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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?

210 replies

Wilterh93 · 21/01/2024 21:59

Without going into too much detail, dp and me were messing around and he said ‘I can see your labia now, it hangs out a little bit now, did I cause that? It used to be like this when you were a virgin (uses his fingers to insinuate a neat vagina) but now it’s like this (uses fingers to show labia poking out)’.

He didn’t mean it in a malicious way and was saying it with a laugh on his face but it instantly embarrassed me and I hid behind the shower curtain. When I was upset/annoyed about it he said I’m too sensitive and need to grow up and that it’s not a bad thing.

I’m not upset about the technicalities of what he said. I’m nearly a 30 year old woman ofcourse my vagina will not look how it did as a teenage virgin. I just feel that it was an unnecessary comment that he didn’t need to make, especially in a vulnerable moment when I was naked. He found it innocent and said it’s not a bad thing but I know he would never say that to another woman. I feel with me he has no filter.

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly offended/upset about this? How would you feel if your partner made a comment like this? I think it doesn’t help that I’m quite self conscious of my body and insecure. During sex I’ve learned to not worry because he’s never made a comment like that but now im going to feel slightly awkward when he’s near that region …

OP posts:
auntyElle · 23/01/2024 13:32

🙄 @PabloPawcasso

This vulva/vagina muddle actually matters. Here's just one example, from a urologist and sexual medicine doctor:

x.com/ashleygwinter/status/1523689290231795713?s=46&t=lVt-WH-GcsPlMCKrCR4ukg

Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?
PabloPawcasso · 23/01/2024 12:27

auntyElle · 23/01/2024 12:20

Really, @PabloPawcasso? Seems much more likely that someone wants to show off their knowledge of the word metonymy.

If there’s a less formal word for it, let me know 🤷🏻

auntyElle · 23/01/2024 12:20

Really, @PabloPawcasso? Seems much more likely that someone wants to show off their knowledge of the word metonymy.

PabloPawcasso · 23/01/2024 11:14

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2024 10:24

The vagina is viewed as the most important aspect tho which is why the whole kit and caboodle is labelled as that 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s like some people just want to show off they know what a vulva is ☺️👏👏

PabloPawcasso · 23/01/2024 11:11

Strikestallulah · 23/01/2024 10:14

"the number of women calling the vulva a vagina is really concerning"

agree 100%. The vagina is the internal tube, the vulva is the name for the parts visible on the outside.

Yeah we know that, it’s called metonymy. The vulva refers to the external parts, the vagina to the internal, and when referring to the entire area it’s normal to just say vagina (or fanny or whatever your preferred term is).

post edited by MNHQ at poster's request

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2024 10:24

Strikestallulah · 23/01/2024 10:14

"the number of women calling the vulva a vagina is really concerning"

agree 100%. The vagina is the internal tube, the vulva is the name for the parts visible on the outside.

The vagina is viewed as the most important aspect tho which is why the whole kit and caboodle is labelled as that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2024 10:21

Sapphire387 · 23/01/2024 09:35

'Did I cause that?' is gross. Like he feels some kind of pride for altering your body. Obviously he hasn't altered your body, he's being ridiculous.

Agree with this - it’s the arrogance. Also drawing your attention to your changing body from when you were younger and virginal. And then feeling annoyed with your reaction and telling YOU to grow up!!

Bodies age but women are conditioned to be sensitive to ageing on a daily basis. Look at how frequently older female celebrities are featured in media being praised for their amazing bodies in bikinis etc as something we should all aspire to. With so many surgeries out there it’s like you need to find an excuse NOT to stay looking younger bc there’s so many examples of other women doing that. It’s making the ageing process (for women at least) seem abnormal. Point out how his genitals have changed OP and tell him to grow up

Strikestallulah · 23/01/2024 10:14

"the number of women calling the vulva a vagina is really concerning"

agree 100%. The vagina is the internal tube, the vulva is the name for the parts visible on the outside.

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2024 10:10

HeckyPeck · 23/01/2024 09:54

🤮🤮🤮

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Snowdogsmitten · 23/01/2024 09:56

Dantedisciple · 23/01/2024 08:13

He didn't say he didn't like your 'new' labia. In fact he was boasting that he might be responsible for it. Men and their love of conquering/acquiring new lands. He was enjoying being with you and you flipped.

I suspect you did overreact and if you did, perhaps you do need to be a bit less sensitive. We can't pride ourselves on being strong and then behave like children at the smallest upset or nor upset at all.

You effing what?

HeckyPeck · 23/01/2024 09:54

Dantedisciple · 23/01/2024 08:13

He didn't say he didn't like your 'new' labia. In fact he was boasting that he might be responsible for it. Men and their love of conquering/acquiring new lands. He was enjoying being with you and you flipped.

I suspect you did overreact and if you did, perhaps you do need to be a bit less sensitive. We can't pride ourselves on being strong and then behave like children at the smallest upset or nor upset at all.

🤮🤮🤮

HeckyPeck · 23/01/2024 09:52

RonObvious · 21/01/2024 22:10

Doesn’t really matter whether he was being malicious or not. He made a comment about her body that upset her, and his response was that she was too sensitive and needed to grow up. If my husband accidentally said something that upset me, he’d be mortified and apologetic.

This.

I know when I've said or done things that have unintentionally upset my husband, I've always apologised and vice versa.

wetpebbles · 23/01/2024 09:43

Why are you so limp and saggy

LunaMay · 23/01/2024 09:42

LondonQueen · 21/01/2024 22:01

I'd brush it off as a thoughtless comment. We all age unfortunately and I'm sure mine will stick out someday!

Wait, is this an actual thing that happens??? Is that another thing to look forward to...

Noseyoldcow · 23/01/2024 09:41

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 21/01/2024 22:39

You’re all a lot nicer than me. It smacks of body shaming and if you were together when you were teenagers I’d also think that he was thinking back to you as a teen girl and fantasising about your teenage body.

Nowadays, now all of mine has gone south, it's ME fantasising about my teenage body. EnvySmile

user1492757084 · 23/01/2024 09:38

Some ignorant, silly remarks and he is quite insensitive.
It's okay to say how it makes you feel.
He should care how you feel.

SomeCatFromJapan · 23/01/2024 09:38

Yes if nothing else id be grossed out by his lack of knowledge and weird misogynistic beliefs around female anatomy.
No dude, your willy isn't so mighty that it can cause labial growth. Ffs.

Sapphire387 · 23/01/2024 09:35

'Did I cause that?' is gross. Like he feels some kind of pride for altering your body. Obviously he hasn't altered your body, he's being ridiculous.

OCDmama · 23/01/2024 09:28

Yanbu.

I'd find this one quite hurtful. He might not have meant it that way, but the doubling down by telling you to get over it makes you less likely to get over it. He should be sincerely apologising and reinforcing that he finds you attractive.

DonnaBanana · 23/01/2024 08:48

You need to work on why you are so self conscious and insecure in private in a very long term relationship. He’s seen it all many a time and whatever he says it is what it is. You shouldn’t be insecure by this stage unless there is something more sinister going on

Dantedisciple · 23/01/2024 08:13

He didn't say he didn't like your 'new' labia. In fact he was boasting that he might be responsible for it. Men and their love of conquering/acquiring new lands. He was enjoying being with you and you flipped.

I suspect you did overreact and if you did, perhaps you do need to be a bit less sensitive. We can't pride ourselves on being strong and then behave like children at the smallest upset or nor upset at all.

Sceptical123 · 22/01/2024 21:40

SpicyMoth · 22/01/2024 18:43

I often think foreskin's look like those magic worm things you'd see on those boxy TV's in toy shops on holiday, maybe make your own comparisons? :')

😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Josette77 · 22/01/2024 20:22

I think it's weird we refer to small inner labia as "neat" as though big labia are messy.

And yes labia change during arousal. They get fuller.

SpicyMoth · 22/01/2024 18:43

I often think foreskin's look like those magic worm things you'd see on those boxy TV's in toy shops on holiday, maybe make your own comparisons? :')

Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?
Disturbia81 · 22/01/2024 18:06

SomeCatFromJapan · 22/01/2024 11:25

It can cause insecurity because porn presents the neat ones ie young ones as "ideal"

It's not nothing to do with age though. The fanny you have at 14 is the fanny you have at 40 assuming no childbirth alterations, and regardless of sexual activity.

Sorry I know older people can have neat ones, I meant more the obsession with neat ones in teen porn etc