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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?

210 replies

Wilterh93 · 21/01/2024 21:59

Without going into too much detail, dp and me were messing around and he said ‘I can see your labia now, it hangs out a little bit now, did I cause that? It used to be like this when you were a virgin (uses his fingers to insinuate a neat vagina) but now it’s like this (uses fingers to show labia poking out)’.

He didn’t mean it in a malicious way and was saying it with a laugh on his face but it instantly embarrassed me and I hid behind the shower curtain. When I was upset/annoyed about it he said I’m too sensitive and need to grow up and that it’s not a bad thing.

I’m not upset about the technicalities of what he said. I’m nearly a 30 year old woman ofcourse my vagina will not look how it did as a teenage virgin. I just feel that it was an unnecessary comment that he didn’t need to make, especially in a vulnerable moment when I was naked. He found it innocent and said it’s not a bad thing but I know he would never say that to another woman. I feel with me he has no filter.

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly offended/upset about this? How would you feel if your partner made a comment like this? I think it doesn’t help that I’m quite self conscious of my body and insecure. During sex I’ve learned to not worry because he’s never made a comment like that but now im going to feel slightly awkward when he’s near that region …

OP posts:
MrsWinkly · 22/01/2024 11:49

BabaBarrio · 21/01/2024 23:05

You can’t really know your labia haven’t changed at all unless you check on them, photo them and then compare photos every 5yrs. They do change but gradually due to age. Pregnancy related changes happen quickly so are more likely to be noticed, but then you are more likely to think reduction in size is going back to exactly what was, when it isn’t.
https://www.livestrong.com/article/13776236-vagina-changes-with-age/

Edited

I won't be storing those photos on the cloud. Imagine the 'year in memories' scroll, sat with 2 teenage DS and the IL's! 😂😱

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/01/2024 11:38

PabloPawcasso · 22/01/2024 09:27

I don’t think it would be very positive or fair for me to state “men prefer my neat, small labia to large protruding labia”, and I think the same applies in reverse.

Not to mention – are we really scoring our labia against whether men will like them or not?

Edited
Show quote history

It's relevant in the context of what OPs husband said Hmm

quisensoucie · 22/01/2024 11:33

You forgot the labia. Should I have written 'your vulva, labia, clitoral hood and pubic hair do not change when you lose your virginity'?
It was a catch-all phrase to make a point, I was not avoiding the adult words

SomeCatFromJapan · 22/01/2024 11:25

It can cause insecurity because porn presents the neat ones ie young ones as "ideal"

It's not nothing to do with age though. The fanny you have at 14 is the fanny you have at 40 assuming no childbirth alterations, and regardless of sexual activity.

auntyElle · 22/01/2024 11:23

quisensoucie · 22/01/2024 09:24

Your external vaginal features will not change if you are no longer a vrigin ffs

"external vaginal features”

😂 This is nonsense word salad!! Vulva, FFS. Why are so many women so keen to avoid that perfectly normal word?

Devonshiregal · 22/01/2024 11:03

WristCandy · 21/01/2024 22:19

men just aren’t critical of our bodies the way we are

That may have been true once, @Devonshiregal. It certainly isn't now for a lot of men. The way some men talk about womeb's bodies is stomach-churning. They may focus on different aspects but the criticism is there.

If this is true, which I’m not disputing, they certainly shouldn’t be the type of man any of us marry. If op has married one of these men she has bigger problems than a comment about the size of her labia and should scoot on off to find herself a nice (normal) gentleman

HoppingPavlova · 22/01/2024 10:50

The difference varies by woman and health- eg obesity can cause more dramatic changes to the labia and vulva, plus history of pregnancy and childbirth- not just scarring from trauma but also prolapse & hormonal changes- the more children you have the more likely it will change, as well as genetics (the larger you are to start with from puberty- the more there is to deflate and sag)

This. Those people saying they never change are wrong, as in some people they do. I will never forget my mum, after getting up the courage after several drinks, asking me this. My nan had dementia and my mum had been doing personal care for several years and had noticed a definite change in this regard, size of inner labia, in the time she had been caring for her (she could not shower or clean herself). Mum was afraid it was a general thing and would happen to her also so asked me. Memorable conversation. No idea why she thought I was an expert, it’s not something they cover in medical training🤣. I mean, if you get to that age, dementia or no dementia, why would you even care.

Milange · 22/01/2024 10:40

Disturbia81 · 22/01/2024 10:27

Well I've never had a neat one, it's always looked like a kebab.

‘Neat’ has nothing to do with being young!

Disturbia81 · 22/01/2024 10:27

Well I've never had a neat one, it's always looked like a kebab.

Disturbia81 · 22/01/2024 10:25

It can cause insecurity because porn presents the neat ones ie young ones as "ideal" 🤢

Heather37231 · 22/01/2024 09:55

Was he a virgin too when you got together? He sounds very naive.

PabloPawcasso · 22/01/2024 09:27

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/01/2024 09:16

Larger labia, as opposed to a 'neat' one

Show quote history

I don’t think it would be very positive or fair for me to state “men prefer my neat, small labia to large protruding labia”, and I think the same applies in reverse.

Not to mention – are we really scoring our labia against whether men will like them or not?

quisensoucie · 22/01/2024 09:25

Lady parts? Are we in the 1870s

quisensoucie · 22/01/2024 09:24

Your external vaginal features will not change if you are no longer a vrigin ffs

SomeCatFromJapan · 22/01/2024 09:21

@Sunnysideupagain Same here. I haven't had children and things have been fairly constant.
My labia grew during puberty and anyone describing them as looking bot virginal would have been a vile pervert as they very much were for several years!

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/01/2024 09:16

Josette77 · 22/01/2024 02:33

Most men prefer what?

Labia come in all shapes and sizes.

As someone with a large labia I think it's kinda sad to hear women talk about their saggy labia. There is nothing wrong with large inner labia.

All vulva's are beautiful, and yes I suggest all women get out a mirror and look at your own.

It's important to be able to look for changes and to know what you look like.

Trust me, it's gorgeous

Show quote history

Larger labia, as opposed to a 'neat' one

Milange · 22/01/2024 08:23

madeinmanc · 21/01/2024 22:18

Guys, outie labia isn't about ageing, some women have it and some don't. You'd think that would be known on a forum of women.

Exactly!

Mine have been like that since I was old enough to notice, as have my wife’s! It’s totally normal and nothing to do with aging.

There also isn’t anything wrong with your body looking older anyway.

I do wish women were better educated about our own bodies.

FuckOffTom · 22/01/2024 08:03

DidntReallyMeanIt · 21/01/2024 22:19

Nah, I reckon he watches it alone 😁

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Best comment ever

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 22/01/2024 07:58

What I say is, if you wouldn't say it to someone about their face, you shouldn't be saying it about their vulva

Josette77 · 22/01/2024 02:33

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/01/2024 02:00

Most men actually prefer this so I wouldn't take it to heart!

Most men prefer what?

Labia come in all shapes and sizes.

As someone with a large labia I think it's kinda sad to hear women talk about their saggy labia. There is nothing wrong with large inner labia.

All vulva's are beautiful, and yes I suggest all women get out a mirror and look at your own.

It's important to be able to look for changes and to know what you look like.

Trust me, it's gorgeous

MerryMarigold · 22/01/2024 02:32

but I know he would never say that to another woman

🤔😂🙌

Heather37231 · 22/01/2024 02:08

Do you have children OP?

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/01/2024 02:00

Most men actually prefer this so I wouldn't take it to heart!

EBearhug · 22/01/2024 01:57

The Great Wall of Vulva may technically be more accurate, but it misses the play on words thst the Great Wall of Vagina gives.

PabloPawcasso · 22/01/2024 00:56

SwordToFlamethrower · 21/01/2024 23:45

Well no, vagina is wrong and it should be pointed out, every single time. You wouldn't refer to a penis as a prostate would you?

Same thing. Vagina is the part that is inside a woman and therefore the wrong name for it.

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No. It’s not wrong, it’s metonymy (specifically synecdoche), and a totally normal and conventional use of language.

I know very well the difference between the vulva and the vagina, and in many contexts will use the word vagina in a general sense to refer to the entire area. It’s a normal and well understood use of the word.

Agree with @bonzaitree, this is one of those pet smug corrections that certain people love an opportunity to wheel out to condescend to other women about.