Too late to get close to MIL

I forgive people partially because it helps me…I get over the hurt and don’t relive the pain. You don’t have to forget, but I guess I would at the least rather have the relationship be neutral rather than painful; it might mean talking to her, telling you how you feel, and seeing if you can move past it. You may not be able to do that, but if you can, and if you can mutually come to at least an understanding, it might be emotionally easier for you. All the best to you.

My MIL has behaved terribly. I would never say no but I would need some words from her that show she has reflected on her behaviour and understands where she went wrong, and I have some hope she will be different. There might be too much water under the bridge for more than a merely civil and polite relationship though.

For you, I suppose it depends if she has fallen on the side of things that are unforgivable or not. Was she merely cool or overtly cruel? Has she directly spoken to you and expressed regret? Is she showing a real interest in you or just wanting someone who can meet her needs?

Only you can decide but there is no wrong decision. Just what is right for you.

Why would MIL bequest OP anything? Surely that would go to MIL’s DC.

surely then it’s up to MIL’s own DC to attend to their mother.

OP, personally I’d be polite and remote and step in if I wanted, but I wouldn’t put myself out. I’d also tell her to ask her son if her requests become frequent.

Forgiveness is not a given just because the person who has caused harm feels it should be. And even if you do forgive MIL for bullying you, does not mean you have to now dance attendance to her because she wants you to. I’ve forgiven people with never ever having any intention of allowing them near me ever again.

So would.You be happy accepting any inheritance then?

@AuntAir yes that is weird!!!

@Greenparakeetss

It takes a lot of years of trying to be pleasant, trying to be a warm and thoughtful daughter/DIL, being a people pleaser with a deep breath taken and a smile plastered on your face, absorbing the aggression, slights and many sly paper cuts before you decide that distance both emotionally and physically is much better for your own survival. Unraveling that can be hard and you may ask yourself why you'd want to do this. I was in this position when, after decades of physical and mental cruelty, my "D"F seemed to face his own mortality and wanted to be my best friend, with me doing all the running. He was surprised when I declined to come to heel. Think hard about what you will actually do and what it will cost you OP.

BTW what help is your MIL requesting and getting from her son? 🌹

That would be my advice

So when you needed support there was none from her but NOW she's getting older !

I think we can see what she's after ... you looking after her in old age.

I personally would just carry on as normal.

What's that saying "you reap what you sow "

I agree with you that she’s made her own bed. She’s behaved horribly. But she does sound lonely.
It’s up to the OP of course to decide what to do and they are ultimately holding all the cards in this.
I think forgiveness is an easier emotion to deal with than carrying extreme dislike/hate for someone, especially a person you will continue to have contact with to some degree. Tolerance is difficult at times but can be better for you if you can be tolerant. And yes, I’m speaking from experience - it’s not easy.
I’d reach out very tentatively and not be afraid to retract or speak up if a situation arose in the future.

You can't change the past, but you can try to improve the present. But only if you want to.
Sounds like you don't want to. What have you got to lose if you have a better relationship with her?

@SingsongSu bullies do not make amends by wanting favours from their victims.
Why are so many people wittering on about 'lonely old lady'? We don't know if the woman is old or lonely.

A great, easy way to not be lonely is to not bully people.

This is lovely.

Oh dear, some of these replies make me so sad. If someone genuinely sees the error of their ways and makes a change, doesn’t that deserve a bit of a second chance? Or are we all just written off for ever? Others what’s the point in anyone ever apologising and changing? If it was me, of course I’d take it slowly and warily, but I’d try and take the gestures she is making in good faith and let her start trying to make it up to you.

I guess you could do a tester and if that doesn't go well then back off

I feel a bit sad reading these replies.
Does she just want a skivvy and to be a bully or has she realised albeit very late that her family are important and she wants to make amends?

People do change sometimes and when shit happens it can make you re evaluate your life.

Only you can decide OP.

It’s a tough one - I had a really difficult relationship with my MiL for the first 10 years of my relationship, she could be really horrible!! It all came to a head and we had a huge disagreement but since then we have both made a big effort with each other & have been able to move past our previous differences.

I personally feel much happier having a good relationship with her - it just takes away so much stress and drama.

It’s your call and your feelings are valid but I’m all about giving more chances and seeing if something lovely can develop

Thé answers you get are going to fall starkly into two camps : the ‘let her stew, I will enjoy my revenge’ or the ‘ try to forgive and build a better relationship ‘.

Only you can decide which sort of person you would rather be.🕊

I don't know.
Perhaps your MIL's attitude was due to her own upbringing where it was modelled to her that 'parents were always right' and that female friendships don't have a place after school as a woman's role is with her family.

And maybe she has since observed the way you are with your own family and realised that her own upbringing is not the only way - and perhaps not the right way ?
I can't imagine you and she could ever become 'close' but improved relationships are generally beneficial - obviously if you have time and it's not all one way.

Lonely old lady possibly. Where was op's support as a new dm many years ago?

Chat to her but don't do any favours.
Do you work? Now might be a good time to start full-time hours to get out of any caring responsibilities.

I'm going to go slightly countergrain here and say that if you have any common ground whatsoever it wouldn't hurt to have tea and cake with a lonely old woman.

She obviously has huge difficulty expressing her emotions but she may have been conditioned that way.

I think you're right to be wary and careful that this new approach is a different stalking horse to getting her own way.
But, she's an old lady whose world has shifted and she might be rethinking her role in being a bit remote from her own children.
I was never close to my MIL, she was pleasant enough but her personality didn't invite closeness or affection. Until my FIL died.
She came to live with us while we sorted out future arrangements for her as she couldn't live alone (hidden dementia) and she and I were rather thrown together. Understandably she was very sad and reluctant to let DH help her dress etc.
So, despite my own reluctance I did help and actually it was a good thing for both of us. We never became best friends but even as her dementia progressed she was always pleased to see me and introduced me as 'her friend'. I think she didn't know who I was but kept a sense of me being someone she liked.
So, I guess what I am saying is, maybe there's a genuine glimmer for some degree of reconciliation?