Page 3 | Found out man am dating was previously arrested

wishingyouwell · 2024-02-01T19:32:39+00:00

He told me he was arrested due to false allegation of violence from ex partner. Said was released without charge. No way of finding out other side of story. Would you continue relationship and hope for best or pull out? Early in relationship.

bombastix · 01/02/2024 21:41

He sounds very manipulative to me. I imagine actually you made him angry by asking and then he paused to gather himself to tell you his "truth".

Men who play on the sympathy of women are often very suspect. I would drop him like a stone. Good luck

PonyPatter44 · 01/02/2024 21:39

I don't know how I find them quite honestly

you don't find them. They are finding you. A wrong 'un can look at 10 women in a room and straightaway pick out the one giving off the "vulnerable " vibes. It's not victim-blaming to say this, although I know it could sound like it.

I would throw this one back. He's already lied to you and his story is changing subtly.

Original poster

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 21:37

AnotherEmma · 01/02/2024 21:31

Sorry to hear that.
Maybe get some therapy (or more if you've already had some), and consider the freedom programme if you've been in abusive relationships in the past.
It's ok to step back if you're not sure about someone.

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Thank you I think I will have to.

OP posts:

Original poster

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 21:37

bombastix · 01/02/2024 21:30

Yes the thing you must check with yourself is your own reaction. If you felt sorry for him (and what was the rest of the conversation like btw?) then you are imo being played a part truth.

That little germ of intuition will die if you ignore it. Don't ignore it. That is the point of the half truth test. Will you override your instincts for him on a very small amount of information?

If yes, you are in real trouble

The rest of the conversation was quite light comparatively, yes I maybe did feel sorry for him a little especially when he said he wished he had done some things better as evidently he has some regrets and after a long relationship I sense he misses her a lot etc.
Thank you for the insight that's very helpful.

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AnotherEmma · 01/02/2024 21:31

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 21:16

Thank you - valid points. I have had poor relationships previously but I'd have hoped that would have improved my choices. I guess I'm still waking up.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear that.
Maybe get some therapy (or more if you've already had some), and consider the freedom programme if you've been in abusive relationships in the past.
It's ok to step back if you're not sure about someone.

bombastix · 01/02/2024 21:30

Yes the thing you must check with yourself is your own reaction. If you felt sorry for him (and what was the rest of the conversation like btw?) then you are imo being played a part truth.

That little germ of intuition will die if you ignore it. Don't ignore it. That is the point of the half truth test. Will you override your instincts for him on a very small amount of information?

If yes, you are in real trouble

Original poster

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 21:30

bombastix · 01/02/2024 20:19

Well. Really it's up to you. But there are a lot of men in this world who are never arrested, and frankly on a risk basis, I'd say no thanks to this one. The fact you asked is a little odd, I may say.

I asked in a really friendly way so he wouldn't be defensive - I would ask 'Do you like digestives?' in a similar tone. I just had this feeling I needed to ask again face to face rather than over phone.

Years ago I was on a first date with someone who had what i can only describe as an evil flicker in his eye. His eyes reminded me of a notorious celebrity who murdered his wife so I asked him if he'd ever hit a woman. Crazy I know and have never done it since on first date but as it happens he was honest and immediately said he had beaten up previous partner as she stole all his money and gave to a relative. When I tell people the story of the flicker etc they think it's crazy but the outcome was I knew straight away. He proceeded to tell me he knew I wasn't the type to steal so not to worry.

I don't know how I find them quite honestly.

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AnneElliott · 01/02/2024 21:29

Statistically it's much more likely that he's the abuser. So many women don't report it or the CPS don't press charges. It doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Dump him - there are other men who haven't been arrested that you could choose to date.

Drinkinggreentea · 01/02/2024 21:25

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 01/02/2024 19:40

It's always a false allegation.

My ex husband had a false allegation, psycho ex blah blah blah.

Now I'm the one who made false allegations, and is the psycho ex.

I wouldn't trust any guy who says this, ever. At worst he's an abuser, at best he has an ex who will go to any lengths to destroy his life, and I wouldn't want to get embroiled in either situation.

Same. Run.

Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow · 01/02/2024 21:24

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 19:38

Thank you all. I made enquiries about Clare's law but was told there was a possibility police would contact and interview his ex partner. This seemed really odd to me as in this case the ex would tell him and he would know it was me. If he is in fact violent wouldn't that put me or anyone in my position at risk?!

Here's your answer. You know instinctively that you're in danger from him, and you're trying to convince yourself that the (love bombing?) lovely guy is the real version of him/that he'll be different with you/that you're the one who will bring out his best self/fix him.
RUN!

coxesorangepippin · 01/02/2024 21:24

Run

HRTQueen · 01/02/2024 21:22

TheUsualChaos · 01/02/2024 21:16

Do you want to..

A) trust his story at the risk of your own safety if it turns out he is lying to you

Or

B) run a mile and find someone who doesn't come with massive red flags and questions marks over his character.

I know which I would choose.

^ excellent way to answer the op

PeskyPotato · 01/02/2024 21:22

The way I see it, if you trust him not to hurt you, tell him you're doing Clare's law and see his reaction. If he has nothing to hide he won't care about you hearing all the details.

Littlegoth · 01/02/2024 21:22

@bombastix Yeah that’s exactly what my relative’s ex did. Testing the waters. Everyone that knows him can’t believe he’s in prison for trying to kill her. He’s such a funny guy.

She didn’t run a Claire’s law because he admitted ‘slapping’ his ex once in an argument, but it was self defence apparently. He served 2 years for it so I’m guessing it was a bit more than a slap.

OP - Run, run, run.

Original poster

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 21:17

Lovemusic82 · 01/02/2024 21:11

Run and don’t look back. My ex told me exactly the same, said his ex accused him of being violent. He went on to abuse me (raped me, threw things at me and verbally abused me). After I got rid he met someone else and went on to abuse her child 😞, she knew he had been accused or rape and harassment (he was arrested) but she chose to ignore it.

I'm sorry to read that - horrendous.

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TheUsualChaos · 01/02/2024 21:16

Do you want to..

A) trust his story at the risk of your own safety if it turns out he is lying to you

Or

B) run a mile and find someone who doesn't come with massive red flags and questions marks over his character.

I know which I would choose.

bombastix · 01/02/2024 21:16

Tbh it's likely to be something of a test of you; a part truth to see how you react. And that is a classic for an abusive man to do early on. He tests you to see how curious you are.

Original poster

wishingyouwell · 01/02/2024 21:16

AnotherEmma · 01/02/2024 21:07

Why is your bar so low that you would consider continuing to date this man?

Have you been treated badly in the past (by partners, parents, others)? Do you have low self esteem?

I can think of no other reason why you'd consider ignoring the absolutely massive red flag.

Thank you - valid points. I have had poor relationships previously but I'd have hoped that would have improved my choices. I guess I'm still waking up.

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Muchamucha · 01/02/2024 21:15

Claire’s law was created to help women find this stuff out, please take advantage of it.

I had an ex who said he had been arrested for ‘self defense’ violence against a man…. Until he was re-arrested for breaking a restraining order from the ex he was arrested for violence towards 🙃

Hes given you a crumb incase anyone who knows him tells you he was violent to his ex, so he has already given you the narrative he will push.

Lovemusic82 · 01/02/2024 21:11

Run and don’t look back. My ex told me exactly the same, said his ex accused him of being violent. He went on to abuse me (raped me, threw things at me and verbally abused me). After I got rid he met someone else and went on to abuse her child 😞, she knew he had been accused or rape and harassment (he was arrested) but she chose to ignore it.

AnotherEmma · 01/02/2024 21:07

Why is your bar so low that you would consider continuing to date this man?

Have you been treated badly in the past (by partners, parents, others)? Do you have low self esteem?

I can think of no other reason why you'd consider ignoring the absolutely massive red flag.

Wishitsnows · 01/02/2024 21:06

He’s not worth the risk. It’s so unlikely that it was a false allegation. Think of how many women don’t report all the abuse they suffer and take years until they finally do. Lots more would probably have happened to get to this point. There are plenty of men out there, this one has too many red flags.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2024 20:57

Cost:benefit:risk

The chances are very very high it was an assault.

If it was the risk is assault and possibly death.

It is wasn't the risk is not having a relationship.

You'd have to be a fool.

Mamaraisedadoughut · 01/02/2024 20:43

Nope, wouldn't entertain it for a second.
Only person I've ever known who told me of an "arrest" a wrong arrest, false allegations, nastiness, he was the injured party, by people just making up vindictive lies who he had tried to help

Turned out that arrest wasn't how he told me at all.

We had been in danger being around him all along I'd never recommend giving the benefit of the doubt in these sorts of situations.

There's too much at stake.

Lockupyourbiscuits · 01/02/2024 20:36

End it now while you can
do not risk your safety
This is classic abuser talk