she is going to find it later. Within the next three or four years her eldest will need her much less and when she comes out of the other side she is likely to feel quite rudderless while she remembers the parts of her life that used to exist independently of her children. She will likely want to rekindle the friendship then but I don’t think anyone would blame you for not waiting around.

I agree with this comment too, however it is with understanding. Many of us (me included) have been a bit like this as mothers for periods, albeit she's an extreme version. So personally I'd go into a frank conversation with this in mind. I'd say it's beyond unreasonable not to at least do a mixture of without the kids and with the kids. What about lunch, or an early dinner? The DH can sort kids' dinner and bedtime. I personally think it's absolutely fine that she doesn't drink, that's her choice and shouldn't be criticised. There are loads of delicious alcohol free options in nice places these days. It's the lack of give and take that's the problem. Do you have any other friends in common?

Skodacool · 04/02/2024 07:57

AinsleyHayes · 04/02/2024 06:44

I sympathise, OP. She is being very self-centred and you would be perfectly justified in saying something.

It sounds like she has lost who she is when she is not actively mothering. It is much more common than many want to admit and MN is pretty scathing towards it. I don’t mind admitting that I was a bit like this for the first year or so of my DC1’s life. Keeping it going for seven years is more extreme but the longer she goes without adult social contact of her own the harder she is going to find it later. Within the next three or four years her eldest will need her much less and when she comes out of the other side she is likely to feel quite rudderless while she remembers the parts of her life that used to exist independently of her children. She will likely want to rekindle the friendship then but I don’t think anyone would blame you for not waiting around.

This comment very much reflects my view. Friend will be over-invested in her children’s lives and will be utterly lost when they leave home. She’s building up a whole lot of problems for herself.

Josette77 · 04/02/2024 07:29

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 07:21

Good God, mums need to drink to get through their day! 🤣 I agree, if everything is on her terms, she sounds like a crappy friend. Sorry I obviously didn't RTFT.

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Lol for real!

I don't normally recommend alcohol, but she really sounds like she could use a drink.

Reminds me of Patsy in AB FAB describing a friend of Eddie's as being so anal retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 07:21

Josette77 · 04/02/2024 07:08

Apparently she gave up alcohol when she became a Mum because mums shouldn't drink.

Op, she sounds very ridgid and controlling. Friendship is give and take. She ys paying your way because you are basically a babysitter to help her.

I think you need a frank discussion.

I'm also curious how her dh feels about this all.

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Good God, mums need to drink to get through their day! 🤣 I agree, if everything is on her terms, she sounds like a crappy friend. Sorry I obviously didn't RTFT.

Josette77 · 04/02/2024 07:08

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 07:01

But also she could have wine and dessert, there are options if she could be bothered and prioritised the friendship. Catching up after the kids are asleep is the best as you can access properly relax for once

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Apparently she gave up alcohol when she became a Mum because mums shouldn't drink.

Op, she sounds very ridgid and controlling. Friendship is give and take. She ys paying your way because you are basically a babysitter to help her.

I think you need a frank discussion.

I'm also curious how her dh feels about this all.

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 07:01

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 06:55

OP has explained why dinner once the kids are asleep wouldn’t work - the friend has her evening meal at 5pm with the kids. She sounds unbelievably rigid and inflexible as well as very selfish!

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But also she could have wine and dessert, there are options if she could be bothered and prioritised the friendship. Catching up after the kids are asleep is the best as you can access properly relax for once

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 06:58

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 06:55

OP has explained why dinner once the kids are asleep wouldn’t work - the friend has her evening meal at 5pm with the kids. She sounds unbelievably rigid and inflexible as well as very selfish!

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Sorry I missed this. I'd probably give the friendship a miss. Like any relationship both people have to make an effort. As a mum myself, I'd hate if I had a friend who always had their kid with them! I'm a SAHM so it's not easy for me to have free time, but I still make an effort for my friends. She must be boring as hell

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 06:55

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 06:46

Probably just be upfront. I don't understand her always wanting to be with her kids, it sounds a bit unhealthy! Sometimes I have to do this, but I try not to, mine is 2.5 and its so distracting trying to have a decent conversation and be relaxed while also having to watch your kids, especially of she's choosing to not be at home (where at least you can relax a bit more). She sounds quite selfish. Can you meet for dinner once the kids are asleep?

OP has explained why dinner once the kids are asleep wouldn’t work - the friend has her evening meal at 5pm with the kids. She sounds unbelievably rigid and inflexible as well as very selfish!

Passingthethyme · 04/02/2024 06:46

Probably just be upfront. I don't understand her always wanting to be with her kids, it sounds a bit unhealthy! Sometimes I have to do this, but I try not to, mine is 2.5 and its so distracting trying to have a decent conversation and be relaxed while also having to watch your kids, especially of she's choosing to not be at home (where at least you can relax a bit more). She sounds quite selfish. Can you meet for dinner once the kids are asleep?

AinsleyHayes · 04/02/2024 06:44

I sympathise, OP. She is being very self-centred and you would be perfectly justified in saying something.

It sounds like she has lost who she is when she is not actively mothering. It is much more common than many want to admit and MN is pretty scathing towards it. I don’t mind admitting that I was a bit like this for the first year or so of my DC1’s life. Keeping it going for seven years is more extreme but the longer she goes without adult social contact of her own the harder she is going to find it later. Within the next three or four years her eldest will need her much less and when she comes out of the other side she is likely to feel quite rudderless while she remembers the parts of her life that used to exist independently of her children. She will likely want to rekindle the friendship then but I don’t think anyone would blame you for not waiting around.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 04/02/2024 05:57

She is only thinking of herself, doesn’t consider your needs or feelings at all. This isn’t her kids needs either as they don’t need her to be there when they are asleep! It’s all about her.

selfish friends are bad friends.

aloris · 04/02/2024 05:46

"she always offers to drive/pay if we go somewhere like the petting zoo, or kiddie museum, etc."

This isn't really generous on her part as you wouldn't choose to go to a petting zoo unless she was bringing her kids with her. You could visit a park for free, and it's what you would prefer to do!

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 04/02/2024 05:02

Your friend seems to have forgotten how to be an off duty grown up!

Original poster

PlaygroundSusie · 04/02/2024 04:08

MidnightSerenader · 04/02/2024 03:48

Sorry, why are you friends with this woman….??

LOL! We've been best mates for 20 years, and have a lot of history. We've travelled together, commiserated over break-ups and dating, had some big nights out in our twenties, etc. She's a great friend in many respects - very generous with gifts, and she always offers to drive/pay if we go somewhere like the petting zoo, or kiddie museum, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

PlaygroundSusie · 04/02/2024 04:00

Jk8 · 03/02/2024 18:34

Lol. Shes taking the piss & knows your good for an extra pair of hands

I thought you were going to say soft play ect where the kids can run off & shes free to chat but a petting zoo? You should have said no at the time

Just wait until you have your own kids & hers are both in school & watch her declare shes over those days & she'll just visit at home/wait for you to come to her.

Jk8 (and those who have said similar), you could be on to something there. I think my friend sees it as a win-win situation: she and the kids get to escape the house for a bit; she gets an extra pair of hands to help with the kids; the kids get an additional person to interact with, and she and I get to see each other (in a manner of speaking!). Her time is limited, so she probably thinks she's killing two birds with one stone.

If it were a matter of her and I chatting from the sidelines as her children run around, it would be fine. But my friend tends to follow after them, so we're mostly actively engaging with the kids. (To be fair, I've noticed all parents seem to do this. No one sits on the benches anymore! Plus, her youngest still has a tendency to run off in random directions, which means one of us has to chase her.)

OP posts:

MidnightSerenader · 04/02/2024 03:48

Sorry, why are you friends with this woman….??

Original poster

PlaygroundSusie · 04/02/2024 03:43

LookItsMeAgain · 03/02/2024 21:36

Can I ask you @PlaygroundSusie if you've ever turned down her suggestions of meeting at kid-centric locations?

Something like "Oh, I'd rather not meet at the soft play/playground/wherever. Any chance of meeting in Y location instead?"

I can't see any reference to it in any of your posts.

Perhaps you simply need to start turning down her suggestions of where to meet. Something like "Ah no, that doesn't suit me" and see what else she suggests.

I have tried. I've said things like: "Why don't I come around to your place this time?" But she counters with: "[Kid-friendly venue] is better, as the kids can run around and explore."

Maybe I need to be more direct?

OP posts:

Original poster

PlaygroundSusie · 04/02/2024 03:35

Hi all, thanks for your replies. It's a relief to know the consensus so far is that I'm not being unreasonable!

Many of you have suggested I go around to her place in the evening while the kids are asleep, for dinner and/or wine. I doubt that would work, for a few reasons.

Firstly, my best friend likes to go to bed early (like 9pm). She often says how knackered she is in the evenings, and how she prefers just staying in and watching Netflix with her DH for an hour or so. Secondly, she and her kids eat dinner early (5pm), so I doubt she'd be up for a second meal later. Thirdly, she gave up alcohol when she became a parent (because she reckons it's bad for mums to drink, or something). So wine is totally out of the question.

For all of the above reasons, asking her for a ladies-only night at the pub (or what have you) also wouldn't work. There is also an additional reason, in that she wouldn't want to leave her kids. She has only left them once at night, and that was when she had to attend a work function. She spend the entire Uber ride texting me about how she wished she didn't have to attend, and how sad she felt about being away from her kids.

Finally, many of you asked whether she has a DH who could look after the kids. The answer is yes, she has a husband who could mind them. But the point is, she doesn't WANT to leave her kids at home. She feels much happier and complete when they're with her. As a friend, I feel it's not my place to force her to do anything which would make her feel sad or uncomfortable.

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ZephrineDrouhin · 04/02/2024 01:24

It could last another 13 years given she has a 3 year old (who'll be itching to shake off their clingy mother as a teenager). I don't think she is going to change and will merely be angry if you challenge her. I think I'd just drop the friendship. She sounds very self-centred.

UnfriendMe · 04/02/2024 00:50

gannett · 03/02/2024 18:59

I'm child-free and this wouldn't be for me at all, sorry not sorry. Child-friendly venues look like absolute hell from the outside and a perk of being child-free is that I don't have to set foot in them. Happy to meet at parent friends' houses but it's a hard no to playgrounds, soft plays etc.

None of my parent friends would be remotely offended because I was very vocal about all of this, and about how I'd never have children and the reasons why, way before they had kids themselves.

I would just say no to meeting anywhere you don't enjoy on the grounds of it being "a bit much".

Yes to all of this.

NaughtybutNice77 · 04/02/2024 00:43

I kinda understand your friend and I understand why this could be frustrating. What I don't understand is why you've not mentioned your dissatisfaction properly or suggested alternatives.
Presumably her children sleep. Is there a reason why you can't visit her in the evening? Or could she leave the children with their dad/babysitter and come out occasionally?
If she doesn't want fo do any socialising without her kids then the balls in your court. No need to fall out, just invite her places and let her decline. Then when she suggests an activity day no that doesn't work for me, maybe we could xyz. Eventually things will fizzle out or you'll see less of each other but enjoy quality time.

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 03/02/2024 23:36

It won't last forever, obviously. Could you invite her round your house and subtly have a babysitter aka 'my mate who happens to be there' (Obviously you employed them!)- then they can befriend the kids and play with them while you chat with your mate? It will cost you a few quid but might be worth it, she might realise she likes this person so much she employs them as her own babysitter at home? Wishful thinking maybe. I can't think of how else to get her away from the children.

Childfree people please do NOT do this. Ugh this sets a terrible precedent for what we are expected to do.

If you want to babysit for your friend that’s fine - I’ve done so for my single parent friends so they could go out, but as a child free person you should not be paying for and arranging childcare in order to see your friend.

That is absolutely ridiculous, expensive and completely unnecessary in the OP’s case where she’s quite happy to see the kids in her /their home , it’s just she doesn’t want
to be in a child centric venue all the time.

I agree with PP it’s like some of the recent posters have made up their own scenario and didn’t read the OP at all.

Mariposistaaa · 03/02/2024 23:30

crikeycrumbs · 03/02/2024 20:41

Me too! I've got children similar age to the OPs friend.

I try to 'cherish' (ha!) my time with them too as they're in school full time now.

But my time socialising with my friends is my own time. I don't get much of it, so I also cherish THAT. I don't want my friends to bring their children, I don't want to bring mine and I certainly don't want to go to a bloody playground or play centre. No thanks!

We do dinner and drinks, adults only.

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Quite
OP could come back with ‘come back to me when you actually want to ‘cherish time’ with your so-called friends’

EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2024 23:24

Some of the latest posts suggest people really haven't read the OP first post at all.

BobbyBiscuits · 03/02/2024 23:00

It won't last forever, obviously. Could you invite her round your house and subtly have a babysitter aka 'my mate who happens to be there' (Obviously you employed them!)- then they can befriend the kids and play with them while you chat with your mate? It will cost you a few quid but might be worth it, she might realise she likes this person so much she employs them as her own babysitter at home? Wishful thinking maybe. I can't think of how else to get her away from the children.