Play dates - anyone else's child never invited?

Is your child an only child?
Mine is, and I found that other parents were happy for theirs to come to me for play dates but it was harder for them if they had other children; sometimes because ‘if you invite a friend for one child you need to invite one for the others’ or other issues I didn’t have because I only had to think about 1.

My middle one especially is desperate to go to other people’s houses and play with their toys! He’s started to arrange play dates himself in school with friends and then the parents have to go along with it.l!

That's shitty behavior and you need to teach your child better.

They are desperate to see their friends rooms and toys.

What is it with people today feeling so entitled to others' property, or time, or parties?

Honestly, this kind of thing is what puts me off playdates. Had invited children and been hospitable, then next thing they demand. Ok, kids will be kids, and maybe their friend has some nicer toys, but parents should know better.

I actually love having kids over and do take them out to places regularly but my teenager has some very wealthy friends and she's embarrassed having them over. Her less wealthy bestie is at our house all the time though

I don't think that not wanting kids over because of size / messiness of house, or someone wfh is a great reason to never do them either. When we've had similar issues, I've taken my children's friends out to mcdonalds ,/ cinema / Park with us instead of having them over

We both work full time, and kids have clubs every day after school. We also do a couple of activities over the weekend. However we still do playdates for my children 6 and 8. Either a couple of hours at the weekend, or one squeezed in at the last minute the odd times activities are cancelled (and I occasionally let them miss stuff like swimming lessons). They love them and I think it's important for them to spend time with their friends (instead of spending all free time as purely family time).

However I am utterly sick of having kids over and mine never getting asked back. My children are also noticing and ask why they have never seen the inside of x's house when he has been over to theirs 10 times now. They are desperate to see their friends rooms and toys. I think it's crap that people are happy with me feeding their kids and clearing up after them, but not willing to host back. And I know people well say 'just stop doing them then' but ultimately then both my children and theirs miss out because another parent just can't be arsed.

I don’t do as many play dates as I would like because, as well as the general fitting it in around work and activities and family time etc, I genuinely am irrationally worried that the kids will be bored or won’t get on and it will be horribly awkward! Is this just me?! I think we had some bad ones when DC was 3/4 ish that ended in tears and it’s slightly scarred me for life!

Yep this does my head in as happens to us with my middle one (with older one it’s brilliant as completely even). For middle one I had a mum say “oh I can’t do play dates as can’t stand house getting so messy ha ha”. We are known as the fun house as have big garden with lots of stuff, all the snacks and I have 3 boys so used to mess and noise. I am happy to be the fun house as hopefully will continue when kids are older that they feel welcome here. Does annoy me though.

My middle one especially is desperate to go to other people’s houses and play with their toys! He’s started to arrange play dates himself in school with friends and then the parents have to go along with it.l!

I have this too, but agree with the PP that it may be that single child households are more keen?

I have one son who is 6 and I've definitely hosted more play dates than have been reciprocated. As my son is an only child, I think it's really important to have friends over for him. I don't mind hosting but it's definitely hit and miss. I like hosting because if it goes well the kids entertain themselves and are at an age where they don't need loads of supervision. I can then get stuff done that I need to which I cant do if you meet up at the park or whatever. BUT sometimes the kids don't get a long and it's constant fire fighting which is annoying. I only really have two other mums that reciprocate but unfortunately it's not the children my DS would prefer to play with.

I'm currently pregnant with DS2 and so we'll see if we continue to host. In my head, it'll be easier to have play mate for my son than juggle between him and the baby but I might be being optimistic!

We struggle now with playdates due to dh working from home most of the week. Dc2's room is above his work area and last time he was on a work call when she had friends around it sounded like he was on a bouncy castle with them. Even when I keep them away from that side of the house them charging around shooting each other makes a racket which travels. Most of their school friends don't have parents working from home.

I tried to organise one for next week today. The only two days after school the child in question could do, dc2 goes straight into activities. We've had to agree on weekends. So activities are also a factor I think.

I grew to hate playdates. With 1 kid was ok, but now there are more. Extra cleaning, the mess they make, awkward situation with parents when kids fall out and no longer want to be friends... you name it.
Also the other parents aren't very helpful... have to navigate what their kids are allowed and not allowed to play or watch, somebody will be get pissy, meh.

Play dates are a really difficult one.

My parents worked full-time and it just wasn't possible for them to accommodate play dates during the week. I was in wrap-around care and clubs until 6pm and by the time we got home, it was homework, tea, bath and bed. We didn't have time for anything else.

So it's not that they didn't want to reciprocate, it's that it just wasn't possible.

I did occasionally have friends over at the weekend but between work (they both had jobs where they had weekends on-call), errands, family time and down time, there wasn't really much time left over.

School holidays were also spent in childcare - and if my parents were off work then we tended to go away somewhere, so again, not an option.

The way I see it - we all have busy lives, jobs, after-school activities, extended families to see, obligations. But some of us just make the effort to accommodate playdates, some genuinely can't, and others don't give a hoot about doing their bit. Let's just be honest 🤷

Would you rather others consistently decline your invitations for playmates? How would that make your DS feel.

From a different perspective, I feel guilty if someone invites my DS somewhere and I decline more than once, so I'll say yes. I don't want to be rude and essentially reject a child who would like to spend time with mine.

I agree with this.

I posted above to say we don't do playdates due to work etc. But I just want to confirm that DS doesn't ever actually ask for any! So it's not a case that all parents are 'brushing off' their kids' requests for playdates..... often a child that doesn't have many/any playdates wouldn't think to ask their parent for one.

And with 4 days of clubs and afterschool club, football club at weekend, swimming lessons at the weekend too... I honestly think DS is happy to just be chilling at home with me, his Dad and his little brother. He's with kids his own age all day in the week until 5:30 or 6ish and that's a lot of social interaction on its own!

I think it often changes as they get older and are more independent. At your son's age we didn't host many nor go to many, but we permanently seem to have a spare teenager around or lose one of ours. But that is because they can be left to it, I couldn't have one of my 6 yr Old's friends here most evenings as we are running around to clubs etc.

I doubt it is that they fob their child off while you are more responsive, just that different lives and families work differently. At 7 none of mine really asked to have others round.

This is how I remember it too OP and I wasn’t prepared for what it is like now tbh. It seems like many children are encouraged only to be friends with their parents friends children or cousins/other relatives.

I would have no issue with my eldest who is 10 (think the 7year old is probably a bit young) bringing a friend home from school any day and just hanging out but it just doesn’t seem to have gotten to that stage for anyone yet, even though they are all about to turn 11 and go to highschool soon and are walking to school themselves and have phones etc, the parents still need to do all the running about. It’s pretty exhausting.

But he constantly asks to see friends, that's obviously important to him. I wonder when his friends ask for play dates, whether their parents just brush them off with an excuse

Maybe they don't ask because they have siblings and cousins and the children next door. Or because they just haven't got into a habit of playdates, or they are happy pottering at home.

I think you are assuming all children want playdates as much as your son (and mine) do, and that other parents are letting you fill this need. In reality you may be handing them an obligation in return for a "favour" they never wanted in the first place.

I initiated lots of play dates and we had them equal in return. I work full-time in a stressful job but juggled things to prioritise at least one play date a week. I found it easier to have the children here because I could get on with laundry and other stuff.

I do think it’s rude not to invite the child back. At least if you don’t invite back? you should acknowledge it and explain why. It is basic social graces surely.

I have a deal with my children that I will host one play date at our house every half term for them. I encourage them to choose whoever they like but I will point out that we owe certain friends a reciprocal playdate etc so I try to be fair. The reality is though that I work full time and so I can't be hosting them every week as I have work to do. So this is my compromise. I know many parents who do offer them more frequently but many of them don't work or work part time and so they can be more generous in hosting.

I am so glad this thread appeared. I was worrying about whether or not i should arrange more playdates. We've hosted a few and DS7 has been invited to a few but between work, clubs and family time i'm too shattered to arrange one regularly.

I think most of the mums i know feel the same. I'm glad to see it's not just us!

At 7 i was out constantly with my friends, they days when you just chapped on someone's door 😂

My friends are my friends. We have a relationship with each other (and usually with dinners there is some prior mutual agreement: the host cooks, the guests bring wine, dessert etc.) Your DS’s school friends’ parents are not your friends and you don’t have a relationship with them or a mutual agreement, so it’s not the same dynamic. They accept your invitations because they assume you want their kid to play with and entertain your kid, not because they think you’re unspokenly expecting it to be quid pro quo. If it’s about your DS feeling welcome and included then wanting him to be invited to places where he isn’t really wanted out of a sense of obligation seems counterintuitive.