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Original poster

9 year old lying finally told truth

159 replies

IWantOut29 · 21/01/2024 04:01

I've rewrote this a few times now and now I'm crying because despite the fact shes now telling the truth about lying i'm worried strangers on the internet are going to think I'm lying 🤦‍♀️ I dont even know what I want from posting this, I've barely spoke to anyone aside from family about all of this because I've been so ashamed and paranoid people would think it was true. Now shes finally told the truth I still feel anxious and worried

Sorry, this is going to be long but basically my DD9 has been accusing me of hurting her for the last 18 months. The accusations have gotten bigger and bigger. She is suspected Autism/ADHD and is on the neuro referal pathway. She hurts herself at school frequently, vomits most days and has threatened to kill herself more times than I can count at school

We are on a child protection plan because although it has never been proven nor has she ever had any Mark's, because she has been consistent in her stories they said she was at risk of harm.

We were put on the plan during the 6 weeks holidays and I was really upset as school would of been able to prove that one accusation was 100% not true, but they couldnt ask they didnt attend the meeting as it was in the 6 weeks holidays. She said that I beat her up on holiday and slammed her head against the walls.... I did not go on holiday with her and she stayed in a teepee/tent kind of thing

I asked why when there was no proof or injuries or Mark's and they said because she had been consistent with what she had been saying she was at risk of harm.

Our social worker has been absolutely amazing and I have a good relationship with her. My DD recently had 8 weeks off school as she accused a teacher of hurting her too and there was a big investiagtion. During this time she was seen regularly by a counsellor and her social worker, plus she goes to the local community club and has days out with them.

She has recently gone back to school on a phased return and on the 2nd day I went to pick her up at the agreed time and could hear her crying in the safeguarding teachers room. I couldnt hear what she was saying, just heard her getting really upset saying she wanted to go home and the teacher saying she couldnt go home if what she was saying was true

This time, she had a meeting with an advocacy person about the allegation with the teacher and told her that I hadnt let her see anyone during the time she was off school, I didnt let her speak to her social worker alone, she doesnt have a quilt at home and that I beat her up on her birthday and punched her in the face..... I have loads of pictures/videos of her birthday and we were out all day with family too,

So I sent the social worker pictures/videos of days before/after and during her birthday, she could prove that she had seen DD alone and that DD has been to counselling sessions alone and that she has been to the clubs and days out alone.

The police said they were not going to investigate any further and were happy to leave it with social services but they did want to go round to the house to check DD had quilt and a pillow ect.

She spoke to the police and our social worker and told them all that it wasnt true, she thought because she was still having meetings about it that they wanted her to say she was being hurt, she didnt want them to call her a liar, she doesnt like the meetings because they always go silent and just look at her. She didnt want safeguarding teacher in the meeting with her and told our social worker it was because she didnt want the teacher to know she was lying

Me, school, social and the police have all said she wouldnt get in trouble for lying, we are all here to keep her safe and the police said to me after that hopefully seeing the police in person might show her that there are real consequences to her words. They also told me that she said to the social worker " I hold all the dominance now" and when asked what she meant she said "in the house, I hold all the power now" which the police said shows that she knows she has power behind her words

Unfortunatly they still havnt had the strategory meeting, it was supposed to be on the Wednesday, then the Thursday then the Friday but each day got moved again as someone or other couldnt attend. Soni assume it will be Monday now and I'm so anxious about it

I asked the police what would happen now as I was worried I was going to get arrested and they said I wouldnt be arrested, they wouldnt be investigating further and were leaving it with social. I am a very anxious person and said to them are you sure because I'm worried theres going to be an ambush and they said they had to tell me beforehand what they were going to say in the meeting and that they wernt going to do anything

My social worker has been brilliant all the way through this, has said how well we get on what a good bond we have, how happy and relaxed she is around me, has said it seems to be a school issue as it's only in school she says these things and that it was weird that she hadnt said any of these things to her, her counsellor or anyone else and said it to a complete stranger she had never met before.

I'm so relieved shes told the truth but I just feel so sad and empty about it. It's been such a stressful awful time, I've lost so much weight through the stress of it all, I havnt slept properly for months.

I feel horrible for her that its recorded down that she has told lies. With the police aswell shes 9 years old. What if somthing happens to her when shes older and she isnt believed because she told fibs when she was little?

I've felt horrible all the way throughout all of this. With the police the other day she looked so uncomfortable and I wanted to stroke her arm and give her a cuddle for reassurance but I didnt want the police to think I was trying to silence her. She kept looking at me for reassurance when they were asking her questions and I had to ask her not to look at me as I was worried the police would take that as she was scared to speak infront of me. I said all of this infront of the police and they said no not at all, sit with her it's fine.

I dont know why I'm so upset about it, shes told the truth now, social have always been really supportive all the way through this, I dont have to do anything on this plan it has all been arou f support for me DD, they havnt asked me to do a single thing

I cant stop crying tonight I dont even know what I. Hoping to gain from posting this, I just need to get it out of me

If you got to the end thank you for reading,

This is very outing so I may well ask mumsnet to remove it at some point,

OP posts:
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Sunshineandgrapefruit · 12/05/2025 13:26

You should be upset and she should be told how serious her actions are. She could have been removed from your care. Does it happen at set times eh after she's been told off/ pulled up for something? If so you need to make it clear that while it will be taken seriously the thing she was told off about will still be dealt with irrespective and this won't work as deflection.

1SillySossij · 12/05/2025 09:46

nottaotter · 21/01/2024 06:02

@Josette77 A child feeling ashamed is something to be avoided, they don't have the brain capacity or emotional maturity to deal with it, it just makes them feel worthless and damages self esteem.

Rubbish! Shame at one's poor behaviour is how we develop a conscience!
She needs to be aware of the consequences she could have landed on you, and that poor teacher she falsely accused (who incidently I didn't notice the op spare a thought for) and feel the weight of the seriousness of her actions

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2025 08:55

@Itwasafterallallaboutme

I don't want to be that parent but from my own personal experience behaviour gets worse after ipad exposure and too long on the xbox etc but especially the ipad no idea why my youngest has had a fire tablet for ages got an ipad and jeeze the bad behaviour skyrocketed he is allowed to use it but not for long and if he kicks off he loses privileges for a day or two

But yes make your own thread I'm sure others will have more help for you

My only other thoughts are that he is 7? How many PlayStation games are suitable for a 7 year old? We have an Xbox because the content for younger children is more available and to be fair at age 7 the most my children were playing was a ds

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 12/05/2025 08:40

OhHoney · 12/05/2025 01:30

Hi, I am not sure how long ago this thread was but I’m going through the same now. Brace yourself as it’s long, but even if i have no reply at least ive got it off my chest as I’ve been doodling “why my 7 year old hits me” “why my 7 year old is lying” and crying all night. I’m a midwife. I know how serious we take these allegations. And I have read a lot of stuff tonight saying “children don’t lie” but I can assure you this one has. And maybe someone will see this and feel reassured!

DS is 7 and has a 7 month old brother. He has told me DH has hit and hurt him over the course of the past few months. He said it 3x to me and I was starting to question if my DH had been. 4th time he said it I was sat on the sofa minding my own business and he was playing PS5 and it was time to come off and he went mad saying no etc. DH went over and took the controller from his hands. Baby was napping upstairs, DS ran over to me shouting daddy strangled him. I was there. I saw he didn’t touch him at all. The relief on my husbands face when he finally accused him infront of me. I was like he didn’t touch you buddy. He said ok well he gripped my tummy with his legs, which he didn’t so I explicitly said “you are lying” whilst also being a parent and trying to console him. I am very big
on making sure he is aware his emotions are valid and accepted and that “it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to shout, it’s okay to cry, these are valid emotions” but I will not tolerate blatant lies or aggression.

That put to bed the horrid concerns, which I never believed) had about my DH. We’re also super clear on boundaries with our children. We defo parent diff, he’s hard I’m soft, but if he ever touched my children he would be out the house and I’d file for divorce. He never has, and he absolutely never would. And neither would I, and he feels the same about that.

Anyway, few weeks back DC wouldn’t come off the PS5 and we had a row, told me I’m the worst mother ever, this was the worse day of his life and he wished he was dead (tf is a 7 year old saying that?). He then tried to throw his iPad at me when I was sat on the sofa holding his brother. I grabbed it before he launched it and then took his arm that was holding it and made him sit down and calm down because he was being absolutely crazy. I didn’t hurt him but he went wild scramming and crying so after I had sent him upstairs because I was absolutely FURIOUS he would throw that at me let alone his baby brother, he then begged me “please don’t tell daddy because he will beat me”. When DH came in from work I did tell him infront of DS and then he went on to tell DH that I had tried to break his collarbone. Few days later he was laying on the floor playing and I put my foot on his bum and shuggled it like I used to when he was a baby as it used to make him giggle. He went mental. Screaming and shouting that I had stamped on his back. Ran up to tell DH.

Last weekend we went to the pub and had a lovely afternoon, he was play fighting with my dad. Got in the car for the drive home and told me that “grandad had kicked him in his private parts”. I text my dad to say play fighting is ok but don’t do that and my dad was gobsmacked and said to tell DS there will be no more play fighting if he keeps lying like that (baring in mind I didn’t believe it cus my dad would never!). I then told DS what my dad had said and he said “oh maybe it was here but maybe it was here (his leg)” so I said well show me… eventually he said it was his leg and admitted that he lied.

I am very much an advocate for my children and I will always stand up for them. But at present DS1 is driving us up the wall. I almost reported my own husband, who I was SURE wasn’t doing anything, and I had explicitly asked if daddy had been hurting him and he said no. He’s then since accused me and my dad. He’s accused me infront of my mum when I nudged him with my elbow to get his attention to show him something. He shouted that I had punched him.

Yesterday I told him it was time to come off iPad and get ready for bed as he has 30mins left “why would I care about that”. Told me he will just go out of the house and run away if I put him to bed. I was having a smoke in the garden and he came out and booted the football directly at me and it hurt me… but he explicitly knows I am scared of the ball hitting me (I never go in goal when I play with him etc.. he’s very aware). Being really destructive with things like DA2 jumparoo. Grabbed it smashing it into the wall. Told me he’ll take my phone off me and smash it up. I was walking up the stairs with DS2 and he wouldn’t move and then purposely tried to trip me up.

I was napping on the sofa this afternoon. DH watching football on telly and DS on iPad, DS2 napping in cot upstairs. Woke up when DS slapped DH cus he said it as time to come off PS5. Didn’t question it as honestly thought I dreamt it and DH didn’t say anything when I woke. Tonight, DH putting DS to bed and DS came to say goodnight. Asked to stay up and I said no as I had already agreed with him extra 15mins and then bed. He was all hitting the bed, throwing cushions on the floor. So I then said “urghhh whatever” like he did. He came
over and slapped me. Twice he’s slapped
someone in one day. I will NOT tolerate aggressive behaviour like that but I am honestly sat here 0128 Monday morning meant to be asleep crying because I’m at my witts end. His behaviour is causing friction between me amd DH.

Sorry for the rant, but just know I’m here… and I believe you when you say they’re lying. Please private message me.

Dear @OhHoney Please make this into a new thread as I feel that you need an awful lot of good advice, and I am worried you won't get it on the back of someone else's thread.

Unfortunately, I don't think that I have anywhere enough knowledge about such a serious issue, although I do think it would be a good idea to say in your OP when this very worrying behaviour first started, because as an outsider it would be obvious to assume that your DS's behaviour has something to do with the birth of your second child?

I also think that you need to speak to his GP about this - without your DS being present - and the head of your DS's school as well.

One of my big worries is how does your son know to say the things he says, and to be so violent. Could he be watching tv programmes that sare way above what is appropriate for his age, or playing unsuitable video games, maybe with a teenage relative?

Wherever, and whatever, the cause of his behaviour is, I feel terribly sorry for you, your DS and your DH, if you definitely have no idea of your DS being exposed to such nasty material. Of course my biggest sympathy is with your DS as he spends Luke a terribly sad, confused, and therefore angry little man, who seems to urgently need some sort of professional intervention. If I could sent you a lovely big bunch of flowers, and a big hug OhHoney, then I definitely would!
Ps, I am sure that your DS can be greatly helped once you start the ball rolling, and if it is simply due to jealousy of his new sibling that could hopefully be much improved, and very quickly. Good luck 🩷

OhHoney · 12/05/2025 01:30

Hi, I am not sure how long ago this thread was but I’m going through the same now. Brace yourself as it’s long, but even if i have no reply at least ive got it off my chest as I’ve been doodling “why my 7 year old hits me” “why my 7 year old is lying” and crying all night. I’m a midwife. I know how serious we take these allegations. And I have read a lot of stuff tonight saying “children don’t lie” but I can assure you this one has. And maybe someone will see this and feel reassured!

DS is 7 and has a 7 month old brother. He has told me DH has hit and hurt him over the course of the past few months. He said it 3x to me and I was starting to question if my DH had been. 4th time he said it I was sat on the sofa minding my own business and he was playing PS5 and it was time to come off and he went mad saying no etc. DH went over and took the controller from his hands. Baby was napping upstairs, DS ran over to me shouting daddy strangled him. I was there. I saw he didn’t touch him at all. The relief on my husbands face when he finally accused him infront of me. I was like he didn’t touch you buddy. He said ok well he gripped my tummy with his legs, which he didn’t so I explicitly said “you are lying” whilst also being a parent and trying to console him. I am very big
on making sure he is aware his emotions are valid and accepted and that “it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to shout, it’s okay to cry, these are valid emotions” but I will not tolerate blatant lies or aggression.

That put to bed the horrid concerns, which I never believed) had about my DH. We’re also super clear on boundaries with our children. We defo parent diff, he’s hard I’m soft, but if he ever touched my children he would be out the house and I’d file for divorce. He never has, and he absolutely never would. And neither would I, and he feels the same about that.

Anyway, few weeks back DC wouldn’t come off the PS5 and we had a row, told me I’m the worst mother ever, this was the worse day of his life and he wished he was dead (tf is a 7 year old saying that?). He then tried to throw his iPad at me when I was sat on the sofa holding his brother. I grabbed it before he launched it and then took his arm that was holding it and made him sit down and calm down because he was being absolutely crazy. I didn’t hurt him but he went wild scramming and crying so after I had sent him upstairs because I was absolutely FURIOUS he would throw that at me let alone his baby brother, he then begged me “please don’t tell daddy because he will beat me”. When DH came in from work I did tell him infront of DS and then he went on to tell DH that I had tried to break his collarbone. Few days later he was laying on the floor playing and I put my foot on his bum and shuggled it like I used to when he was a baby as it used to make him giggle. He went mental. Screaming and shouting that I had stamped on his back. Ran up to tell DH.

Last weekend we went to the pub and had a lovely afternoon, he was play fighting with my dad. Got in the car for the drive home and told me that “grandad had kicked him in his private parts”. I text my dad to say play fighting is ok but don’t do that and my dad was gobsmacked and said to tell DS there will be no more play fighting if he keeps lying like that (baring in mind I didn’t believe it cus my dad would never!). I then told DS what my dad had said and he said “oh maybe it was here but maybe it was here (his leg)” so I said well show me… eventually he said it was his leg and admitted that he lied.

I am very much an advocate for my children and I will always stand up for them. But at present DS1 is driving us up the wall. I almost reported my own husband, who I was SURE wasn’t doing anything, and I had explicitly asked if daddy had been hurting him and he said no. He’s then since accused me and my dad. He’s accused me infront of my mum when I nudged him with my elbow to get his attention to show him something. He shouted that I had punched him.

Yesterday I told him it was time to come off iPad and get ready for bed as he has 30mins left “why would I care about that”. Told me he will just go out of the house and run away if I put him to bed. I was having a smoke in the garden and he came out and booted the football directly at me and it hurt me… but he explicitly knows I am scared of the ball hitting me (I never go in goal when I play with him etc.. he’s very aware). Being really destructive with things like DA2 jumparoo. Grabbed it smashing it into the wall. Told me he’ll take my phone off me and smash it up. I was walking up the stairs with DS2 and he wouldn’t move and then purposely tried to trip me up.

I was napping on the sofa this afternoon. DH watching football on telly and DS on iPad, DS2 napping in cot upstairs. Woke up when DS slapped DH cus he said it as time to come off PS5. Didn’t question it as honestly thought I dreamt it and DH didn’t say anything when I woke. Tonight, DH putting DS to bed and DS came to say goodnight. Asked to stay up and I said no as I had already agreed with him extra 15mins and then bed. He was all hitting the bed, throwing cushions on the floor. So I then said “urghhh whatever” like he did. He came
over and slapped me. Twice he’s slapped
someone in one day. I will NOT tolerate aggressive behaviour like that but I am honestly sat here 0128 Monday morning meant to be asleep crying because I’m at my witts end. His behaviour is causing friction between me amd DH.

Sorry for the rant, but just know I’m here… and I believe you when you say they’re lying. Please private message me.

Jellycats4life · 10/04/2024 13:02

It’s a cliche, but “behaviour is communication” is so true of autistic kids. It would be far too simplistic to paint your daughter as being manipulative (I agree it’s not a nice term to use in relation to a child who’s struggling) when you can pinpoint her thought process: “If I say XYZ I get out of doing the unpleasant/anxiety-inducing thing, plus 1:1 attention, support and reassurance”. I mean it makes sense, doesn’t it? The only problem is that she got in too deep.

Original poster
IWantOut29 · 08/04/2024 23:03

SwordToFlamethrower

When my DD first started threatening herself and lying I definetly think she was manipulative and attention seeking and it is partially true, she very quickly learnt if she threatened to harm herself or said she was being harmed, she got whisked out of her classroom, away from the work or the situation she didnt like and was given nice one to one time. I can really see why that would be appealing to a small child

I think, even if it is manipulative ( I dont like that word ) it's for a reason isnt it. Somthing is lacking, some sort of support, the child is feeling that way for a reason. Whether it's right or wrong, their seeking somthing arnt they

Now I am learning about ASD I am recognising so much in my daughter and I feel really bad that I did not know this soon. I know I shouldnt because if you dont know, you dont know, but I truly believe, if children are acting a particular way, it's because they need some support in some way or another

OP posts:
Original poster
IWantOut29 · 08/04/2024 22:57

Jellycats4life

I agree and that's all I want from a diagnosis. To be able to understand her better and help her navigate through the world. I have no doubt there will be times again in the future when she will struggle, I just hope I'll have the tools to be able to support and understand her better than I have

JellyBeanFactory

I am definetly feeling more positive. At the begining of all of this it felt very much like I was on trial. Where as now, it really is just about getting DD the support that she needs. Knowing they all agree with me and are backing me up makes me feel so much better.

Even though there hasnt been any proper resolutions, I feel like we are finally closing in on the puzzle. I can see a jigsaw in my mind and I very nearly have the missing piece. I feel really positive that I can turn this around for her and get her all the support she needs, I just have to learn it. I just feel so relieved that we are very nearly at the end of wondering and so close to getting her proper help

I am still on edge every time I get a phone call, I dont think that will ever go away now 😅. When I had to go in about her threatening another pupil I didnt know what it was about at first and when the teacher said she had threatened someone, my first feeling was relief that she hadnt accused me of anything 🙈

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 08/04/2024 21:18

My dd threatens to self harm to get out of going to school and to control everyone.

This has been said by two different child care professionals.

They watch YouTube videos about how to control parents and teachers.

JellyBeanFactory · 08/04/2024 20:46

Also happy things are becoming a bit clearer and although, no real solutions yet, you sound more positive.

I am really pleased you have found support from SS, it shows that if you're willing to help them help you and work together, it can help.

Wishing you well, make sure you concentrate on yourself too Flowers

Jellycats4life · 08/04/2024 19:15

I’m so glad the picture is looking a bit clearer @IWantOut29

A diagnosis obviously won’t help on the sense it will make her difficulties go away, but what it will do is help you, and all the professionals she meets, understand her better. Best of luck with the diagnostic process 💐

Original poster
IWantOut29 · 08/04/2024 16:10

Hi Everyone, just an update

This thread received a lot of support ect and I had some private messages about it too, I still kind of want to delete this because it is very outing, but at the same time if another parent is going through the same at some point then maybe this would be helpful

My DD has not made another accusation about me or anyone else hurting her during the last time I updated, so around 3 months now.

Her behaviour has escalated at school where she had to have a day of intenal exclusion for threatening another child ( it was a very serious threat )

Social services have been nothing but supportive and kind throughout and I feel very lucky to have such a good team around me

During this last year I have been on ADHD meds and although they helped in many ways, the natives far outweighed the positives, lost my ability to socialise, hygiene lacked, household got very messy and untidy, as I had the stress eith all my DD ect I blamed the lack of motivation and emptiness on that. Until I joined a support group for ADHD and came across several people saying they felt how I felt, turns out if you have ASD and ADHD, the ADHD masks the ASD, taking ADHD meds usually highlight this

It's only been the last few months I've started to look into it and was really upset to find not only do I heavily mask a lot of autistic traits..... my DD also has these traits but she cannot mask

She has been rejected from CAHMs twice in the past when I wasnt sure what was going on with her

The past few months I've been researching and the more I read the more I am convinced DD has ASD. Social, school, everyone is in full agreement with me, I cant quite believe everyone is being so supportive, you hear so much about proffesionals dismissing parents concerns

Had a meeting with SS today and they have wrote in our plan that if CAHMs reject her for a 3rd time that they will back me up and told me it's okay for me to argue with the proffesionals if I think their wrong about her, then said that they would write an email to CAHMs highlighting the support DD needs and that they do not believe her behaviour comes from any neglect, abuse or trauma from home.

I said to them all today, how thankful I was and how much I appreciated everything they were doing and they said that it helped that I have always been open and honest with them and that I've always been willing to work with them, let them see the children whenever ect,

They told me I need to stop being so hard on myself and that I'm a brilliant advocate for her and that we all just need to learn how to support her in the right way

This is going to be a very long journey and I know we are no where near the end yet, but at the begining of this it was so frightening and scary, j had no idea what the outcome would be,

So of anyone else ever ends up in the same situation, I just want you to know that it will be okay, i was so worried my children would get taken away from me because of what DD was saying. But she hasnt, never has and all the professionals have fully supported my concerns about her and are going to help me get her the right support that she needs

I feel really really lucky, it's been a horrible dreadful time and I never want to go through that again with her, but the relief I feel that people believe what I am saying and are willing to back me up and help get her the support she needs.

Sorry if this is rambly I probably should of wrote a draft first

OP posts:
Whippetlovely · 28/01/2024 21:49

@DrBlackbird Just because a child has asd/adhd ( and by the way adhd children absolutely are aware of their actions and others feelings) There is no excuse for putting her mother through hell and making cruel lies about her and a teacher. Saying children have issues doesn’t give them carte Blanche to do what the hell they like and not suffer any consequences.

SeulementUneFois · 22/01/2024 10:25

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2024 05:34

I’m so glad for you that your dd has admitted to her lies.

Can you talk to her now and tell her you’re so pleased she has finally told the truth. That you’ve been worried that she could get you into serious trouble. Explain that if the police believe the lies they could take you away and tell her she isn’t allowed to live with you anymore or can’t see you for quite a long time.

She needs to know there are real life consequences for what she’s saying. She is almost at the age of criminal responsibility.

There was a thread recently about lying. I’ll try and find it. There was some useful info on there.

This OP.

ilovebreadsauce · 22/01/2024 04:40

The awareness of power on her part needs urgent investigation.

What do you mean?
It doesn't take a psychiatrist to investigate why she thinks she has power!

mathanxiety · 22/01/2024 00:33

YYY to @Mnk711's post.

There is something behind all of this, OP, and you need to get expert help.

I would recommend a psychiatrist.

If you choose a psychologist, please be very careful to examine e their qualifications.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2024 00:30

No wonder you're shaking. You've had to hold it together for so long, feeling so worried, with the thought of everyone's eyes watching you and a serious allegation hanging over you.

Please find the money it will take to get your daughter to a psychiatrist.

The awareness of power on her part needs urgent investigation.

Mnk711 · 21/01/2024 23:49

I agree you need the support of a child psychologist here. Not to worry you but a family friend's daughter started telling similar lies to your daughter. She was a bit older, maybe 11 or so when it started. She made up all kinds of things about her parents from small lies to very large, very serious ones (violent physical abuse, sexual abuse, starvation etc). There was a clear anger in her (in her case likely because her parents were extremely selfish people who took from her rather than gave eg her mother deciding a piece of meat on her DD's plate in a restaurant looked nicer than her food so she just took it, swapping it for spicy tuna a small child couldn't eat). She was sent to live with her aunt who determined that she was struggling with self confidence at school and who thinks that the lies were to take back control. She refused to see her parents any more. When social services declined to formally remove her from her parents care she added more to the lies until it seems like SS felt there was no choice to remove her. She was adopted by another family and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Her parents were told SS knew she had been lying at least some of the time. They were heartbroken at her removal. That was around 10 years ago and they've nof heard from her since.

OP I'm not telling you this story to scare you or because I think your DD will go the same way. I have said it because that little girl was crying out for help for many years and she never got it. She ended up going to extremes out of anger snd emotional damage. You seem like you are desperate to help your DD despite everything and that you have a strong bond. I hope if you get the right psychological support for your DD soon then she can go back onto the right path again and you can all be happy and safe. Don't let it drift, don't let anyone fob you off. Don't doubt you're a good mother.

ClairDeLaLune · 21/01/2024 23:02

Oh OP you poor thing, it sounds like you’ve been through hell. You sound like a brilliant mum, you’ve supported your daughter through all of this and you don’t blame her at all or hold it against her for what she’s put you through, you’re amazing.

So sad that you were worried about posting on here for fear people wouldn’t believe you. I 100% believe you Flowers

Josette77 · 21/01/2024 22:35

ilovebreadsauce · 21/01/2024 12:07

OP- hugging and kissing are easy parts of loving a child .Setting and maintaining hard boundaries and consistent consequences are just as much part of loving a child

This is beautifully written. It's really a good reminder.

Owl55 · 21/01/2024 18:28

There is a group on Facebook called Theraputic Parenting which may help you as this is a common problem with some children particulary with your background of DV , hope it helps.

Cerealkiller4U · 21/01/2024 18:19

IWantOut29 · 21/01/2024 05:33

Yeah I've said this all the way through and that I understand their just doing their jobs and it's right that they investigate it, but I've felt like a criminal and it's been an awful time

The police were writing down what she was saying and all I could think was, that's on record now. It's there forever. I dont ever want it to be like the boy who cried wolf for her

Our social worker is really really nice. I feel incredibly lucky that we got someone who can see us properly for who we all really are and who doesnt just jump the gun and assume. The police said that in our area social services have a bad reputation and that it was a nice change to hear from the social worker that we had such a good relationship with her

Does DD tell other, smaller, lies? On either instance did it come about after you “did” something, e.g. told her off or in some way ‘wronged’ her (in her mind

Yes but not me and my family have said the same and have said it's a school issue, but I have felt incredibly uncomfortable saying I think school is the problem as surely anyone who is abusing their child will point fingers at other people

She does not like school and gets overwhelmed really easily and the social worker herself said she has noticed that each time she has said somthing about me there has been some sort of incident at school where she has had to be taken to a quiet area to discuss her behaviour and then that's when she starts crying about me saying I've done things to her

Its had a real knock on effect at home as she tells lies about her brother too and it's got to the point I cannot tell if she is telling the truth or not because she gets equally emotional and upset when she is lying and when she is telling the truth

I'm ngl, it has suffered, but only inwardly. I definetly do feel a slight bit of resentment towards her. But she does not know this and I have never punished her for lying about me and I still kiss/cuddle her tell her I love her everyday

I asked the social worker to speak to her about it and i have gently, DD has apologised s few times and I've kindly said, I dont want an apology, I just want it to stop. I've even told her if she ends up saying things again, once shes calmed down all she needs to say is it's not true, she doesnt bave to explain herself all she needs to say is she doesnt know why she said it, it's for us grown ups to figure that out and get to the bottom of it

Thank you for being kind, I know it's only 2 replies so far but I was half expecting people to say I was lying and she must be telling the truth

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I don’t know how you’d go around this

the time in our house is ‘I’ll never be angry if you tell the truth. No matter what it is’

im really lucky though. I do know that and i bet it’s not even something you’ve done.

Cerealkiller4U · 21/01/2024 18:15

IWantOut29 · 21/01/2024 04:01

I've rewrote this a few times now and now I'm crying because despite the fact shes now telling the truth about lying i'm worried strangers on the internet are going to think I'm lying 🤦‍♀️ I dont even know what I want from posting this, I've barely spoke to anyone aside from family about all of this because I've been so ashamed and paranoid people would think it was true. Now shes finally told the truth I still feel anxious and worried

Sorry, this is going to be long but basically my DD9 has been accusing me of hurting her for the last 18 months. The accusations have gotten bigger and bigger. She is suspected Autism/ADHD and is on the neuro referal pathway. She hurts herself at school frequently, vomits most days and has threatened to kill herself more times than I can count at school

We are on a child protection plan because although it has never been proven nor has she ever had any Mark's, because she has been consistent in her stories they said she was at risk of harm.

We were put on the plan during the 6 weeks holidays and I was really upset as school would of been able to prove that one accusation was 100% not true, but they couldnt ask they didnt attend the meeting as it was in the 6 weeks holidays. She said that I beat her up on holiday and slammed her head against the walls.... I did not go on holiday with her and she stayed in a teepee/tent kind of thing

I asked why when there was no proof or injuries or Mark's and they said because she had been consistent with what she had been saying she was at risk of harm.

Our social worker has been absolutely amazing and I have a good relationship with her. My DD recently had 8 weeks off school as she accused a teacher of hurting her too and there was a big investiagtion. During this time she was seen regularly by a counsellor and her social worker, plus she goes to the local community club and has days out with them.

She has recently gone back to school on a phased return and on the 2nd day I went to pick her up at the agreed time and could hear her crying in the safeguarding teachers room. I couldnt hear what she was saying, just heard her getting really upset saying she wanted to go home and the teacher saying she couldnt go home if what she was saying was true

This time, she had a meeting with an advocacy person about the allegation with the teacher and told her that I hadnt let her see anyone during the time she was off school, I didnt let her speak to her social worker alone, she doesnt have a quilt at home and that I beat her up on her birthday and punched her in the face..... I have loads of pictures/videos of her birthday and we were out all day with family too,

So I sent the social worker pictures/videos of days before/after and during her birthday, she could prove that she had seen DD alone and that DD has been to counselling sessions alone and that she has been to the clubs and days out alone.

The police said they were not going to investigate any further and were happy to leave it with social services but they did want to go round to the house to check DD had quilt and a pillow ect.

She spoke to the police and our social worker and told them all that it wasnt true, she thought because she was still having meetings about it that they wanted her to say she was being hurt, she didnt want them to call her a liar, she doesnt like the meetings because they always go silent and just look at her. She didnt want safeguarding teacher in the meeting with her and told our social worker it was because she didnt want the teacher to know she was lying

Me, school, social and the police have all said she wouldnt get in trouble for lying, we are all here to keep her safe and the police said to me after that hopefully seeing the police in person might show her that there are real consequences to her words. They also told me that she said to the social worker " I hold all the dominance now" and when asked what she meant she said "in the house, I hold all the power now" which the police said shows that she knows she has power behind her words

Unfortunatly they still havnt had the strategory meeting, it was supposed to be on the Wednesday, then the Thursday then the Friday but each day got moved again as someone or other couldnt attend. Soni assume it will be Monday now and I'm so anxious about it

I asked the police what would happen now as I was worried I was going to get arrested and they said I wouldnt be arrested, they wouldnt be investigating further and were leaving it with social. I am a very anxious person and said to them are you sure because I'm worried theres going to be an ambush and they said they had to tell me beforehand what they were going to say in the meeting and that they wernt going to do anything

My social worker has been brilliant all the way through this, has said how well we get on what a good bond we have, how happy and relaxed she is around me, has said it seems to be a school issue as it's only in school she says these things and that it was weird that she hadnt said any of these things to her, her counsellor or anyone else and said it to a complete stranger she had never met before.

I'm so relieved shes told the truth but I just feel so sad and empty about it. It's been such a stressful awful time, I've lost so much weight through the stress of it all, I havnt slept properly for months.

I feel horrible for her that its recorded down that she has told lies. With the police aswell shes 9 years old. What if somthing happens to her when shes older and she isnt believed because she told fibs when she was little?

I've felt horrible all the way throughout all of this. With the police the other day she looked so uncomfortable and I wanted to stroke her arm and give her a cuddle for reassurance but I didnt want the police to think I was trying to silence her. She kept looking at me for reassurance when they were asking her questions and I had to ask her not to look at me as I was worried the police would take that as she was scared to speak infront of me. I said all of this infront of the police and they said no not at all, sit with her it's fine.

I dont know why I'm so upset about it, shes told the truth now, social have always been really supportive all the way through this, I dont have to do anything on this plan it has all been arou f support for me DD, they havnt asked me to do a single thing

I cant stop crying tonight I dont even know what I. Hoping to gain from posting this, I just need to get it out of me

If you got to the end thank you for reading,

This is very outing so I may well ask mumsnet to remove it at some point,

I can’t believe what I’ve read OP. You’ve been through so much and you’re still standing!!!

you’re so so strong for all of this

please PM me if you ever want a friendly ear xx

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 21/01/2024 17:34

LongTermLurker · 21/01/2024 12:43

I tried that and it didn't work! (Android)

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Ah, I have an Android phone too (Samsung), so I just tried it again and it still worked for me. However, I used to use the Mumsnet app, and I could do very little within Mumsnet when I used it, so I now take the slightly longer route of going through Google to get to the Mumsnet website, and everything seems to work well accessing it in this way.

greasypolemonkeyman · 21/01/2024 13:14

And the jealousy, my eldest daughter is HIDEOUSLY jealous of my youngest daughter. The other two kids are adult boys and she doesn't even really acknowledge their existence but she still expects to be prioritised as a 25 yo female over my teenage daughter that actually lives with me. Her tantrums are spectacular when she thinks there has been favouritism shown and she takes great pleasure in being a total monster to my youngest and has persecuted her at times but the day after she's sweetness and light and asking her to go sleep over and they can do make up etc. she also does this weird power play where she manipulates my husband to do what she wants knowing it goes against what I want. I've learned that it's easier to just disengage but she very much reminds me the type of woman that gets ego boosts from men choosing her over their wives etc. not that I have ever known her to do that but she can be very manipulative Indeed and doesn't have any real self worth or internal moral compass when she's in a mood. She just lashes out. But when she is stable, she's lovely and funny and warm.