Play dates - anyone else's child never invited?

@TheYearOfSmallThings Yes! I also notice that people are much more comfortable letting us into their houses once they’ve seen that we live in chaos and feed the kids supermarket pizza.

I love playdates as it entertains my very needy 6 year old for a few hours - he's useless at independent play so having a friend round gives me a nice break! I do tend to host though as he's quite fiery and has insane energy levels. When he first started school he was invited on lots of playdates but only a few have ever asked him again 😔Yes my house gets trashed, but it's worth the tidy-up.

This. Our house looks grandiose from the outside, but is a wreck within, and while I work flexibly enough to be able to host playdates fairly often, I'm usually in my study at the top of the house, while the children eat hastily-prepared pasta and tomato sauce and run riot below. DS is a sociable only child, so I've always had lots of other children around.

I honestly have difficulty fathoming that someone who refuse to have other children around because they're too houseproud to deal with mess. No wonder so many Mners struggle with friendships in general.

We had this, and my DD got fed up.of always having to share her toys and never being able to go elsewhere and play with her friends toys. I also got fed up of always doing the hosting. So I stopped. I know my daughter would enjoy an occassional playdate, but we only do with friends who reciprocate or we go out to soft play etc.

I had one group of friends who in 4 years never once invited us to their homes. Not once. I know others in the small group were invited sometimes, but I got fed up of the assumption I would always be happy to host. Even when we had 6 months with no garden including over the summer, no actual offer of a garden run around appeared despite some noises about it.

Same group used to meet up in the evenings fairly regularly, it was pretty much expected that because I didn't drink, I would drive round to collect and drop everyone off. Once, just once, someone else offered to drive, but said it was too far out of their way to collect me - they literally had to drive within 200 metres of the end of my road to get to the place we were meeting. That was the beginning of the end as I was already a bit resentful!

I understand some people work/have busy lives/are having work done at home so can't always offer to host, but to always have it just one way is taking the piss and I don't tolerate it any more.

I'm happy with the occasional play date. I'm a single mum, I work school hours but demanding job (SEN TA) my DC both do 3 clubs a week and we live in a small terrace house.

Some of the people that don't reciprocate are in the same circumstances as me but not single mums and others have dificult circumstances like massive age gaps between DC so they often like the younger ones to spend time with mine while the other parent in thier set-up is dealing with a houseful of teenagers.

This is one area of my life I feel in control of. If they had loads of play dates at least I don't have to go all over the place picking them up. Also, I'd rather have a house full of kids than be hanging around in the park even though our parks are nice!

I agree with this. I think many kids lives are so structured these days that there is no space for spontaneity and fun times with friends and friends are not a priority over family time and activities. I think this will create some very lonely teenagers and young adults.

My kids are older now and one doesn't live at home anymore but when they were kids just 10-15 years ago or so they had plenty of friends who came over and they went to their places. They didn't wreck the place, they just played, watched movies, went in the garden etc. It sounds like a playdate these days has expectations of being something grand that needs clearing up after and arranging way in advance.

I have found that people mainly just don't want the hassle and mess at their own house (but are happy for me to take all that on time and time again 🤷)

Maybe they would be happiest with no playdates, but if you are inviting their child then they would be disappointing both children by saying no. Would you prefer them to say "No thank you, because we wouldn't want to reciprocate"?

I do lots of playdates because it suits me to do so. My son is an only child, he is very sociable, and has a lot of friends. Some of his friends have four siblings and really no need for playdates, but he enjoys having them over and it isn't that much work.

One thing I wonder is whether you have a beautiful home and arrange excellent playdates? For some reason people expect me to have a beautiful home and serve organic home baked snacks. Once they have seen my scruffy house and the extremely basic standard of catering provided, I notice they are much quicker to invite my son around for a few hours because they don't have to worry about looking bad by comparison.

It makes me sad to hear so many DC don’t have play dates, or have ‘outgrown’ them, or are so busy with clubs and activities that there isn’t time. I was always having people round to my house / going round to friends’ houses when I was a child. I don’t know how I would have formed close friendships otherwise.

In the same boat here. I used to host playdates a lot. I like hosting and I find it easier being in my own home. But I noticed they were rarely reciprocated so I stopped doing them, and now we don't have any playdates! My eldest is only 5 and is at a new school, and I just don't know how to initiate playdates now! All new parents and no one is forthcoming. It's been so long (months) that I don't even really know what they'd play with on a playdate. I used to get out colouring stuff, puzzles and games. Is this still appropriate or do they just go up to his room? We haven't had any playdate or birthday invitations at all since starting in September. It's so strange to me! We got lots in preschool and I really love organising kids parties with all the traditional games etc, but it's like that time has already passed us by because people don't do it anymore 😭 Sorry, off on a tangent lol. I used to go on playdates and to birthday parties all the time throughout primary school and like PP I believe that hosting and being in someone else's house are life skills that really shouldn't be lost. Are kids just over scheduled now? In the end, I signed my child up to a load of activities because otherwise he'd just be at home with me after school, when really I'd prefer he just go on playdates!

My DS has never been on a playdate and we struggle to organise them because of work. I think even if he was invited on one we'd struggle to reciprocate. I don't really hear of other kids going on playdates from school unless the parents are good friends and hang out together anyway so it sounds to me like it's not the done thing anymore. I went on lots of playdates as a child but my mum was a SAHM and I think that's quite rare these days.

It's really lovely that you're able to host other children for playdates and I expect your child really enjoys them, but I'm sure there are fine reasons for him not being invited elsewhere. I would just keep doing what you're doing and explain to your DS that everyone's situations are different.

My DC is an only child and I sort him out with play dates more or less every weekend or we would all go mad. He’s rarely invited back, because all of his friends have bigger families - in the same size house we do, so less space / more laundry and mess - and are running all over the place much of the time taking their various kids to birthday parties and clubs and activities at the weekend. Most parents also both work f/t with no family support & no spare money for cleaners etc so the weekend is the only time they can catch up on jobs around the house.

We’ve got good relationships with DS’s friends’ families and are happy just to have someone else to keep him occupied for a bit, and happy it gives them some breathing room.

Is your house particularly beautiful? My daughter doesn't invite many of her friends to ours because our house is small and ugly compared to the mansions some of them live in, so she's embarrassed.

I like play dates in the sense that I don’t mind having other children here and would happily have them every day but I find actually arranging them very hard as I am massively socially awkward. When I do manage to sort one though I don’t expect it to be reciprocated which is just as well really because they never are!

Mine have never been invited to play dates but tbf we don’t do them either

I wonder if those up for play dates have less children, or work less than those not doing play dates? probably a bit- I would say I think a lot of parents fill their children’s days with too many clubs, imo to avoid the downtime they have to entertain them.

I remember one girl in my son's class who used to come and let us know when she was available to come to our house - he'd been to hers a few times, with and without me, so we had over a few times (even though weren't overly keen). She was such hard work though and DS always found her a little challenging, so we gradually stopped accepting offers! DS preferred to play with friends at the park, at the pool, at other random events outside the home, girls or boys.

I think a lot of people are embarrassed about the state of their houses / don’t feel confident about hosting.

I grew up in a home where it was modelled to me continuously how to entertain / look after people in my space. I therefore feel pretty relaxed about it, have go to activities / snacks / systems to keep things tidy.

I am also lucky enough to have a nice house, and I care about interiors a lot so even when it’s a bit untidy it still looks well put together.

I know when I was renting during a renovation project and my rental space was quite chaotic I felt horrible about it + didn’t want to invite people over unless I knew them really well already.

I definitely wouldn’t take it personally. But do keep hosting - it’s such a gift to your children to instill in them an ability to open their home and be comfortable and generous with their space.

I’m not a play date mum and I openly admit it to the people who have my kids over on occasion.

husband and I work full time and rarely home before 6pm. Evenings can then be filled with chores or clubs. Weekends again can be filled with clubs and in the odd event we have a free day/evening we spend it ourselves or with family and close friends and their kids.

If I was a Sahm or part time (or have less kids… we have 3!) things would be different. My kids still get invited places and we have sleepovers on birthdays and stuff but play dates are just not the norm for us and that’s ok.

I wonder if those up for play dates have less children, or work less than those not doing play dates?

I used to be the one who hosted all the time but I got fed up with it. As other PPs have said, some people can’t be arsed (like anyone can) or are too busy (understandable). I am more inclined now to invite my youngest DD’s friends to activities she’d already be doing, like a game of badminton or offer to take them round the shops and have a milkshake (only if I’m going anyway). Works quite well because it’s a novelty. Agree hosting and being a guest are life skills, we’re all getting weirder 🤪

We don't host playdates - I can't be dealing with the hassle of having people over. We prioritise family time and clubs too (clubs 5 days a week for one child or another, so only weekends are free but we have family activities booked months in advance). I wouldn't mind meeting in parks, but it often leads to an expectation of being invited back to someone's house. But we wouldn't repeatedly accept playdate offers knowing we wouldn't reciprocate, that would feel rude.

Ive hosted a few play dates and less than half have reciprocated - nothing to do with my child. I think it’s a combo of parents not wanting to host/ filling their weekends with extra curricular activities.
I think it’s sad as my child going to other peoples homes is a bit of a life skill.

People work. I have one night a week where the kids can have playdates. It also depends on the Year group I think. My daughter's year, no one has playdates anymore. My son (younger) is somewhere or has people here 3 times this week 🙈
Playdates also decrease along with party invites as they get older.
I'd not worry

My middle one (9) has only been invited to one once, but she's not bothered. We tend to do parks where possible. They've had horrible experiences with other kids coming over to our houses and so they're not really "into" house vists etc.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect invitations back tbh. If you want reciprocal play dates / childcare then you need to establish with the other children’s parents that this is your aim and gauge whether they are interested in taking turns. Otherwise, you voluntarily inviting other children to your house shouldn’t come with a sense of obligation for people who don’t have time or don’t want other children in their house to offer an invitation back.

My DS (also 7!) very very very rarely invited to playdates and we also never invite anyone here tbh.

Both me and DH work FT, so DS is at after-school club most nights until 5:30ish and at grandparents' the other evening. This just leaves the weekend.... except the weekend is filled with swimming lessons for DS and his little brother, seeing family, doing the household jobs that I haven't had a chance to do all week whilst working. And also trying to fit in some fun family time with the kids too.

Put simply, we just don't have the time.

Even if DS is invited to a playdate in the week it is actually a pain for us as playdates tend to end at 5ish but I'm not able to collect him till 5:30 earliest (so have to leave work earlier than usual), plus we end up paying for his afterschool club spot which he then doesn't attend etc.