Inheritance issues !

I don't know enough about the law around these things to know if it's true or not - but does she seem sorry? Does she acknowledge it was a bad decision? Her decision to instigate family therapy and then change the will to include you does suggest that she knows it was.

I'm sorry, though. From someone else who has been badly let down by their mum, and has tried to get over it but never quite succeeded and always had a pretty tense/fragile relationship, I do really feel for you.

Tbf, yeah I see their point. They're worrying about their children and will feel more at peace knowing they've protected their most vulnerable children. Your DB should try and see it from his worried and dying parents perspective.

I seem to be in the minority in thinking that it's completely justifiable to split inheritances based on circumstance. Maybe it's because I'm not from a background where I know many people who actually get inheritances.

I would want to set my children up the same way, it would bring me comfort to know that I could bring financial security to those struggling.

I don't really see inheritance as a reward or measure of love. But then I'm not really due anything so perhaps I'm just not so invested.

Nobody is unreasonable for deciding how they want their money to be distributed.
It doesn't matter what your brother or anyone else thinks.
I would hate anyone to think they had a say in how i distribute my money when the time comes. They have their reasons and that's all there is to it

I think my parents would have been inclined to give someone involved in drugs and petty crime less money not more.

If he has issues that were not of his own making such as disabilities then maybe it would be easier for your older brother to understand.

At the moment it looks like crime and drug taking is being rewarded.

Wrong thread I think @Brefugee

@horseyhorsey17 because it could be easily construed that I bullied her into changing it. I didn’t bully her, I went low contact. In fact I told her not to change it. But I don’t think that’s how the law would see it.

Eh?

Agreed - it's ridiculous!

There's no right or wrong answer. Hope it doesn't cause a fallout, money is the worst thing a family can argue over.

Your parents are leaving their money in such a way that gives them peace of mind. They are not well you said, they probably want to know that their children are looked after going forward. Perhaps for this reason they are not looking to be “fair” but leave the world knowing their troubled son will be ok and that they daughter won’t have to struggle so much in the future.

That's just stupid.

I personally think equal is the only fair way to do it. I know there's a good chance that one of my siblings and their spouse will always earn just min wage, whereas I and DH earn well. But I do also have a slight irritation about how often we get told "ah well they don't have very much so we'll cover that", or "I know you earn a decent amount, but they don't have much".

And no, they don't. But they also have very minimal outgoings and have made choices. The spouse went to the same university as me and has a very similar degree. But chose to not apply for related jobs and work retail instead (whilst complaining). We live in a different area and so our mortgage costs are three times theirs (yes, a choice in some ways, but equally these jobs don't exist in their area so still a factor). They have chosen no children, whereas we have a DD and at present our childcare fees are massive.

ONE DAY, if all stays the same, we will be better off. But regardless of income at the moment, we are not. And it's our choices that have made that possible, not circumstances out of their control. So if my parents left them more, I'd feel slightly put out that they hadn't paid attention to the choices and sacrifices made to get here.

Luckily I am aware of their wishes and I am their executor. And their wishes are equal split, but that if any of us needs looking after, we do that between us. And I would never see my family struggle if I could do something. So it wont be an issue. I just wanted to put a point across as the elder, "better off" sibling who is deemed less "needy" of parental support.

@Bookmark1111 yep. She’s completely aware. She instigated the family therapy which was a complete disaster because the therapist also thought she’d made a huge mistake and whenever she asked questions like ‘so have your sons not had any of your time?’ And my mum would say ‘of course they have’ then she’d say, ‘so how have you accounted for that in your will’ and my mum couldn’t answer. I used to speak to her every day and see her 3-4 x week just for a chit chat. Now I speak to her and see her when I have a reason to. And beyond that I have nothing to say to her…..wouldn’t want to be accused of using up her very expensive time.

By the sounds of it, your DB is a grasping greedy shit. They’re already rolling in money yet they think they should have as much as your sister in straightened circs and your disabled child who may need life long care they really need to take a long hard look at themselves.

we have a template for distributing money according to needs in our society, it’s called charity. Where those who have plenty give to those who don’t have the same privileges.
(we also have a tax and welfare system which is meant to work in a similar way).

my uncle was all over my grandmas humble house when she died (hardly ever bothered to visit her when she was alive). He literally has multiple garages full of vintage cars and a massive house and his kid went to Eton. Absolutely rolling in it. But, he still was rooting round to see what loot he could grab in the end. Despicable.

Equal split is always the fairest way although
your brother with drug issues might be better off having his share put in a trust fund and paid out monthly rather than as a lump sum.

I don’t believe a child’s life choices that lead to success or more money should impact inheritance
My dss have chosen very different careers that will, financially, have very different outcomes. That’s their choice but I will not be penalising the high earners because of it.
Nor would I reward those that have children because they chose to procreate.

If you respect your parents then respect their decision. They will not have made these divisions lightly.

Have only read OPs posts. Presumably your parents have explained all this. However. They must be aware that this will cause unrest, and disquiet. In the extreme case those promised less may feel that they don't have to "earn" it and not be available for any help the parents may need.

I can't imagine spitting my dummy out over one of my siblings being left more money than me in the kind of circumstances you describe. I'd be happy for them that they were getting a chance at some of the financial security and freedom of choice I already have. I would also be extremely disappointed if one of my children was so grabby and uncaring towards their siblings were I to make a similar decision.

I think your parents sound sensible and loving, and are trying to meet the needs of all their children as best they can.

This is so sad. How devastating for you. What made your mum think like that?!

I get it to a certain extent as I imagine if my mum ever does a will on her own, she will favour my DS who she believes is incapable of looking after herself. My family is pretty dysfunctional though!

But why do you think your DBs could successfully challenge her will now she's changed it to include you?

I can understand why the eldest brother would feel hurt / unfairly treated.

But I mostly agree with your parents.

Have they sat your brother down and carefully explained their reasonings and reassured him that they love all four of you equally, but that his sister (as a non home owner, single parent, much lower income etc) really needs money more than him. If he is feeling very hurt by their decision then they really need to emphasise this a lot with him. Could he get left a higher percentage of sentimental items in the will, to show their love to him but reflect that he needs money less.

And can you remind your brother just how much the money would help your sister and her kids….. and still she would never come close to his wealth and level of comfort/luxuries. Surely if he received a quarter of your parents money he would spend it on a nice holiday, investments etc…… whereas for your sister it could change her life and get her on the property ladder rather than rent her whole life.

Definitely, because they'll also live longer and so need the money!

I am the youngest sibling in my family by some margin btw! 😂

Ridiculous, isn't it?

I should add that both DBs have benefitted from financial gifts from my mum in the past that I haven’t had and I haven’t minded or complained and DH and I have recently paid for private healthcare for one DB. I would never see either DB in financial hardship…..but to be excluded from a will feels like a parting statement to the world that I wasn’t valued. Will’s need to be fair and if you e done a decent job of raising your children then hopefully they will look after each other.

dagnamit!
i also read it that the disabled grandson will inherit more

In fairness it should be equal.