My eldest an Parents- in-Law’s Golden Wedding Part 2

You are not being ridiculous at all. You are clearly gobsmacked to discover that your husbands family do not fully accept your eldest son into the family . What harm would it have done them to include him. I also think you are saddened that your younger son is choosing not to be supportive of his sibling and your husband is basically forbidding you to upset his family despite them upsetting you

OP your son has not been excluded from his Grandparents celebrations , he’s just not been invited to everything. To be honest with his Alevels coming* up that’s too big a distraction anyway.
I think OP you are being dramatic. Support your family , don’t make your kids feel bad and downplay the invites you’re making this a bigger issue than it is.

Why do you hold your younger son's grandparents to a higher standard than your older son's own father and grandparents?

I'm very sorry you're feeling so upset about this, OP.

Is your older son also upset, or doesn't he know about this yet?

I think it's a shame that your husband is unable to understand your POV.

Isn't your son an adult? How on earth are you planning on stopping him? Stop trying to control other peoples behaviour.

Leave them be, if you feel so strongly don't attend. There is a ridiculous amount of drama over this. YABU,

I am distraught that DH’s nieces and nephews do not think of my eldest as a cousin. I want to ask them why.

Surely the answer is because he isn't their cousin? You sound deluded and determined to cause a huge issue where there isn't one.

I assume your eldest has paternal grandparents and their celebrations are unlikely to include your youngest on an equal footing. If your DS1 is upset, I would emphasise that fact. I suspect though you are unwilling (unable?) to provide a positive spin on the situation.

Older son won't see it as a massive deal due to OP's hysterics. He's had 18 years of her dramatics. He probably just wants to pass his exams and get the hell out of the house, and has no fcks to give about his younger brother's grandparents party.

The younger son should support his brother. Don't fall in line with the abusive extended family.

I understand why you are upset and it’s quite awful they didn’t invite your eldest, theve known him since he was 2 and he should be treated as part of the family.

How come the cousins see him as not a bio cousin? They must have met when they were all young and I can’t imagine young children especially cousins caring whether they are related by blood or not.

It’s not fair to stop your youngest DS going, he’s 13 and would obviously be very upset by this. I wouldn’t cause drama. I agree with PP, let your husband and youngest DS go to events they are invited to and you and eldest DS avoid all events. If the grandparents ask why then you can tell them afterwards.

Interested as to why a second thread was deemed necessary unless its for added drama too

Maybe they are sick of the op's hysterics we only have the op''s version

While I agree that being hysterical doesn’t help, and you were daft for saying you youngest can’t go, I think you’re getting an unfairly hard time.
It’s awful that they’re excluding him. He was a toddler when you got together! I totally get why you’re sad. Given how they don’t view him the same I’d kinda feel I wouldn’t want the oldest going though. They sound like they suck.
And what insane cheeky fuckery inviting a child on a several thousand pound trip without running it by mum and dad first. That’s freaking madness. They sound like arseholes. I’d definitely be giving the ‘extended family’ thing a wide berth. Jeez people are arseholes.

Sorry op but the histrionics are ott.

YOU'RE going to make eldest upset by sobbing to him about how cruel the world is for forgetting how special he is and how his awful brother doesn't even love him properly and his step father has abandoned any notion of paternal protection.

Just tell him matter of fact youngest will be away that weekend doing something grnadchildy for the grandparents. Give him time to be upset now before the exams are nearer

It would hardly kill them to include him, nasty bunch including your own husband, he couldn't make a stand for him, weak man. I just wouldn't bother with them anymore and if you lose the weak husband over it, count yourself lucky.

The first event described as for bio grandchildren, is an extremely odd description, please may I ask are there lots of step grandchildren or relatives?

Did you have much contact with dh family over the years? How many times a year did you all get together?

Three separate events sounds OTT, as does spending thousands.

Personally I'd take the high road. Yes it's unkind to exclude your DS but it's their choice. Does your DS even care?

This. You need to calm tf down, this isn't about you and your fragile precious feelings. You're overreacting and causing drama in a situation that - if managed by someone emotionally stable and level-headed - could have been solved with minimum fuss. You're not doing a favour to either of your sons.

I am with your husband in the sense that your youngest should absolutely attend - its not their fault the family don’t see your oldest as ‘a grandchild’ he is 13yo and won’t think in that way!

To be hysterical though - really?? Again I am with your husband in that you should not speak to his parents- what are you hoping to achieve? they haven’t organised any of these events so what will happen if you do tell them!!!

Have you actually spoken to your 18yo - you need to stop making this about you and see what the 18yo wants to do? Why don’t you go away with him that weekend or pay for him to have some nights away with mates?

This position is not going to change now - not after 16 years - however you can control how you respond to this and your hysterical response is probably only making your kids feel worse! So think about how you will interact with the family going forward and support your 18yo to explore how he feels about this and what he wants to do long term. How they have treated him is not how I would respond - step GC have always been treated equally to GC in our family but your H has allowed this to happen for 16 years!

I can see why you're upset.

Has there been another incident? You seem very, very upset about this.

My ds18 is not dh bio son,(hasn’t seen birth father since he was 2)we met when he was 3.5 and he adopted him when we married.we have a 12 year old together.I completely understand where you are coming from and if my ds was treated like this ,I would never speak to dh family again.also would not let my 12 year old go,I don’t care what he’d think.dh could feck off too.the only difference is ,dh family embrace him as one of their own . Dh family went on holiday last year and me and dh couldn’t go but they asked both kids to go and only the younger one went because older ds didn’t want to ,but the important thing is he was asked.
everyone saying op is unreasonable ,are you in the same situation ?
I think your feelings are justified op and I would just tell ds that it is too close to his exams and not mention the fact he wasn’t asked.

In our families step children are treated the same as biological children - and I personally think that is the way things should be. So I totally get why you are so upset.

However, it sounds very much like your husband's family has taken a different stance - but it appears they have always had this stance towards your son - this recent event is just spelling it out. The fact your son was never encouraged to call your p'n'law his grandparents says it all.

Personally I think your husband should have asked his parents about your elder son calling them his grandparents a long time ago - it would have been clear sign to his family that your husband considered your elder son as his own.

And yet - I don't think you can ask your younger son not to go to this event because really this ship has sailed and he should not be penalised for how his relatives feel about your eldest son. To add to this, being its your eldest son's A levels timing and it would not have been a good idea for him to go anyway.

I think though, if it was me, I would find it difficult to not cool things towards his family. I mean if they are not prepared to fully accept your elder son because he is not biologically related to them......you are not biologically related to them either.

And I would be asking my husband how he feels about adopting your eldest son so there is no confusion as to how he feels about him.

@Ponoka7
He's been there since he was 2, longer than some of the cousins, this blood nonsense is just nasty.