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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family didn’t pay

306 replies

LonelyonThames · 02/02/2024 19:07

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

OP posts:
LimberlostLark · 02/02/2024 20:11

If someone snuck up and quietly paid the bill I would assume they had behaved like that specifically because they don't want the bill mentioned.

(the boat line is very funny!)

SM4713 · 02/02/2024 20:11

Not thanking you is rude, but not making the payment clear from the start is your fault.
In general, if we are invited out to a relatives birthday/celebration, then they are paying- UNLESS, its clear from the invite phase such as 'Please come and celebrate Bobs birthday. It will be £x per person/we will be splitting the bill/each person will be buying their own etc.'

I nearly spat out my wine reading the boat comment. 😂What a bizarre thing to say and think OP! 😕

captaincalamari12 · 02/02/2024 20:11

😂

Family didn’t pay
betterangels · 02/02/2024 20:10

The boat thing is hilarious. Clutching at straws indeed. Next dinner out be clear upfront about expectations for payment.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/02/2024 20:09

chantelion · 02/02/2024 20:02

Because in some cultures we like to treat our parents!

Show quote history

And others like to treat everyone!

Perhaps if the OP had have communicated with everyone what they wanted to happen, this might not have been such a problem!

Whatonearth07957 · 02/02/2024 20:05

AND invited them and they paid their travel expenses to get a flight to your destination of choice... A thank you costs nothing and shows appreciation...

Lydara22 · 02/02/2024 20:05

Echoing others. If we invite others to celebrate with us, we pay. We would never expect others to fund our celebrations. It would feel really cheeky and bad mannered otherwise.

If we don't want to pay for others, just the two of us go out.

Good manners to acknowledge the invite and nice time they had though.

betterangels · 02/02/2024 20:04

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/02/2024 19:13

Did you make it clear you weren't paying for it?

And also when yoh paid did you not say i'll pay and we can work it out later etc. You seem to be being very passive about it all

Yeah, it's not clear at all. Tbh if you invited them, you pay. Of course they should say thanks though!

Kalevala · 02/02/2024 20:04

It's really not hard to split a bill between three groups assuming you all eat and drink similarly, two children? Something like 30-30-45 (I am aware that equals 105).

Whatonearth07957 · 02/02/2024 20:04

Irrespective if you had several castles and the QE II..

CaptainPliskin · 02/02/2024 20:03

Crooklodge · 02/02/2024 19:39

I've been singing Rosie and Jim all week, finally got rid of it then you go and mention boats? Cheers!

Yes, you're sil is VERY jealous of you, you rich bitch!

Rosie and Jim and Duck

Wadermellone · 02/02/2024 20:03

chantelion · 02/02/2024 20:02

Because in some cultures we like to treat our parents!

Show quote history

And in some cultures parents like to treat their adult kids

Whatonearth07957 · 02/02/2024 20:03

Not thanking for the meal is very bad manners...poor form...you are in the right to be miffed... CFS and rude

blackpanth · 02/02/2024 20:03

YANBU

chantelion · 02/02/2024 20:02

Shinyandnew1 · 02/02/2024 20:01

I can understand our parents not asking or paying

Why?

Because in some cultures we like to treat our parents!

Wadermellone · 02/02/2024 20:02

LonelyonThames · 02/02/2024 19:30

Well I’m just thinking out loud that she might be jealous because of the boat and think we should be paying in this scenario by default

Edited

To be fair. That is the well known rule in society.

Buy a boat, pay for the next meal out.

Likeagoodday · 02/02/2024 20:01

A boat or a yacht? Does she have a paddle board? Does anyone canoe? Do the children have pedalos?

Shinyandnew1 · 02/02/2024 20:01

I can understand our parents not asking or paying

Why?

Likeagoodday · 02/02/2024 19:59

You invited them out and paid the bill before discussing it 🤷‍♀️

GrumpyMiddleAgedCow · 02/02/2024 19:58

Well all I can say is

Quote Jaws GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All Time
StrawberryJellyBelly · 02/02/2024 19:56

If we invite we pay. Buy discreetly paying the bill is a sure sign your paying anyway. However, I’m pretty sure we’d happily pay for a family dinner for one of our children on their birthday even if they’d done the inviting.

Daisy12Maisie · 02/02/2024 19:49

If you went and paid for it then I assume they thought you wanted to pay for it.
If you wanted to split the bill I would have expected you to have said shall we split it 6 ways (or however many) or just pay for what we had? Or something like that. If you didn't mention it and just paid it then I would assume you had chosen to pay the bill. I would have checked whether the bill had been paid though and said thank you if you had paid it.

Jf20 · 02/02/2024 19:48

LonelyonThames · 02/02/2024 19:24

Thank you all for your honest replies.

just to give some context: I have always felt that my DH’s DS is jealous of me, particularly because we recently purchased our own boat.

Edited

😂😂😂😂😂

that’s so cringe it’s funny,

you invited, it’s his birthday meal, they saw you pay they thought it the deal

or yes they are all seething with jealousy over you and the boat has topped it off,

whatever ,,,um…floats your boat,

TheSnowyOwl · 02/02/2024 19:46

Now a castle is something I can relate to relatives being jealous of. Not that any of my family has a castle but if they did, and it would have to be well heated with plenty of damp proofing, then I’d be jealous.

laclochette · 02/02/2024 19:45

I think they were rude! If I'm out for a family meal and someone goes up and discreetly pays, I always
a) ask them if I can make a contribution
b) if they say no, it's on me, I thank them for their generosity

It is interesting however to reflect that every single time this has happened, they've said no. If I decided to pay the bill and wanted contributions after, I'd say as much at the table! "Rather than faffing about with split bills, how about I pay and then everyone can transfer me the money" etc.