To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

Leaving taps running and doors unlocked? Holy shite. I wouldn't want him in my house either.

Zombie thread

So you don't trust him so want to put it onto someone else? Sure if his friends are independent and living alone that is their choice but not if they live with their own parents themselves it is not fair on those parents

This.
I suspect having to pay his own electric/water bills, tidy up himself after guests etc will sort him out.

Can't believe OP is considering sending him to a friend's house though, if he can't even be trusted to lock a door or not leave a tap running!

Goodness it’s a very high level of disability if a flooded house is likely. Surely he’s not safe to stay in a b&b either?

I've read your posts, op, and noted the details about taps, lights etc.

I still think you're massively unreasonable to kick him out to self fund a b&b while you're away because he dared to have friends to stay (at 22/23). And 'massively unreasonable' seems like the kindest description here.

I really feel for your son, tbh. I can see, and understand, why there might be legitimate issues sharing a home with him but this feels like you're fighting the wrong battles and picking the wrong hill to die on.

I would say similar to the good God posters and I have ADHD and autism myself. I hold down a very responsible job. My parents taught me how to be independent and didn't hold mistakes against me. There may be more to it that I've not read/hasn't been posted but based on the OP it was some time ago and not a big deal - not even something I'd say was a mistake only people with ADHD might make. The ADHD may be a red herring (and if it is that bad, has he not been helped with therapy/meds and coping strategies?)

Not if he is irresponsible and leaving the house so messy after a party. 23 doesn't mean you don't have any respect for your parents home

I don't understand the outrage about asking him not to have friends over. Yes it is his home but it is also OPs home (and her partners I think) and the son is the junior partner in this arrangement.
Someone upthread suggested a family member dropping by. I don't think you can ask someone to check up on a grown adult in that way.

Although I think OP is getting too much grief about the "don't have friends over" thing I think I'd try to pivot it. If he has a friend who you like and trust, I'd actually be saying "no friends except Dave, but he can stay as much as you like" - leave a note of what needs to be done and hope that DS can use body doubling to get him through the basic tasks.

He's 23. If you are willing to have him at home then he should be able to have friends over. What young adult doesn't have a few friends over? You weren't even there! Very unfair to chuck him out of his own home when you go away.

Ultimately you have an adult child who is in your house. He doesn't need a babysitter. And it sounds like he needs a bit of independence. If you don't like it then he needs to move out. What support does he need with his adhd? Work on this and get him out.

This, exactly.

, my job as a parent is to scaffold them into independence not punish then for perpetuity for breaking rules that really didn’t cause any harm.

Exactly and it’s funny some people are saying OP should encourage him to leave the family home and live alone while co-signing the idea he can’t even be trusted to stay in their family home by himself for a week or so. You can’t have it both ways.

I think what people are forgetting here, is that OP's post is just a snapshot of a couple of issues she has. Why are you all judging her attitude to parenting and managing the issues with her son, on just one post?! How do you know that this hasn't been an ongoing battle to educate him as to appropriate and safe behaviour? Her DS is 23, did you ever consider that OP might have had years of struggling and trying to resolve these issues and is now at her wits end? No you didn't. All these "perfect" parents out there, making assumptions because that's not how they'd deal with things?! Please don't judge someone on one snippet of information and don't comment if you don't have anything useful to say, it's not helpful at all.

@NoTouch

exactly! You can’t always get like for like. Aren’t people allowed to take a pride in their homes and their things?

All well and good but somethings can't be replaced.

OP is not being unreasonable not to want random strangers in her home when she is not there.

If he might leave a tap running or the front door open then surely there is a high risk he would do that at a friend’s house or a B&B as well. You’re ok with someone else taking this risk to their house, as long as it’s not yours? Or are you suggesting the friend or B&B owner would need to supervise him and go round checking after him?

If he is really such a walking hazard then you can’t expect him to stay elsewhere either.

Is there someone you trust who could move in with him whilst you're away?

And somewhat bizarrely I'd be really happy to one day come home to find various young people in the myriad of 'after party' states that I've encountered (ahem). As long as ds was found in a liveable state, somewhere...

Very different but also a bit similar situation here - ds22, ASD - and for those saying 'these young adult dc need to move out'; very much looking forward to that day and so is DS, but it's hard enough for many young adults (and a fair few older people too) to simply live 'elsewhere'. Chuck in a ND condition into the mix and it ain't easy at all.

Just a suggestion OP that I've operated on the very few occasions I've managed to 'escape' is to get a friend of yours to come and stay. I do make it worth my 'houseguest's' time....the peace of mind is completely worth it.

OP - I have two teenagers with ADHD, and have it myself.

What strikes me is that he's still doing all these things at 23. DH and I have had to shout train that sort of thing like leaving the tap on out of them. My youngest at 14 is nowhere near as likely to do any of the above as it sounds like your son is.

So what have you, your DH and your son himself done to get his ADHD in check? Is on medication? I've never had to do this, but putting up a checklist on the back of the front door would help.

Working on strategies seems the key to me, putting aside the fact that he threw a party when you told him not to. Because he can't go on being like this at 23, whether living in your house or not.

I did, but the OP said nothing about the place being trashed, just that it was messy. And tbh it is his home too, having a few people round and moving a few cushions is neither here nor there to me. Leaving the gas on or something maybe

We've never stopped him from having friends over, just not while we're on holiday because we like to know who's in our house

Save your breath, OP; on MN folk often don't read the updates - or the full opening post come to that - so you'll be damned forever as the awful mum who "won't let him have friends round" even though that's not what you said

And no, you're not BU at all to expect your home to be respected or to ask DS to stay elsewhere if he won't do this, but then at 23 I'd be encouraging/supporting him to move out and live independently anyway

Personally, I'd just let him stay home. It is his home too after all.
I remember the first time my parents left me at home while they went away. And my mum coming home saying the house was a tip, the main bugbear being the cushions were in a mess, the curtains weren't straight and the floor needed to be swept (she laughs about that, now she has an empty house) So, the next time they went away, I just made sure to tidy up a bit better.
Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if your house needs a straighten when you get home? I'd just be clear in your expectations of how you want the house to look when you get home.

Sorry I can't get over you don't allow his friends around. My house is a tip when we get back from holidays, dsd has adhd and is messy, but it doesn't matter, we just tidy up. Its her home