Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty at husbands arrest

84 replies

Sobaditsfunny · 02/02/2024 23:29

I feel so guilty. Long abusive relationship came to a head a few months ago. Husband was arrested and put on bail conditions. Recently he breached his bail conditions, on the face of it he was visiting his daughter at the hospital but the reality was he knew where I was, found my car and parked next to it, asked me to go for a drive (I refused) then told me he still loved me. Then we had the 'I want to die if I'm not with you', he then began to discuss the court case/crime and attempted to convince me I had made it all up and was taking it too far. He made some absurd suggestions, threatened me then I came round and drove off. I came away feeling very confused and doubting myself. I didn't report it as I thought he would say it was an emergency visit to see his child. My IDVA rang and checked in on me this week. I told her and she told me to report it. So I did. And now they're arresting him tonight but this time they think they have enough (with other evidence) to remand him in custody. He hasn't seen the children for over a month then today he has tried to arrange a visit for this weekend. He didn't know at the time of the message what was coming and now I feel overwhelmingly guilty. Aibu for having reported it or should I have left it and allowed another opportunity for child contact??

OP posts:
Blogswife · 03/02/2024 07:57

YANBU , the bail conditions are put into place by the court to protect you & your family . Courts don’t / can’t apply them unless they think there is a high chance that your DH will try to contact and intimidate you
If you allow him to break them you are complicit and putting yourself & your family in danger . If you allow him to , he will keep pushing the boundaries until you crack.
Stay strong

Dweetfidilove · 03/02/2024 07:54

You did the right thing. He brought this on himself.

Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 07:48

@sorrynotathome my rational brain can see all the facts in the light of day. There's just this one part that can't pull away from the 15 years worth of habits I guess. Each blow feels like someone's hitting me over the head with a hammer. That's what it's been this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 07:43

Thank you everyone. I read up on FOG and it pretty much describes the past 15 years. Its so hard to break away from the feeling of fear of how he's he going to retaliate, obligation to keep him happy and guilt of how I could report him as the mother of his children. But I'm not going to lie, these past few months of no contact have changed my life. We can all finally breathe. (Until he thinks up something new)

The police told me earlier this week he's been granted permission to travel to visit his sick mum abroad (he's not from the UK) and that he plans to take the children. This is because I've applied for a lives with order which will allow me to take the children abroad without his permission. He's refused consent to let me take them on a pre booked Family Holiday so I'll have to cancel it/lose all the money. I've not broke it to the kids yet.

My solicitor has now applied for a prohibited steps order to stop him taking the kids-the police said they won't class it as abduction until after 4 weeks as he has parental responsibility.

Feel like I'm watching someone else live this life from afar, feel totally indifferent to it all. Apart from the guilt 😔

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 03/02/2024 07:34

Stay strong. If you waiver and don’t report, it would be used against you.
“She’s not afraid of me, we had a nice chat at the car park!”

In order to maintain custody of your children, you need to continuously demonstrate that you are putting your/your children’s safety first, and not a relationship at all costs.

Isanyoneawake44 · 03/02/2024 07:26

I'm going through this at the moment just the one arrest no bail breached and I've felt guilty at times which my IDVA says happens.

For you, he's clearly just not getting it, please don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself, it's so hard.

sorrynotathome · 03/02/2024 07:22

If you're wobbling like this now it doesn't bode well for the court case. Does your lawyer know? Your husband's barrister could easily tie you up in knots.

ACynicalDad · 03/02/2024 07:17

He’s not being arrested because you called the police he’s being arrested because his actions are illegal. YANBU.

Greatscottshesgotit · 03/02/2024 07:14

It’s understandable that you feel guilty and confused, you’ve had years of abuse, it’s wrecked your ability to see and think straight.

but OP, he’s dangerous. Men like this kill women like you. And they kill child with women like you too.

It’s fine to have feelings of guilt, I think it’s probably really normal but you must not let those temporary feelings have any impact on the things you DO. You must continue to stick to the guidance and advice given by the courts, your solicitor, women’s aid etc. report all breeches, don’t engage with him.

You wont feel guilty forever, it’s a temporary response to years of trauma.

Look at it this way, it’s you or him. Choose you, choose your kids.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 03/02/2024 07:10

He’s done a right number on you, you’re feeling exactly how he wants. Except you’re strong, you’re not under his control. You’re one of the bravest women on this planet and you’re doing exactly the right thing. Keep fighting back, keep telling yourself you’re right, keep telling yourself that his behaviour isn’t normal. You’re going to get through it Flowers

Inefficient · 03/02/2024 07:07

Well done OP. It is so important you keep yourself and the children safe.

You have done the right thing. You are recovering from the abuse. Trying to let go of the irrational guilt is part of it.

You are amazing for reporting it 👏👏👏

GoodOldEmmaNess · 03/02/2024 07:02

Please, please don't feel guilty. It was right to report it. He has caused you to doubt yourself about everything, but his behaviour was intimidating, harassing and a breach of his bail conditions. He won't see that, but that is his problem - and the police's problem. You have a right to live your life without being harassed by him. xxx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/02/2024 06:46

It might be reasonable not to report a chance meeting at the hospital but this wasn’t chance. This was an opportunity for him to harass and intimidate you. Witness intimidation is a serious crime. He’s clearly a massive arsehole. Prepare for having to do without any child maintenance soon if he’s remanded in custody.

SharonMarieSutton · 03/02/2024 06:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bournetilly · 03/02/2024 05:50

You did the right thing, he deserves it.

Evaka · 03/02/2024 02:57

Well done for being so strong. He's a psycho. I hope you have some friends or family supporting you xx

XFiler · 03/02/2024 01:56

Yanbu, read up on Fear Obligation Gulit op.

QueenBitch666 · 03/02/2024 01:56

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2024 23:38

With any luck, he can launched into the middle of the fucking ocean.

This. He's an abusive skank

thebestinterest · 03/02/2024 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 00:02

Thank you everyone, that has eased my late night worries! There's been so many things cropping up this week that I don't feel I can think clearly. He's really trying to play me with the finances too. He's not responded to the solicitors letters since November or attempts at reasonable maintenance then last weekend I had a flurry of payments from him which I thought was extremely odd. The day after I finally receive a letter that pointed out how much he is paying me and how dare I request maintenance. He put all these payments on his financial disclosure which was then exchanged. Literally the following day I get a call from Child Maintenance to say he's been on the phone disputing it and they've reduced the monthly payments by £300. I need to keep reminding myself of these things but somehow he's still getting to me. I'm scared I've got it all wrong and it's me. It's all a mess.

OP posts:
Done2much · 02/02/2024 23:50

YANBU
You did the right thing
He isn't taking his arrest seriously and needs the wakeup call he'll get now
Please prioritise yourself and your children
Good luck

adriftinadenofvipers · 02/02/2024 23:48

Oh sweetheart, he has done a number on you! Do not feel guilty ONE BIT!

This is all his doing. No reflection whatsoever on you.

My heart goes out to you x

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2024 23:46

I would be abusive to allow him to continue to treat you this way with your kids seeing this as normal behaviour. He was obviously expecting some kind of kickback because you drove off and didn’t dance to his tune. This will have been the only reason he has tried to want to see the kids (and further access to you.) Performance parenting for the benefit of a judge.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/02/2024 23:45

Why are you feeling guilty? He's an abuser

TraitorsGate · 02/02/2024 23:45

You did the right thing, he was abusive and now continues to theeaten you. Your and the children safety comes first.