Too late to get close to MIL

Wow there are some harsh replies here.

It’s up to you, you need to decide whether you can draw a line on your past relationship or not.

I’ve had similar with a member of my family and decided to be there for her rather than live with the possible regret and sadness that I didn’t help. I don’t know your exact situation, but I think in most cases showing kindness to someone is better than not.

It is so hard
Once the tables turn and they lose the control they can see things more clearly.

Up to you how you want to manage it.

I ended up feeling v sorry for my (now ex) mil as she lived her last years in very difficult circumstances and if the opportunity arose I would have showed her compassion. I didn't actually get to see her across that time because of my divorce, pandemic travel restrictions etc.

I don’t think you are obliged to try to develop a closer relationship if you don’t want to, but I would probably try.

Her health scare may have caused her to re-assess her behaviour. If that is a genuine change based on regret over her own actions, then it might be nice for you too, to try to move past what happened before and deal with how you feel.

Unless it would cause a huge fall out, maybe you could have an open and honest conversation with her, perhaps over lunch, about how she made you feel? If she listens and accepts most of what you say, then maybe she really does want to change. Might be lovely for you both.

I wouldn’t be doing any of the requested favours though! Way too soon!

I'd probably go with it because it must be tough nearing the end of your life and realising you got it wrong. And the likelihood is she is the way she is because she didn't learn/recieve love in her childhood.

I'd be ok to open my heart but I wouldn't be taken for a mug.

She has twigged she may need a carer soon...
Don't be fooled op.

If she died tomorrow would you regret not taking the opportunity to build some sort of relationship or would you be glad you didn't have to make the choice you're currently facing?

Your gut reaction will tell you how to proceed.

@Nanny0gg the OP wrote that the woman bullied her. Bullies are worthy of hate. If OP does actually hate the woman, she's completely entitled to.
The bullys son can give her a little time if he feels the need.

I’m in a similar position in that my In-laws went NC with me about 6 yrs after we got married , hence barely had any relationship with our kids . FIL died several years back and about 4 yrs ago , so 26 yrs after she last spoke to me she decided I was suddenly ok . I play along for my husbands benefit as he still works FT and I don’t so I run her to appointments , take her shopping occasionally etc . She is 91 now so I figure it won’t kill me to be civil . This Christmas she spent much more on me than anyone else in the family so I assume she’s trying to make up in her way .

This. Her intentions are selfish and about her. She's probably lining you up for caring for them matter health issues recently. I wouldn't be stupid enough to fall for it.

I had a similar experience with my MiL. Very difficult, reluctant to help when the children were small and expected everything on her own terms. A tragedy happened in the family about four years ago and she softened and tried to be a lot more amenable. MiL is very musical and she has started taking my youngest DD to music lessons once a week and has generally been more thoughtful and less ‘me me me’. I was quite bitter at first, but tried to be more forgiving and set a good example for the children. Our relationship has improved and she has spent time with my youngest crafting and playing games, which has been great! It also meant a lot to my husband. It’s ok to forgive (slowly!) if you can and there is a real effort to improve.

Is it worth talking to her calmly without emotion or attack, outline how harsh and cold she was and that you are wary of her overtures: she may possibly not know how to be open hence talking more freely on the medication or she may be very calculating however the conversation would tell you which.

It is a tough one

Surely her 'we'll help only when we offer, any requests will be refused' rule still applies, but working in reverse now. It would be so tempting (in theory) to remind her of this, so difficult to actually do unless you are as hard as nails.

You owe her nothing and she now realises, as others have said that she's growing old and will need more support now.
My MiL has always treated me and my SiL as her own. She has only sons and don't get me wrong she can be hard work at times (can't we all I suppose) but she's always been there for us and we will always be there for her.
You don't get to be a cold bully for years and then expect the person you treated like shit to all of sudden have an interest in a relationship.

"AIBU to think that if we aren’t close after 25 years it’s too late. There’s a reason we aren’t close after all this time and it isn’t going to change because MIL wants it too."
She hasn't really, changed, has she? She's still trying to bully you, only now she's trying to bully you into being friendly. But it's still bullying.

"... This seems to have opened MILs eyes to how helpful and caring people such as their neighbours can be."
I'm afraid I see it a little more cynically. She calculated that she could have another accident / poor health, her husband already has health issues, her daughter is abroad (good move on her part) - she's looking around for a carer. A skivvy. A dogsbody. Probably she doesn't want to depend on the kindness of neighbours; not when she has family she can impose herself upon.

"Now after 25 years I’m getting the odd message from MIL asking how I am or asking me to do her a favour. She has also started to try to make arrangements to visit with me rather than DH."
Already asking for "favours", eh? Give her a little time and she'll be considering 'favours' to be only her due, which she will consider you obliged to provide.

You're going to have to make it clear you have no intention of looking after her. She's made her bed! You need a long chat with your husband, making it clear that her being "sad she didn’t have a close female relationship" is a surprise coming from someone who deliberately avoided cultivating such a relationship. He might believe this revelation was the result of strong painkillers, I will continue to believe it was the result of cold calculation - far more in keeping with the person she has shown herself to be. But make it clear to him now - you are not about to become his mother's bet buddy, and you're certainly not going to countenance being her carer. Give him that heads-up right now!

My Mil made a point of telling me when I first met DH that she'd said to the previous girlfriend 'keep in touch' but hadn't meant it.
She then said this twice more about my bil's exes. I took from this family is always more important to her than in-laws.
No matter how long I hung around, the connection is through DH and not in any way independent.
They are always surprised when I mention being there for events 30 years ago, I've been in their lives that long, but it to them it counts as nothing and I'm.on the same grounds as BIL's partner of three years.

I think it's weird. I have a relationship with my kids' friends independent of my child. I've seen them grow up, passed on contacts, got in touch to say congratulations about something. I'm not trying to be their parent or their friend they are just part of my community. I don't think my in-laws understand this, it's almost straight from blood to stranger. They don't seem to have an in between.

I don't think you suddenly need to be Besties, but do you hate her so much that you can't give her a little time?

Was she really hateful to you? Or just distant?

I agree with pp that it wouldn't hurt to have a full and frank conversation to see if there are reasons for her behaviour and if she offers a heartfelt apology for it.
Then you can decide how best to proceed

What does your DH think to the change of heart? Does he think it's manipulative or genuine?

Now that she's feeling her age and health is more important, she will have become aware that she has no one to fetch and carry, mop her brow, do shopping etc., so she is trying to now make friends with you in order to install you in that position. I think you should let go of your resentment, but do not fall for her overtures. Her demands may start off as small and reasonable, but then end up taking you over.

The thing is though, there is not a lot that is great about ageing. Life gets harder. It’s going to happen to all of us.

Do you want to be like your mil op, or do you want to do what you believe is right according to your own belief system?

The circumstances listed here could also be reasons to take up the olive branch.

We don’t always have to give on a reciprocal basis do we?

Obviously if she is a bullying selfish unreasonable shrew without any redeeming qualities who you don’t want around you or your adult dc then you’d be justified in distancing yourself from her.

If on the other hand she is a normal human being with failings and has made considerable mistakes in her life then you might want to open up to her a bit. First of all though, I would suggest a fairly honest conversation might be in order. Find out why she was so distant in the past and didn’t help? Families are so different. Some mils are accused of intruding if they involve themselves with gc. It’s a difficult balance to get right.

Definitely a case of 'you reap what you sow' and I'd add in 'too little, too late'

I'm seeing this with my 'FIL' (not married, together 15 years). 'MIL' died suddenly 3 months ago, he's now looking around and the only family that can still be arsed with him is my partner, his only son. Panic has set in and now he's thinking that I'm ok, after a decade of bad mouthing me to all that would listen. Yeah mate, not happening. Too little, too late.

I never found my inlaws particularly warm, they were very different from my family. However when DFiL died I got to know DMiL better. She opened up to us a little while after the funeral that she worried what would happen if she collapsed and no one would know. So it was decided that we would text each other every morning and so we did for several years until she moved and is living next door to her daughter and son in law. I didn't expect to build a relationship with her but I did and for the past 10 years or so I have seen a very different side to her. She even came and lived with us for a month while she was between properties.

It up to you really. Only you can say if this is genuine regret or for show.

I never really got on with dmil. She was a bit bossy and always right. She has always been great with the kids though which I am grateful for and she’s not a bad person, just opinionated and set in her ways. As I’ve got older I’ve mellowed too and it’s much easier for me now to not argue and let her be right!!! Since my dm died she has been exceptionally kind. She lost her dm a year before mine and I regret that I wasn’t there for her in the way she was for me.

If care is required I likely will end up doing it (by choice). Her own dd isn’t the most present and she wouldn’t want her ds’s to help so it will fall to me. In fairness she would hate to be reliant on anyone so I very much hope it doesn’t come to that as it would make her unhappy. I actually don’t mind looking after her as required as she has been very good to my dc. We’ve bickered but she’s been in my life for 25 years so I couldn’t see her struggle.

Her daughters now live abroad and she's had a health scare and is now suddenly aware of her own and her husband's mortality and that may need you a lot more in later life. Yes, it sounds very much like she's buttering you up to help with them later.

Continue to distance yourself.

I have always found my ILs difficult.

Now that I'm older I can look back & see things that I could have handled better.

Things that seemed so important to me at the time.

Nothing that led to arguments but maybe coloured my dislike of them too much iyswim.

I supposed I have softened a bit!

All of that said , if MIL suddenly wanted to be a friend I wouldn't want it.

If for nothing else that we are just so different there's never going to be anything there other than politeness/civility!
(From either side)

Buttering you up for her future care needs

You reap what you sow. Maybe she's offering an olive branch, or call me cynical - maybe she's only just realised (after hospital admissions) that they're both getting older and will need help themselves with care/admin, her daughter lives abroad, so it'll fall to you and your DH (by default probably you) to help her/them out.

It's up to you. I'd have a chat with her if you can and set expectations about what will work for you.