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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

504 replies

wpur · 29/01/2024 11:16

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 11:03

@Futb0l Actually, it's quite possible that he does not have a choice. That workload isn't that unusual. I've done it. He has committed to that contract. Medicine is a very small world, especially for a consultant building a career. There are still plenty of places where pushing back against those hours, or quitting, means that he says goodbye to future local job opportunities.

whatsappdoc · 31/01/2024 11:01

Where did the 6 hour drive come from?

Rainsew · 31/01/2024 11:00

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 10:57

@Spiderzed I've been in a very similar situation to OP's husband. Working at home does not work . Or at least, it takes twice as long, thanks to crappy health remote access and interruptions. Being out of the house was the only option.

It wasn't the only option, even if this is the case and it would be harder at home I'm sure he could figure it out for the sake of his family ie do it in the evenings when he has nothing else to do. If he wanted to he would is invariably true for most situations.

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 10:57

@Spiderzed I've been in a very similar situation to OP's husband. Working at home does not work . Or at least, it takes twice as long, thanks to crappy health remote access and interruptions. Being out of the house was the only option.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2024 10:34

Op why don’t you take him up on his offer and make Sunday a self care day for yourself?

get yourself off to a spa day and leave him and baby at home

WINNER!

Spiderzed · 31/01/2024 10:30

Thegoodbadandugly · 31/01/2024 10:26

So if your working in a hospital till 6pm and have a 6 hour drive you would be happy doing that on the Friday?

Hence the.. wait for it... early Saturday ie not when their child is in bed already. Do you seriously believe he spends every Saturday doing admin even though he could do it at home? He's at least enjoying an extra day doing as he pleases with zero family responsibilities which is sad as OP also works and you'd think he would want to see his family. As an aside my DH when he worked away would come back whenever he could, a 4 hour drive to spend as much time with us as he could from his own decision- never forced him to.

Thegoodbadandugly · 31/01/2024 10:26

Spiderzed · 31/01/2024 10:22

Having worked with many doctors working away from their families I'd be fairly suspicious of not coming back Friday evening/early Saturday to be honest.

So if your working in a hospital till 6pm and have a 6 hour drive you would be happy doing that on the Friday?

Spiderzed · 31/01/2024 10:22

Having worked with many doctors working away from their families I'd be fairly suspicious of not coming back Friday evening/early Saturday to be honest.

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 10:10

Lameborzoi

Even in the unlikely scenario he has to work every single saturday for months on end...

He is making a choice to be in this job. Its not a job compatible with his responsibilities as a parent, so he needs to find a different one.

Thegoodbadandugly · 31/01/2024 09:49

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 08:22

@Futb0l Nonsense. It's not every consultant, but it sure as hell happens.

I think some people on here are so full of shit it's unreal! Given the state of the NHS the A&e all round the country being overwhelmed where people are dying in the waiting rooms or corridors, or the queues of ambulances outside a&e for hours on end and people still find it hard to believe and hard to believe something like this! Until of course they have to visit A&e then they will soon change their minds!

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 08:22

@Futb0l Nonsense. It's not every consultant, but it sure as hell happens.

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 08:14

No, it's entirely possible to have that much work in a clinical role. And it just needs to be done. It's often things like writing clinical reports, and there aren't always people to delegate to.

Scirocco · 31/01/2024 08:14

TheHoover · 31/01/2024 05:42

did OP confirm whether DH is indeed a consultant on 12 PAs or is this speculation/ comparison? If he is, why would a consultant ever need to relocate or be on a 9 month contract? It doesn’t add up.

I don’t know many NHS jobs that cannot be done locally. I suspect he has got himself into a niche or project-based discipline where jobs are few and far between. But in taking this role he has prioritised his career (and maybe money) over everything else. People frequently take a step down or sideways for other more meaningful benefits such as a shorter commute and lighter workload/reduced pressure.

Time for a serious talk about what he will do after this 9 month period ends. Everyone has choices.

From reading OP's posts, it sounds like her husband is a locum consultant. That means he doesn't have a permanent position but instead is employed on a temporary contract. This is actually fairly common. Locum contracts might be for a few weeks, a few months, a year or more, or done on a month-to-month basis long-term. A locum might, for example, cover someone's maternity leave in one place, then move to a vacant post elsewhere to cover someone's secondment, then move to bridge the gap between someone retiring and the new person starting.

There are a lot of jobs that can't just be done at your local hospital. Not every hospital has all specialties in it - a lot of health boards/trusts may have a system where, for example, one hospital has the area's renal specialists, another has the neonatal unit, another has the cardiac cath lab. And even if your local hospital has a specialty, that doesn't mean they'll have a consultant vacancy in it.

Getting a first permanent consultant post can be hard, just like getting your foot in the door in any field. Let's say that an opportunity comes up to apply for one at a hospital near his family, near good schools and transport links, etc. Great, he puts in his application. So do other people who want to work in the nice convenient area with the good schools. And those people may well include people with years of consultant-level experience, additional qualifications and skills, publications, etc. If he gets the job, that's good, but if he doesn't, then another job in that team may not come up for several years.

A lot of people therefore spend a few years doing locum jobs, in part to build up a good CV and make future applications competitive.

If OP and her husband are now in a situation that can't be maintained by them long-term, then he may well need to explore options for non-consultant posts closer to home. Other options could include compressing hours, moving to less-than-full-time, outsourcing more and using technology to stay in touch more during the week, etc.

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 07:56

To clarify i also know loads of consultants and some v senior nhs management and they do not work away all week every evening AND all day every single saturday.

user18 · 31/01/2024 07:45

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 07:38

He's disorgsnised/not working effectively or he's bullshitting. I don't know anyone including CEOs, who routinely works 6 day weeks..

Agreed. I know lots of consultants. DHs best friend also runs a very large hospital. He isn’t telling you the truth OP.

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 07:38

He's disorgsnised/not working effectively or he's bullshitting. I don't know anyone including CEOs, who routinely works 6 day weeks..

barkymcbark · 31/01/2024 07:36

Does he actually want a family? Doesn't sound like it. He probably likes the thought of it and being able to tell people he has one. But being present isn't in his game plan

Gruhgahkle · 31/01/2024 05:57

PinkyFlamingo · 29/01/2024 11:23

If he works for the NHS then he will have contracted hours. What are those? If it's 37 and a half hours Monday to Friday for example then if he can't get his admin done within this there is something far wrong with his workload

If he's a doctor it would be 48 or 56 hours.

TheHoover · 31/01/2024 05:42

did OP confirm whether DH is indeed a consultant on 12 PAs or is this speculation/ comparison? If he is, why would a consultant ever need to relocate or be on a 9 month contract? It doesn’t add up.

I don’t know many NHS jobs that cannot be done locally. I suspect he has got himself into a niche or project-based discipline where jobs are few and far between. But in taking this role he has prioritised his career (and maybe money) over everything else. People frequently take a step down or sideways for other more meaningful benefits such as a shorter commute and lighter workload/reduced pressure.

Time for a serious talk about what he will do after this 9 month period ends. Everyone has choices.

EmeraldA129 · 31/01/2024 05:27

if hes staying away all week would he not be better to do some admin each midweek evening? You need to see each other to, it’s not just about time off from dd.

Orangello · 31/01/2024 05:14

you're working six days a week in the home, with a day off offered. He's working six days a week at his job

OP works in her job and is also working on top of that doing childcare and housework every evening and night . He has every evening and night but one free.

MCOut · 31/01/2024 04:58

Every single Saturday? At the very least this job is not tenable and he has to have them look at his workload. How long is left on the contract?

justjuggling · 31/01/2024 02:16

Apologies, just realised he might be a senior clinician rather than manager. If so he needs to highlight the situation to his clinical supervisor as it seems the expectations are unrealistic and significantly impacting negatively on his work/life balance.

justjuggling · 31/01/2024 02:13

A whole day for admin when he’s in a senior level NHS role? Does he not have admin support? Or if he’s away from home all week, could he do some in the evenings? I’m also in a senior level NHS role plus a single parent raising 2 DC. Either his job has unrealistic expectations or he needs advice on how to better manage his time and/or admin support provided for him.

853ax · 31/01/2024 01:34

Could you get a babysitter once or twice during the week get out for a walk or gym class.