Family didn’t pay

Unless otherwise stated UP FRONT, the person doing the inviting to a celebratory gathering like that is expected to cover the cost. Your only mistake was in not doing so when you invited them. In the future, make it clear from the outset, and, when ordering, say, "We'd like separate checks, please."

Generally at the end of a meal, we'd all sort out payment. Sometimes it's indivudual, sometimes we just split, sometimes one person pays and we all transfer money to them.
If someone snuck of and paid the bill, I'd assume they wanted to pay. Of course, I'd say thank you but the bill taken care of with no discussion? At worst, they have dreadful manners 🤷‍♀️
Or are seething with jealousy at the boat 😂

1. How do you fancy us all going out to celebrte dh's birthday? We quite like xxxxxxxxxx but are open to suggestions xx#
2. Please come and join us at Luigi's to velebrate DH's birthday xx

Number 1, everyone pays for themselves, number 2 you have i
nvited them so you expect to pay in lieu of having them round to your house. Obviously either way, good manners on the part of your guests are expected.

It's my 60th this week. We re eating out on Saturday with 4dcs and their partners. I am expecting to pay as I am inviting them. Or dh will pay - same thing. I know they will all say thank you.

Take them for a ride then.

What's that got to do with anything?

This has happened to me before. I sent a message to everyone saying that I found it odd and hurtful that no one even considered how the bill had been paid and just left without paying. A few were sheepish and half heartedly offered some cash.
I tend to be generous generally, way too generous really.
I have realised that if you repeatedly pay or take responsibility for the bill people just expect it, become entitled. and are not grateful. I’m trying to stop being the first one to get the round, to cover the bills or be the one that always pays more. People just take you for a mug. I’m sorry that happened to you and I felt exactly as you did.

I keep reading the posts in between the ops first and second one to see if anyone said 'did you just buy a boat?' As otherwise I cannot fathom how that was a follow up post for context.

@StarlightLime I wasn't calling OP entitled. I was responding to a PP

Not necessarily.

As I said, we don't say thank you for settling the bill in my family. We're transparent about money (because we're family) so it's known who the higher earners are and that they can afford it.

If the ones who never pay had to say thank you all the time, that would feel bloody weird. They don't pay because they can't afford to pay, and it would be weird to make them acknowledge all the time that they're poor.

To us, family means taking care of each other, whether that's silently settling the bill or bringing someone painkillers when they're poorly sick. You just get on with it in whatever capacity you can manage. 🤷‍♀️

Of course we thank friends and strangers, but within our little family circle, the thank you is always assumed and not spoken. Different families have different cultures/norms.

Why would it be a treat for your dh that you paid for your parents meal? Am sure he'd rather his sibling came to a birthday meal than your family?

I think I would have asked about my share of the bill - but TBH by going off quietly and paying it, that's kind of indicating you're taking care of it.
how would it have been embarrassing for the waiter to turn up and the bill be split three ways?

In my family 9 out of 10 times I pay just because I'm in a better financial situation and they would not be able to pay even just themselves. I take them out a few times per year. But they always thank me. Sometimes even a follow up thank you text. Saying thank you is free. I'd be irritated by the no thank you. If they can afford it next time make it clear separate checks.

Snorted a bubble out my nose at the boat bit 😂

I can understand them not offering in this instance-you invited them and you went off and paid.

What I can’t understand is why no one thanked you; that’s fucking rude

Stealth boast 😂
What happens if they invite you out, do they pay?

It sounds as though they think you’re minted and have assumed the meal was on you.

Why? Op chose to pay, and didn't ask for any reimbursement.
Where's the entitlement?

You say that, but in the same scenario as OP describe I've been roundly rebuffed by people slipping away to pay!
I'd give people the benefit of the doubt unless they have a history of being CF's. You should always mention cost etc in advance.
They should have thanked her, but the 'discreetly' makes it seem like OP doesn't want a, erm, fuss.
Otherwise... why didn't she pay in front of everyone else? Why the need for such secrecy and discretion?
Also maybe they were expecting to be sent the bill later?

FYI I ALWAYS ask about money upfront to avoid all this hassle. Not just to avoid appearing entitled but also because I refuse to pay for any CF's that order lots of expensive stuff and insist on an even bill split.

You purchased your own boat and your DH's sister is jealous, so she instigated the whole family's refusal to offer payment or say thank you when you paid for a family birthday meal? I think that's a bit of a reach.

You wanted to be 'subtle' by sneaking off and paying everything, so they were being 'subtle' by letting you get on with it. I think they were extremely rude not to have thanked you, but as you invited them maybe they thought you wanted to treat them?

There are 2 things you can do, ask in retrospect for payment off them, or ignore it and do not pay for anything for them ever again. Can you afford to lose the money this once?

If you slip off discreetly to pay the bill away from the table it means you’re paying. If you want to split the bill you get it at the table and each pay by whatever means is your preference. Surely that part at least is universal? They potentially have thanked your dh when they realised you were away paying? I wouldn’t generally expect family to pay if I invited them out for a birthday

That's an astonishingly entitled attitude

How strange….so you wouldn’t say thank you?

I think this is a problem of your own making. If you don't want to settle the whole bill, don't settle the whole bill!

In my family, whoever reaches for the bill first pays (and only the ones who can afford it are expected to reach for the bill). Thanks are assumed. You can assume thanks with family.

If you invite family to a special family birthday meal you do normally pay as you are the host, unless you make it clear in advance that you can’t afford it. But relations normally say thank you at the time and a thank you card afterwards etc.

Oh I’ve been here. Got stung for a painfully expensive one last year and frankly disgusted with “family” over it. Do they have you pegged as a higher earner? No DC to pay for? Oh bingo then you’re the mug who can afford it in their minds.
You might have to lose this round but don’t put your hand in your pocket in future and if future events are to be split I’d quietly find a way to say “oh but I thought given…”.