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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

87 replies

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:38

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

OP posts:

Caerulea · 27/01/2024 16:39

The bulk of your initial post was about having ppl in the house. He's 23, it's bizarre to limit him like that unless they are literally trashing the place, which it just doesn't sound like he did. Unfortunately you come across as controlling on this aspect.

If it really is more about the taps, then get some little signs laminated & tape them to the things he forgets to do to help remind him.

But to kick him out and make him pay for his own b&b isn't reasonable at all.

NoTouch · 27/01/2024 16:04

No I wouldnt ask my ds to leave his home while I was away.

But he would be taking responsibility, cleaning up and paying for any damages or he knows he would moving out permanently.

Lifebeganat50 · 27/01/2024 16:02

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

Did you actually read the post as to WHY he wasn’t trusted to not have anyone round whilst his parents were away? He had people round and proved his parents right because of the state of the place

Original poster

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 15:58

We've never stopped him from having friends over, just not while we're on holiday because we like to know who's in our house.
My concerns are more with leaving the tap on after brushing his teeth and I turn it off when I notice, usually after he's gone to work so it would have been on all day if we weren't home, leaving the front door unlocked and the light on which if we weren't here would be for the whole day or night, all these things were in my original post so I'm not sure why people are clinging onto him not having people in while we are away, that's not the main point here at all, it's his safety and the safety of the family home because he isn't responsible.
He was originally coming on the holiday but as he can't get the time off work now it's made uncomfortable about leaving him.
Yes it's his home but it's our house and in our house we do have house rules.

OP posts:

penjil · 27/01/2024 15:54

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:40

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

Show quote history

Still no people around. Sorry. Thems the rules. 👍

Snowdogsmitten · 27/01/2024 15:42

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2024 14:12

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

She quite clearly stated the place was an absolute tip. He disrespected their home.

CurlewKate · 27/01/2024 15:36

He's not allowed people over? Is that usual for a 23 year old living at home?

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:33

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:28

@LuckySantangelo35 so at 18 or 21, whatever age you say "happy birthday, you can't call here home anymore" 😂 all jokes aside I think it's really sad you feel that adult children shouldn't call their parents house home

@nowthelighthasgone

no, obviously I wouldn’t say that.

but there does come a point for every adult where home isn’t their parents house. And maybe that needs to come soon for OP’s son as it’s just not ok that he disrespects their wishes about their home and makes a mess and doesn’t clean up after himself.

Honeychickpea · 27/01/2024 15:29

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:22

My thoughts too. You want to chuck your son out of his house AND make him pay for a B&B??

Show quote history

No, she wants to chuck him out of HER house. A 23 year old who won't even clear up after his own party.

TheBayLady · 27/01/2024 15:28

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

Obviously not, he can't look after himself never mind having loads of people to keep under control

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:28

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:25

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:25

@LuckySantangelo35 so do you correct your children when they refer to their "home" and tell them they haven't got one yet? 😂

@nowthelighthasgone

depends on their age I guess 🤷‍♀️

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:25

@LuckySantangelo35 so do you correct your children when they refer to their "home" and tell them they haven't got one yet? 😂

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:24

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:48

None of this sounds like anything a neurotypical teenage boy wouldn’t do? Having friends round — so what?

Show quote history

@girljulian

my parents would have gone mad at me if I had set a fire in their garden

its not ok

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:23

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:20

@LuckySantangelo35 so by your logic if you're not on a mortgage you don't have a home?!?

@nowthelighthasgone

if you are the one paying mortgage OR rent then it your home.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:21

roarrfeckingroar · 27/01/2024 15:11

That's all a bit sad. You don't sound like you like him much.

@roarrfeckingroar

lol only on mumsnet are you expected to do everything your offspring wants , let them trash your house or whatever otherwise you don’t like them.

it’s ridiculous

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:20

@LuckySantangelo35 so by your logic if you're not on a mortgage you don't have a home?!?

Tempnamechng · 27/01/2024 15:14

They moved cushions and drank beer, at 23 years old? Shockers!

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2024 15:14

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:40

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

Show quote history

So, to be fair, take away his ADHD and he may well be the sort of disrespectful son who doesn't respect his parent's property

purpleme12 · 27/01/2024 15:13

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2024 14:31

So you want to kick him out of the house whilst you’re away?? It’s his home. Either you trust him to live in it or you don’t. In which case he should move out.
I also think it’s completely OTT to say he can’t have any friends over to his home.

I do think this is true.
If you really can't trust him at this age to leave him in the house while you go away, then really it's best if you make him find his own place.
Because while he's living there it should be his home as well as yours shouldn't it.
And it doesn't sound like it is.

roarrfeckingroar · 27/01/2024 15:11

That's all a bit sad. You don't sound like you like him much.

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 27/01/2024 15:08

Well I agree with the PP that said its time he got his own home, but not for the same reason.

It must be stifling living somewhere you're not trusted or able to feel yourself! If the worst he did was have a couple of mates have a couple of beers and crash on the sofa, you've got nothing to worry about!

And just in case, get home insurance.

Mindymomo · 27/01/2024 15:07

I may have given another chance had he not lied about having people over and come clean to you. We’ve left our 2 adult sons alone before and all was good, but they’ve now fallen out big time and haven’t spoken for 2 years so one of them comes with us on holiday and we leave the other at home. He’s admitted to having friends around, but all has been good. We tell our neighbour and they have a key.

Bunnyhair · 27/01/2024 15:03

Also, though, it’s great that people on this thread have ADHD and PhDs etc. But surely we all know that ND conditions affect people differently and to different extents in different areas of functioning. It drives me bonkers when people bang on about the injustice of being held to NT standards / norms and then hold everyone else with their diagnosis to their own personal standards. I’ve got ADHD and I’ve managed fine in life. Other people in my family are utterly debilitated by it and can’t manage their lives / impulses at all (and no, it’s not just because they’re lazy or they’re just twats or whatever - it’s because they are much more profoundly afflicted by symptoms that are milder for me, and for others who are able to manage their lives and relationships).

beAsensible1 · 27/01/2024 14:57

I think it’s an opportunity to practice trust and him show he’s responsible and matured.

maybe take a £100 cleaning deposit to use if anything gets ruined while your away.

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