To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

Yep - I’m ADHD and doing my 4th degree (a PhD); my youngest is ASD about to start 4 A levels and hopes to go to med school; eldest is a year behind after having MH issues at 6th form and dropping out, now homeschooling, but hoping to get to Oxford for a BA in FineArt next year.

They can be a nightmare when it comes to keeping the house/rooms clean; managing laundry; washing up (🤬); remembering even the most basic thing they’ve been asked to do 10mins ago - and, yes, I lose my sh*t with them over it sometimes - but my home is their home, their friends are welcome unless they trash the place, and whilst I will put support in place when I go away (friends/a builder on-call), my job as a parent is to scaffold them into independence not punish then for perpetuity for breaking rules that really didn’t cause any harm.

It seems very unnecessary. What will he do when he moves out? Will you be worried about him burning the house down etc? Or will you teach him ways to remember and cope? I feel for your son. He should be allowed friends, you should be happy he has some to come over. Who cares of a few pots were left?
you sound very controlling.

He lives there, so it is his home. It’s almost impossible to get housing without significant help because the market is so fucked at the moment.

@LuckySantangelo35

Do people really think like this about their own children?

None of this sounds like anything a neurotypical teenage boy wouldn’t do? Having friends round — so what?

@girljulian you may not be and actually neither is my DS, but yes I will admit to having had huge anxiety at leaving him at home because he would (and still does) do some stuff - leave doors open, have friends round and drink / take drugs; have fires in the garden. all sorts. I was hugely anxious about leaving him at home because every time I did, I’d come back and something else would be trashed.

I have adhd and so do my children.
I am stuck on you not letting your 23 year old son have people over.
I thought you were going to say he left the gas on and nearly burnt the house down. Nope his crime was having people over.

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

It might not be his property but it is his home. It's where he lives.

Tbh it doesn’t sound as though he is allowed to feel it is his home, despite the fact that he has a job and pays housekeeping. It seems like you treat him like a lodger?

That’s exactly what it sounds like. I am ND but also just had to learn to manage things because I wasn’t babied and grew up with a single parent who worked so I’d been in the house alone (Not overnight ) since my teens. I’m hyper vigilant about checking I have my keys when I go out, locking doors and turning things off etc because I’ve always been quite self aware and know my weaknesses.

I moved out at 19 but came back for a couple of years in my mid 20s and despite not paying towards much except doing my food shopping I was definitely allowed friends over.

I hope you made him clean the house when you got back last time though, he shouldn’t be leaving it a mess for you. but apart from that sounds like he coped well as nothing was flooded, set on fire or damaged.

rents are very high, not everyone can afford to move out even in flatshares and many of the affordable flatshares are really grotty and unless you’re living with friends it can be risky . It’s perfectly normal and understandable for 23 year olds to be at home nowadays.

@Wolfiefan

it is not his home

it is OP’s home.

it is her name on the mortgage, not his.

he is 23 , about time he got a home of his own

These people saying Good God etc obviously don’t have experience of. DS with ADHD. I do and I completely get where you’re coming from. However, it all depends on whether he is supportive, will he do this?

Yes, this. At 23 surely he should be allowed friends to visit? It’s not as if they wrecked your home, trashed it and cost you a fortune in repairs last time is it? You only knew because of bottles in the bin and a few stray cushions - ie no damage, no issues, all tidied up afterwards. Your DS simply broke your ‘rule’.

Tbh it doesn’t sound as though he is allowed to feel it is his home, despite the fact that he has a job and pays housekeeping. It seems like you treat him like a lodger?

re-reading your post it seems to me that you may have trust issues, some level of anxiety, and like to be in control. I am sure that after 23 years of parenting an ADHD child there are lots of valid reasons for this - but your son is an adult and holding down a job and many non ADHD teens/YAs stuff up, much worse than a few cushions.

Perhaps you could consider some counselling or family therapy as being this ‘controlling’ [can’t think of a gentler word for it, sorry] is not healthy for you or your son.

If you keep treating him like a child, he'll keep acting like one, what chance has the poor guy got?? His friends kipped on the sofa and had a couple of legal drinks... You cannot kick him out of his home while you go on holiday and expect him to foot the bill of alternative accommodation that's entirely unreasonable. ADHD doesn't mean completely useless either fwiw

So you want to kick him out of the house whilst you’re away?? It’s his home. Either you trust him to live in it or you don’t. In which case he should move out.
I also think it’s completely OTT to say he can’t have any friends over to his home.

At 23 years old, he needs to learn how to not destroy the house. He's a grown man for gods sake.

So your 21 year old son had a couple of friends over 2 years ago and had a few legal drinks and left the house a tip like kids do and now he's 23 and still not allowed to be alone in your house because his ADHD makes him untrustworthy wow! This is a wind up right? Adhd is debilitating it sounds like instead of teaching him coping methods and building a relationship you've berated him and treated him like a 14 year old.

If he can’t be trusted he can’t be trusted. I would move him out entirely to a flat share. He will never learn to be responsible otherwise.

Absolutely not hard work! Have you not read the OP's post at all?! Her son has ADHD, despite the fact that she could come home to a flooded or burnt out house, due to lack of attention span, she also specifically asked him not to have people round and he went against her wishes. If she can't trust her own son to do as she asked for one weekend, then she has every right to put things in place to prevent anything happening whilst she is on holiday. Makes sense to me. You must be ok about your house possibly being trashed or worse then? OP is rightly not!

My thoughts too. You want to chuck your son out of his house AND make him pay for a B&B??

At 17 I was left home alone and had the best parties while my parents weren’t around. They were so amazing about it. I had people stay. This happened often as I was working before uni.

I’d happily let my DC have friends to stay now. It’s their home, and while it’s your DS’ home, let him have some freedom.

Presumably he has keys. Wouldn't he just let himself back in once you were gone?

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

Tough one - maybe he learned his lesson? Was he contrite? Could you discuss whether he would be responsible this time? Do you think he’s grown up a the past year? Could a friend pop in a couple of times while you are away to keep an eye on things? Or are you going to hold it against him for the rest of his life?

I’d state what our expectations are if we went away, pop in a Ring doorbell/camera to let him know I can monitor him this time but also offer that if the house is as as tidy etc as we left it, there would be a housesitting bonus on our return (a decent percentage of what you are thinking of spending on a B&B).

My kids are ASD/ADHD and my eldest is now nearly 19, so I am having the discussion with DH as to when/if it is ok to leave them (with two dogs) but I know it has to be done and we have to accept there could be issues if we want them to develop independence and responsibility. Consequently we’ve put contingencies in place: we have a builder/maintenance friend who could be on standby for any disasters, a friend who would pop in to make sure the house is tidy and there are no parties. Perhaps you could do similar?