I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

Do not leave the children with him, get SS involved.

Cant stop thinking about this.

Hope you are ok @Flabbymummy1

It’s a marital home, so assuming he’s on the deeds he has a right reside there - changing the locks would be unlawful and he’d be able to force entry.

No way in hell you should leave your children with a violent man . Do you have any records of violence ? Medical , police , photos etc ? Please take the children , contact a women’s aid . You need to keep your children away from him

I worked with a number of families in this situation, and some kids who really massively struggled that their mum made them leave. It was hard watching them figure out the truth but it was necessary. I'd try to find a way to bring them. Even if it means not telling them what's happening. It sounds cruel but your husband is abusing you and is using your children in order to abuse you. Contact womens aid for support, they will have Youth workers who can help your kids navigate this all as well. Get legal advice ASAP and if you can keep any emails or texts from your husband that prove emotional abuse or abuse as a mother. I'd also get in touch with your kids school and involve them and social services. Your kids will need support to help them understand why things are happening the way they are and to help you rebuild that relationship with them.

I'd not tell them where you're going just bundle them into the car and explain when you arrive. And make sure they don't have a way to contact him and tell him where you are. They will react strongly op, but it's the right thing. Often children will side with the abusive parent because that's 'safer' than siding with the abused parent. Plus they know the abused parent will still love and forgive them. Your older kids might be more aware than you realise even if they're trained not to show it. You're doing the right thing.

I had police reports and a s.7 recommending no contact due to his abuse against myself and dc . An earlier judge sent him on a perpetrators course.

He still got unsupervised contact against their wishes and they were older.

Unfortunately it depends on what judge you get on the day and many are blatantly misogynistic. Men win more child contact cases in family court than women. I believe the OP, I just urge caution as there are no guarantees.

You need to.prove parental alienation imo

Am I missing something here

Op is There a way to lock him out
Get police to remove him?

I could be wrong but just checking

Why should you leave
He is the abuser

Do NOT leave your children with this man. He's already been violent towards you, who's to say he won't turn that towards the kids when you're not there??

Don’t leave your kids-they are too young to make decisions-you must do it for them and keep them safe. He will abuse them once you’re not there to protect them.

Go see a divorce solicitor next week.

Fearmongering? Are you aware of the amount of women who die at the hands of men a year? Look up Counting Dead Women on Twitter if you'd like an idea. Then come back to me with your fearmongering nonsense.

These things need doing carefully and people doing them need to consider ALL aspects of theirs and their childrens safety when they plan to leave, because not all abusers say "oh okay love, see you then!" when they try to walk out of the door. It can be okay or it can be an extremely dangerous situation. I'd rather err on the side of caution for the sake of my children. OPs husband already told her she wont see her kids again, so has already taken the position of weaponising them.

You are correct in the fact that OP should not be considering what the children want in this scenario though because they are not old enough to understand.

Well at least I'm actually telling her to leave rather than fearmongering or feeding into the absolutely absurd narritive that these poor kids have any capactiy in this situation

@ISSTIUTNG what is actually up with you? Do you not know that you can encourage someone to leave without kicking them whilst they're down? You have the tact of a brick to the face

This

Please, they are so young to leave them with this abusive twat. Call womens aid or social services for advice, get a womens refuge. If your kids have seen him do this they will be affected even if they don’t show it. Please don’t leave them with him, they will be next when they are older.

So are you saying that it's reasonable to expect a 5 and a 7 year old to have enough insight into an abusive relationship (and the only one they've known) that they stick up for themselves and the grown woman who is seemingly no more capable of sticking up for herself? You think the use of language such as 'they are on his side' is appropriate.... as if they have any control over this shitshow? You think they are less deserving of being protected? I feel for OP and I want her to get help but she needs to be told straight that the only option here is to step up. These kids are the truly powerless ones and should be the priority. Nobody should be talking about them being left to the mercy of this man like a bloody wet lettuce

OP has police reports and past social service involvement due to the abuse.

OP, my ex was (nominally) primary carer. I didn't lose my children.

The kids don't get to decide who they stay with, they're too young. If you can't decide residence via mediation then the courts can decide, but as pps have said, base should be 50/50. And he may not want 50/50 when it means that he'll have to try to find some work.

Once you're out of your abusive relationship you can rebuild your relationship with your kids.

Holy Jeeze you nasty piece of work. This woman clearly is going through an ordeal and can't think straight, and you're laying on an attack??

If you're going to spew such nonsense, keep your mouth shut

I thought you were going to say they are teenagers. They're tiny! They don't know what's good for them. They don't get a say in this. It is your responsibility to protect them. That means not leaving them with their toxic father.

^^ this.
As a social worker, please don't try to leave your children behind. Emotional wellbeing support could be arranged via school or via domestic abuse agencies sometimes, to help the kids understand what they've seen. They are victims of domestic abuse too, even as witnesses.

You need to safeguard all of your children. Children don't have the context of what a relationship should look like , so if they see abuse and are manipulated to think it's okay, that's what they will believe unless told otherwise. They will also be in survival mode and need to appease their dad - see trauma responses (fight flight freeze friend)

What is your local domestic abuse agency? Contact them and get support asap.

Social services could have potentially helped you. You would have only had them taken away if you stayed with him and put them at risk. Contact Women's Aid etc for advice.
I would take the children in secret if there's any way you can. I think situations can soon become nasty with men like this and it might endanger you if you just try to do it in front of him.
You have records that show you have reported him for DV before. This will help. Any other evidence you have will also help. Back them up somewhere. Make a new email address and send evidence to that.

Take them all, build a case how he is abusing all of you. He will fight for them so that you will pay him child support…make sure that you secure your assets. Good luck!!!

Don't leave them with an abusive and violent man. They are too young to understand the consequences of their "choices". You need to get support and get all of you out of that situation.