To feel guilty at husbands arrest

Hello. You should start your own thread here and you will get a much more useful response. There are guidelines on how to do so if you Google ‘Mumsnet start a new thread’.

It's what abuse does to you

Hi all.i will briefly explain my situation here.my ex husband has remanded at the custody for harassing and stalking me. He is remanded from 2 months ago and will stay until march which is a trial date.i have a little child. He had a close relationship with his father and he keeps asking his dad and wants to see him.i requested and asked social worker to arrange a video call for my son and ex partner. So still waiting for the response!but the thing is I feel so guilty!I want to give up on my case against him!I heard from some friends,he is not well and he is crying every day in the prison.i feel really sorry for him and want to do something.but i am also not sure am I doing a right thing to give up?!

You didn't do this, OP. He did.

He could have harmed or followed you. He broke a very clear restriction. Of course you had to tell someone about it.

Family solicitor here.
If the messages do anything other than try to arrange contact then your mum needs to reply
Sorry xx I will not be forwarding this message to xx because it contains threats. I am to act as go between only in relation to contact arrangements. If you wish to change your message to remove these I will forward it on.

Report breach of bail conditions. When my abusive ex breached his conditions the police did nothing. I also had empty promises about custody.

You have a solicitor. I'm assuming they've advised no contact unless either at a contact centre (or other appropriate supervision) or as ordered by the court. Contact centres are usually very oversubscribed.

Why doesn't your solicitor apply for an order that you can go on your pre-booked holiday to be heard urgently (if the holiday is very soon)? It could be heard with the PSO application. I'm assuming he knew about the holiday when you booked it? Pre booked holidays which F knew about and where M is not a flight risk are usually allowed.

You should not feel guilty. He breached the order not you. He needs to learn to do as the court orders him to do or not to do.

I'd imagine that the signatures of both parents would be required for a minor's passport. Hopefully that's the case in the foreign country anyway.

OP I'm heartened to see that you have support from various sources. Is your mum fully on board with your situation, I presume she is.

You haven't said yet if the foreign country is a signatory to the Hague Convention. Have a look and see if you don't know already. It is a safeguard as you probably know.

Bless your strength. I can see you are aware of many angles to this. Good luck.

Can you apply for passports for the children in their other nationality so that you then hold all the passports, and he can't apply for any?

If it helps in your thinking, youv’e protected your child by doing this. It really does pay to err on the side of caution with kids. If you’d let this go, which was him testing those boundaries, further boundaries could have been breached with your child ultimately paying a price.

It must be hard, but think of yourself as your child’s protector. The legal system can put in place what they think protects your child, and it’s your job to report anything to them so that they have all the information at their disposal.

You did not cause this legal action, you were merely doing the right thing by passing on information to those that did decide this action.

Who is the third party. With the hospital then the staff or social worker can contact him.

If he can't come within 200m then he cannot pick up the dc from the house, stop engaging if you can, all communication now only through solicitors or court, not the third party anymore unless they are acting in a professional capacity.

You are not responsible for his actions, he is. You are responsible for your own and your children's safety and wellbeing. You have absolutely done the right thing. Stay strong.

It is 100% his fault that he's getting arrested. It was completely avoidable. All he had to do was leave you alone.

YANBU

Have you had any involvement with social care? I'm just wondering if you would consider self-referring as they may be able to also put things in place to protect your children? Such as supervised contact, etc? They might be more help than the police in getting things actioned

Refuse the contact he can take it court and you can request supervised contact.

Please ensure he isn't able to take the DC abroad. Is it a country signed up to The Hague Convention agreement?

@Sobaditsfunny You've done the right thing having him arrested and charged so don't feel guilty your soon to be ex brought all this on himself, no one held a gun to his head and forced him to abuse you. He's manipulating and using the legal system to his advantage he feels no guilt for what he's done to you and still putting you through don't waste guilt on him he won't ever change his ways its all about him getting control of you and your kids are just pawns to him to get at you.

Based on your replies I'm not surprised by the lack of response from the police not arresting him for breaching his bail conditions, they're utterly useless when it comes to domestic violence and I'm speaking from personal experience, my father was arrested held in custardy for 24 hours then turfed out back home to my mum, me and my siblings where he carried on being abusive. They did nothing to stop him but would come out to my mum's house when he reported her lying to the police that she was neglecting us.

Stop engaging with him only communicate through your solictors, even when he sends messages through a third party don't engage. Also do not let him take your children abroard because he likely won't bring them back and as the police said they can't do nothing until four weeks later, you'll end up in a legal battle with his country's laws that can take years. Refuse point blank to allow them to go you also have parental rights too start flexing them, if he can prevent you going on holiday you can also prevent him taking them to his country.

Taking the children abroad would frighten me a lot. Sorry OP, I am sure you are thinking the same thing. Is it to a country under the Hague Convention? Maybe he will be jailed before he has planned to travel. OMG what an awful situation to be in. But you are rocking it. Stay calm and focused and as others have said do the grey rock.