Family didn’t pay

But surely you can understand not every family / social circle is like yours?

It’s not the fact that some people do things differently, it’s the fact that some posters on this this thread seem to be genuinely incapable of understanding that the way they do things isn’t universal and incapable of understanding that just because someone acts differently to them, it doesn’t mean that person is automatically wrong.

I could understand it 40 or 50 years ago but I had thought that the internet meant people were less likely to think conduct in their own little echo chamber was universal. It’s been a revelation to realise that’s not the case!

I genuinely had never, ever heard of this until someone said it on mumsnet. Every meal I’ve ever been invited to or arranged in my life, everyone has paid their own share. Literally never happened to me IRL that the inviter paid and it’s not an assumption I’d ever make

This is (used to be?) standard... The inviter was the host and would pay.

It's only more recently that paying for own meals has become a thing

Clearly, different social circles have different traditions about whether the host pays or the bill is shared / everyone pays for their own but it is a bit surprising that the OP has got so far as being married to her dh without encountering how they do 'paying for meals out together' before now.
However the act of 'discreetly going over and paying the bill' before the meal was over, is a very clear display to everyone at the table that you wanted to take care of the bill.
If you hadn't done that, then it is likely that, when people had finished their meal, someone would have said "Shall we get the bill then?" and someone would have said "Shall we work out what we've spent or are people happy to split per head?" BUT you didn't let it get to that point but somehow expect people to telepathically know that , by stepping in and covering the bill for everyone before it was even presented, you actually intended for them to know you wanted (only some of them) to pay their share ?

It’s not a matter of assuming, it’s a matter of taking cues from the host.

An actual invitation (not a suggestion to ‘join us’) to family for a celebration like a birthday with no mention of cost, no mention of splitting the bill either before going, at the table on ordering or on receipt of the bill (which didn’t happen here because the OP made sure to pay ‘discreetly’ out of sight of the table before the bill could be presented), I would absolutely assume the host intended to pay.

In fact, everything the OP did was almost exactly what my Dad did for my Mum’s recent birthday (including slipping off to pay without comment).

I checked with him this evening since some of the ‘everyone in the world runs their lives exactly the way I and my family do and anyone suggesting anything else is wrong’ posters were so sure that everyone splits bills in every circumstance. He looked at me like I was mad and said of course he paid - it was his invite and therefore as the host, obviously he paid.

It’s not ‘rude to assume someone is paying’ when that person has done everything a person does when they intend to pay in full and nothing a person does when they want to split the bill, particularly with family.

Also, before anyone suggests I’m taking advantage, I also pay when I issue the invite.

Out tonight for games and a meal with my partner and his family for brother in law's birthday. His mom paid, and we did offer to pay our and half of brother in laws. It's rude as an adult to assume people are paying for you.

You pushed the boat out over the celebration meal and I think with it being family, they assumed you were just happy to do that. When we go out as a family, my Dad usually pays and settles it and it's the normal routine over our family. I probably would have taken it as read over inviting me that you wanted to pay when you got up and did it as otherwise the bill would be still kicking about around the table. I think this sort of thing depends on the norms and expectations of people in the group dynamic at hand and I think often family meals are different to groups of friends going out. Whilst I personally would always thank someone else for paying, I could also see it as awkward for others to do so when you took control, paid and didn't give really anyone else the choice to pay/offer.

@StarlightLime yes he very much was! Think he felt awkward that the waiter was hovering around waiting for payment and everyone else had left, so paid it. But why he never confronted all the CFs for doing a runner I’ll never know! Not like we are well off or take turns in paying. And they also never said thank you.

He was a complete fool to pay it; you must know that?

I think it’s very cheeky!
we had the same years ago pre-kids. Nobodies birthday, just a get together arranged by SIL because everyone lives separately now. SIL booked restaurant for her parents (my ILs), her 6 kids, myself and husband and my other SIL and her kid. We didn’t even know about the meal until that morning. Anyway we went and everyone had 3 courses (no alcohol though) and when the bill came every fucker walked off for one reason or another (toilet, going to get the car etc) and my mug of a husband paid for it all! I said he best ask them all for their share (bear in my mind SIL who booked it is a family of 8 and they have a lot of money) - but he never did. Still pisses me off now years later.

I wouldn't just assume this. They could have paid from their own account and not from a joint.

I would expect to pay if I invited someone. Depends on the wording of the invitation. I am planning my husband's milestone birthday and we will host.

If you invite someone out for a meal, you should expect to pay. If two or more people discuss the idea of going out for a meal, everyone should agree to split the bill or pay individually. And let's face it - "You" did not pay for the meal. "You AND your husband" paid for the meal. And "You" independently made the decision to discreetly pay the bill, without even consulting your husband. If you all had a great evening you could afford, well done you for the organising. But I'd have more sympathy for the spouse whose partner invited a load of family to dinner, and then "discreetly" paid the entire bill, without checking with DH if he was in agreement with that. You're making all the decisions, as if no one else is affected, and then expecting a round of applause.

Yeah but you could still send a quick text message or WhatsApp to say thanks for the meal, surely?

I did that once and there was about 10 of us. I came back to the table and said the bill was sorted. Put a plate in the middle and said if you’d all like to put in for a tip. My partners side all looked at me as if I was mental and put in a pound per couple. The bill was £600 🙄😂🫣

You invite, you pay. Rude if they didn’t say thank you but other than that it’s not odd at all.

did u make it clear if they came they would have to pay?

I think this all depends on how the invite went out.

The person who invites pays unless they state on the invite or at the time of invite that the meal is on each person to pay for themselves. There is also usually a discussion of paying for the celebrant's meal collectively.

Depends on how you worded the invite. Mostly I would expect you to pay. If it was a sibling (unmarried and another sibling arranging it) I'd expect the whole family to contribute.

If you invited me to a meal I would not expect to pay.

I'm afraid you dug your own hole here. You didn't want discussion of the bill. And that's exactly what you got!

I think it depends how old you are? I wouldn't invite family or anyone else to a birthday meal without paying but my dd in her 20's would. I can't believe they didn't thank either of you though.. that is beyond rude.

It’s neither strange nor entitled if it’s normal in your social circles for a person inviting guests (particularly family) to a significant event (like a birthday) to pay.

I fully accept a lot of people don’t do this but a lot of people do which is why the host(ess) needs to make it clear which applies.

The OP (in not making it clear in the invitation, not mentioning splitting the bill when people are ordering and leaving the table to pay ‘discreetly’) has acted throughout as if she intends to pay in full and is now claiming to be shocked that her guests believed her.

Wut?