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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

515 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

OP posts:
DeeLusional · 04/02/2024 10:48

PlaygroundSusie · 04/02/2024 04:08

LOL! We've been best mates for 20 years, and have a lot of history. We've travelled together, commiserated over break-ups and dating, had some big nights out in our twenties, etc. She's a great friend in many respects - very generous with gifts, and she always offers to drive/pay if we go somewhere like the petting zoo, or kiddie museum, etc.

Show quote history

This seems to be one of those friendships where you get dumped when someone better comes along. the "someone better" is her kids. You will never get back the relationship you had. It's just a fond memory now. time to move on.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2024 10:48

hydriotaphia · 04/02/2024 10:35

Eh it does sound U but the answer may be that you don't socialise with her at all otherwise. Unfortunately this is how I am at the moment - 2 kids, no socialising.

@hydriotaphia

what about the kids father? Why can’t he look after them while you socialise?

hydriotaphia · 04/02/2024 10:45

No, I've fallen out of touch with all but my close friends. Who I arrange occasional lunch dates with as I said.

Lottapianos · 04/02/2024 10:43

'It sounds horrible but I wouldn't be willing to give up a day with my kids as I don't get to spend enough time with them as it is'

Would you be willing to give up half a day or a couple of hours every few months to see a friend? If not, are you hoping that all these friends will just be waiting for you when your kids are older?

hydriotaphia · 04/02/2024 10:39

In fact having read your updates I am v similar to your friend - I go to bed at 9, am teetotal, try to eat with kids at 5, and my husband and I haven't managed child-free socialising. Our kids are younger- 5 and 1. We also work full time, me in quite an intense job which often means I have to work late/weekends, which is why we prioritise being with the children when possible. For us, socialising has just fallen by the wayside. We are too exhausted to keep up with it, and have never successfully managed to introduce a babysitter at bedtime. I have the odd lunch date childfree but that's it. It sounds horrible but I wouldn't be willing to give up a day with my kids as I don't get to spend enough time with them as it is. I'm not endorsing this lifestyle but I 100% get it.

Ghuunvg · 04/02/2024 10:37

She sounds like a bit of a loser tbf

Just text her saying "I'd like to catch up just us 2, text me when you next have a free evening ' and leave it at that

hydriotaphia · 04/02/2024 10:35

Eh it does sound U but the answer may be that you don't socialise with her at all otherwise. Unfortunately this is how I am at the moment - 2 kids, no socialising.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2024 10:29

shes given up drinking, she eats dinner at 5pm, bed at 9pm, won’t go anywhere without the kids…what a fun life 😬

QueenBean22 · 04/02/2024 10:29

I hate these “ cherish every moment” Mums. You’re allowed to be yourself too and no, every minute is not worth cherishing

YANBU @PlaygroundSusie that would drive me mad, I hate these playgrounds with my own kids

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2024 10:24

NaughtybutNice77 · 04/02/2024 00:43

I kinda understand your friend and I understand why this could be frustrating. What I don't understand is why you've not mentioned your dissatisfaction properly or suggested alternatives.
Presumably her children sleep. Is there a reason why you can't visit her in the evening? Or could she leave the children with their dad/babysitter and come out occasionally?
If she doesn't want fo do any socialising without her kids then the balls in your court. No need to fall out, just invite her places and let her decline. Then when she suggests an activity day no that doesn't work for me, maybe we could xyz. Eventually things will fizzle out or you'll see less of each other but enjoy quality time.

@NaughtybutNice77

how can you understand her friend?!

Kwam31 · 04/02/2024 09:42

I'm surprised her marriage is surviving, 7 years and never anytime away from their kids. That's suffocating.

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 09:36

wronginalltherightways · 04/02/2024 09:31

Suspect it's more of a cover for a partner who isn't pulling his weight.

Show quote history

Or perhaps he’s not being allowed to pull his weight because OP’s friend insists on doing all the child related stuff because she doesn’t want to miss a single moment of it.

wronginalltherightways · 04/02/2024 09:31

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/02/2024 18:29

@wronginalltherightways

because she doesn’t want to miss a moment! They’re only little once and the kids come first

Show quote history

Suspect it's more of a cover for a partner who isn't pulling his weight.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 04/02/2024 09:24

Mammyloveswine · 03/02/2024 12:34

Oh god I couldn't cope with this.. does she never socialise without her kids at all?!!

This. She sounds boring AF OP!

Lottapianos · 04/02/2024 09:15

Having read your updates OP, she really does want everything on her terms! She wants to be stuck to the kids like glue every minute of the day, and go to bed at 9pm, and eat dinner at 5pm, and never go out in the evening. It's like she's turned into a 3 year old herself!

You're a saint to have put up with this for 7 years. Shes being incredibly selfish and unreasonable

goingrouge · 04/02/2024 09:11

PlaygroundSusie · 04/02/2024 03:35

Hi all, thanks for your replies. It's a relief to know the consensus so far is that I'm not being unreasonable!

Many of you have suggested I go around to her place in the evening while the kids are asleep, for dinner and/or wine. I doubt that would work, for a few reasons.

Firstly, my best friend likes to go to bed early (like 9pm). She often says how knackered she is in the evenings, and how she prefers just staying in and watching Netflix with her DH for an hour or so. Secondly, she and her kids eat dinner early (5pm), so I doubt she'd be up for a second meal later. Thirdly, she gave up alcohol when she became a parent (because she reckons it's bad for mums to drink, or something). So wine is totally out of the question.

For all of the above reasons, asking her for a ladies-only night at the pub (or what have you) also wouldn't work. There is also an additional reason, in that she wouldn't want to leave her kids. She has only left them once at night, and that was when she had to attend a work function. She spend the entire Uber ride texting me about how she wished she didn't have to attend, and how sad she felt about being away from her kids.

Finally, many of you asked whether she has a DH who could look after the kids. The answer is yes, she has a husband who could mind them. But the point is, she doesn't WANT to leave her kids at home. She feels much happier and complete when they're with her. As a friend, I feel it's not my place to force her to do anything which would make her feel sad or uncomfortable.

God, I couldn't cope with this at all, the whole set up just excludes anything else from her life but her kids.

From what you said I don't really think talking to her will change anything but I still think you should tell her how you feel.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/02/2024 09:08

A frank talk with your friend may not be the answer Op. She's completely sunk herself into being a DM and she doesn't want to consider childfree outings, you're more likely to annoy her and get the "you're not a DM so you don't understand" answer. I'd wouldn't cut her off but see her once a month to keep your friendship ticking over. Once the kids are at school you could see if anything changes

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/02/2024 09:06

Anyway I think just need to be upfront with her

”Sorry Jane I love seeing you but as lovely as they are, it’s very difficult to catch up properly when the kids are around. Can I come and see you when the kids are in bed sometime? Or we could go out!”

you say she wouldn’t be up for this. But don’t say if you’ve actually asked her. If she says no I’d be cooling off the relationship tbh.

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/02/2024 09:02

From your updates it sadly sounds that she’s slightly unhinged

it’s a totally normal thing as a parent to enjoy time away from your kids. It’s difficult when they are very small but pretty much every parent I know relishes the occasional opportunity to enjoy adult only company.

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2024 09:00

How will she cope when the kids get old enough to not want to tag along with her everywhere?

SnowyPetals · 04/02/2024 08:56

It sounds like she's lost her own identity now that she is a mum. As for not wanting to leave her children ever, maybe she's worried the kids won't miss her if she goes out alone, and that somehow her purpose is diminished as a result.

Justkeeepswimming · 04/02/2024 08:49

Just read the update…..

What is the history here?

Difficulties with conception, traumatic birth, mental health difficulties?

What’s happened with her??

Bluenotgreen · 04/02/2024 08:40

Sorry OP but she sounds even odder from your updates.

I don’t drink alcohol, and left to my own devices, I eat dinner by six and am in bed by nine.

However, this doesn’t prevent me from going out with friends for meals, drinks, theatre, cinema in the evening with my friends sometimes. The type of liquid you have in your glass is irrelevant! She should be able to have a bloody cereal bar at five and eat out at 7 every now and then surely?

There is something quite strange about all this…

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 04/02/2024 08:33

You need to take control and invite her to stuff you want to do and decline her counter offer.

So you say, "I'm going to the pub on Saturday night, would you like to come?" Then counter her decline with "I'd live to see the kids but I'm still going to the pub, let's plan a kid day soon"

Xmasbaby11 · 04/02/2024 08:28

That sounds awful! I’ve got 2 kids and I’d never inflict that set up on a child free friend!

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