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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

87 replies

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:38

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 27/01/2024 13:37

That is fairly bad. I left 17 yold DS alone for a few nights last summer & he respected the house. I let him have friends round too because I trust him. He is NT however so I'm aware it's different.

MoonWoman69 · 27/01/2024 13:32

YANBU at all. You gave him clear instructions on what he could and couldn't do while you were away and he ignored them. Plus all the other things that you've stated that he does, I don't know how you'd be able to relax on holiday, it would probably turn out to be a waste of money and cause more stress with the worry about what was going on back home. Harsh as it sounds, try and sort out alternative accommodation, but also make sure he has absolutely everything he needs while you're away, because he shouldn't have access to the house.

Acrosstheeuniverese · 27/01/2024 13:30

Is he saving to move out?

Mischance · 27/01/2024 13:26

Time for him to move out and lead the life of an adult. Set a date.

Original poster
holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 13:12

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

No he's not allowed people round while we're not here because neither he or his drinking buddies respect our home and so while we're not home I don't want people coming and going in our home. The cushions and blankets were laid on the sofas like beds where his mates had stayed over and we specifically said no one round.

OP posts:
Danioyellow · 27/01/2024 13:12

If you read the op he can’t even be trusted in the house on his own, and going by the evidence he’s had a house party and not even managed to clear up after it. The ops clearly very worried about it, he can’t be trusted. At 23 if he wants to leave doors unlocked and taps running and lights on and throw parties, then he’s free to move into his own place

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

Walking2024now24days · 27/01/2024 13:05

Could any of the family that don't live nearby come & stay. Either WFH OR Retired??

YANBU to look at alternatives. I have stayed with relatives/friends 'kids' in similar situations.

Original poster
holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:59

Maray1967 · 27/01/2024 12:44

Yes, I’d agree. Cheap b & b, but if you’re expecting him to pay for it then you can’t expect him to pay board for that time.

He has blown his chance to be treated like a responsible adult and be trusted in the house on his own.

That seems perfectly reasonable and he wouldn't be eating with us either.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 27/01/2024 12:45

My DS1 is 23 and if he had done this I’d take the same line.

Maray1967 · 27/01/2024 12:44

Yes, I’d agree. Cheap b & b, but if you’re expecting him to pay for it then you can’t expect him to pay board for that time.

He has blown his chance to be treated like a responsible adult and be trusted in the house on his own.

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 27/01/2024 12:41

The fact that he had friends over when you told him he couldn't is your saving grace here. Easier to tell him he can't stay as he broke your trust last time rather than because he won't remember to lock up. He had his chance and blew it.