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AIBU?

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To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

303 replies

purpledaisy240 · 02/02/2024 17:16

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

OP posts:
Alchemistress · 02/02/2024 17:32

Should you stay in your marriage and do you want children are two different things and shouldn't be confused.

By all means leave your husband if you feel that the marriage is not salvageable.

Also you may have to resign yourself to being childless further down the line if you don't meet the man who you can believe will be the father you need for your children. There will be people who say 33 is no age, but it quickly becomes 34/35/36 and then you're staring down the barrel of your 40s and with dwindling fertility.

You can of course go it alone through sperm donation.

It's tricky and I feel for you. If you were happy a year ago I would strongly urge counselling separately or together before you make any rash decisions.

SleepingBeautySnores · 02/02/2024 17:31

I think if you want a baby you're with the wrong man OP, and persuading someone to have a child when at rock bottom they don't one, will only lead to heartbreak for you, your partner and your child. It seems clear to me that you aren't happy, and so far better to quit now, than waste any more of your life with a man who is 'good', but really doesn't make you happy. Time to call it a day in my opinion.

DustyLee123 · 02/02/2024 17:25

Having kids is anchoring yourself to him for 18 years plus.
Dont ignore your gut feeling.