Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

I'm with you on this and I have two kids ages 5 and 2. Tbh vast majority of me and DH's friends from before we had kids, we don't meet them with our kids. They hardly know our children, they are all childless and mostly disinterested in our kids (other than polite 'how are they' and little chit chat, occasionally they might buy them something small for Xmas or whatever). But that's all absolutely fine with us. We both relish the childfree time with our friends! I prefer to meet them without the kids because as you say you can't catch up properly with them anyway. I think your friend is being super unreasonable but I also think she sounds like that's her decision to live life that way and I don't think you saying anything will change things, possibly you will lose her. But then it doesn't sound like she's a very good friend anyway if she takes offence.

Yes I read the original post. I was drawing the parallel with my own situation and then answered her question in a second post.

She's so inflexible and weirdly fixated on her kids. She isn't being a good friend. The occasional child venue fine, but not all the time. You can try to explore options that aren't so kid focused, it sounds like she probably won't budge, and if that's the case, do you really want to hang out with her anyway?

@Tigernoodles81 "if my friend has said, I would’ve happily gone to cafes or parks or for a walk or hosted her at home but going out is by far the easiest way to keep kids entertained. Especially if you want to run some energy off them. "

OP was clear in her first post that she has said this.

Some mothers really do think their children are seen as brilliant to everyone else as they are to them. They cannot imagine better company and are sharing their wonderful - ness with you. It’s really difficult. You have to back off for your own sanity.

'Its almost like she uses the kids as human shields against the world outside her family.'

I think you've nailed it. I think the kids / grandkids are some people's comfort zone, and they're happy for them to take up most of their head space, because its just easier for them that way. If the kids are the only thing that provides joy and meaning for the adult, that's a hell of a burden to saddle them with, very much speaking from experience!

My older sister was like this with her kids, she is now like this with her grandkids. Any suggestions of a Saturday afternoon out having a nice lunch always ends up in chicken nuggets at McDonald's. Her kids and grandkids are lovely and I really enjoy spending time with them but I just don't have a close relationship with my sister because of this. I can never speak openly with her about what's happening in my life because it's all kids/grandkids/play dates/school gate stuff, it's like nothing else exists for her. It's almost like she uses the kids as human shields against the world outside her family.

Sorry I didn’t actually answer the question! If pop her a text and say something like, I really enjoy seeing you and the kids but I’d value some child free time where we can chat and catch up properly. Shall we do cocktails/spa day/other child unfriendly activity as you see fit next time?

I definitely wouldn’t take offence to a message like that but it really hurt to find out my apparent friend was bitching hugely about this behind my back. We aren’t friends anymore and the mutual idiot got binned too just for information!

I have been the parent in this situation and I beg you to please tell her how you feel sooner rather than later. For me, this all came out via a mutual ‘friend’ who very much wanted to cause pain and angst.

if my friend has said, I would’ve happily gone to cafes or parks or for a walk or hosted her at home but going out is by far the easiest way to keep kids entertained. Especially if you want to run some energy off them.

that said, when my oldest was 3, I was quite happy to leave him with my husband and have child free time with my friend! I don’t quite understand those parents who have to spend every waking hour with their kids. I adore mine (from time to time!) but I want a break from them too!

oh god. How do you manage to keep her as a friend? She sounds dreary

i have kids but i still value time with friends in the pub. With booze. Away from the little darlings

she’s lost herself entirely

I think you probably just need to be honest with her about how sometimes it would be nice to meet without the children. She probably doesn’t really realise and has probably lost a lot of her confidence and her kids are like a safety blanket.

You are nice, she knows it and she’s taking full advantage. Drop her for a while, don’t even have a conversation.

You are a more fun, probably more helpful substitute DH for a day out. She can make whatever decisions she wants about how she socialises and her bedtime etc but people like this need to understand that other people do not have to accommodate their idiosyncrasies. Watch how fast she will find the ability to be flexible when she feels like she’s losing friends.

My god I would not be able to put up with this. Yes it’s lovely that your friend loves her children however it sounds like she’s completely lost her identity of herself as an individual person and is now just someone’s mum. Wanting to spend every second with her children is not healthy and is only promoting worrying attachment issues for the kids. I dread to think what she’ll be like one day when they leave the nest.

I would have been able to understand the behaviour a little if she was a single parent but she isn’t. Goodness knows what her husband think of the situation being made to feel like he’s incapable of looking after his own children without her.

I would politely suggest next time you’re planning a get together you say “it would be lovely to catch up just the two of us and have some quality adult time”

She cannot expect you especially as a child free person to want to spend your work free time at playgrounds and soft play!

Tell her the truth. There will be 3 outcomes.

1. She will met you without her kids

2. She will not change her ways and insist on kids activities

3. You have a choice of not meeting her at all

4. Status quo

Whatever the friend is being, it is not 'kind'

I think this might be how some of my friends vanished actually. I was probably seen as an obligation all along. It might be worth having that chat OP.

That would do my nut in, and i say that as a mother of two!! I'd be saying, albeit a bit more polite than what I'm going to suggest....kids choice first meet up, second meet up adults venue choice and so on

Sorry....but I'm angry on your behalf

'You should post about this on the MNetters without children board'

Great suggestion! Come and join us OP if you haven't already

Although to be fair, virtually all the parents on this thread have been horrified by how demanding the friend is being

JESUS CHRIST is all I can say to the story about the 10 year old at the hen do 🤦🏻‍♂️

It sounds like she is a dear old friend of many years and you have a great shared history but she is not a good friend now as she doesn't prioritise you and has no interest in catching up with you in your own right. You don't have anything in common anymore and that's not going to change any time soon. She is not a good friend for paying when you go to these awful places you don't even want to go to - it's the least she should do.

Would she be there for you if you got married and had your own kids, or if you had a crisis in your own life, if she can't even be bothered to give up a few hours with her kids to see you now?

Blimey this is all about what SHE wants. Her attitude to not leaving the children is really odd. You have to question how long this will go on for and what you get out of the friendship.
I have a single best friend. She loves my kids. We did walks picnics occasional beach days sitting walking the kids play. Cafes outside . NOT playgrounds / soft play , petting zoos . These sound no fun at all for you.
As a friend she should make time to give you undivided attention .
Could her DH persuade her that he would like solo time with the kids to build their relationship? She either needs to do early evening drinks with you after the kids are in bed or you could spend time at her house so the kids can play safely whilst she chats to you without hovering over them. Does she ever give you her full attention?

Why don't you let her go. She is probably finding the friendship stressful too, but is too kind to say anything.

Not overtly - she was super confident and very happy to hold court and feel like a grown up.

Wandering round the park while kids scooter/bike up and down is usually a good one for a chat too. Are they into scooters or bikes yet?

"On second thoughts, there's no point me tagging round the playground with you, why don't you take them there first and tire them out, then I'll meet you all at the cafe - say 4pm? Kids can have hot chocolates and we can chat properly."
For extra chat, gift them some little sticker/colouring books to keep them busy.

Wasn’t that quite embarrassing for the 10 year old?