To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

Your kids sound like me when I was their age. Bright, found school easy, but did the bare minimum. It was only when it came to A Level time and I got to choose some subjects and really develop an interest that I began to work hard and excel. Sounds like your kids haven’t found their passions yet. Don’t judge them, they’re still becoming themselves.

Speaking plainly you are making one of the gravest mistakes a parent can make. Worked as a teacher for over 25 years and what you are doing is is the basis of the commonest sources of misery from from young people.

Parents often come to me wringing their hands with questions such as yours, and ask me to 'make them want to work harder..' etc. etc. I'm powerless to do this. Anyone is.

Your children are not there to gratify you. They are not extensions of your own life. They are not there to validate your identity. They are not there to reinforce your own values. They are individuals with their own lives.

Right now you have a chance to back off before you do any permanent damage to your relationship. You have a choice about how that relationship is going to be in your later life. It's your choice and the outcome depends on how you adjust your attitude right now. Back off.

I wonder if they compare your parenting like your compare your kids?

@Coco1379 this is also true. I did fantastically well through school and it became expected and then focus was on where I didn't do so well. It made me wonder what the point was.

I still ended up with decent qualifications and I have a good job, but to be honest I value my home life more, which is obviously a good thing, but may be because I never felt like I was quite good enough to excel long term.

^^
Perhaps you are sending a message to your kids that they are not good enough for you.
^^
Then they must think that there’s no point in ’going the extra mile’ because you do not give them credit for work well done
I know what is like to have a mother who always wanted to know why I hadn’t got better marks, or why so-and-so got more than me, even though I was well within the top half. Not feeling good about has stayed with me, until I met my current partner who built my confidence and I achieved an honours degree with the Open University. Even then my mother had to criticise :
”They say it’s [the OU] not as good as others”

Please don’t fall into the trap of comparing your children with others - there will be interests that they are better suited to

Some kids are not academically minded. It doesn't mean they won't do well in life.

Find their passions. They'll do amazingly if they are interested in it.

As long as they're happy and functioning members of society, I wouldn't worry so much. And definitely don't compare, they'll sense you're disappointed they aren't your friends kids and it will do irreparable damage to your relationship.

Please don't do this to yourself. It really is just a matter of waiting until the children are ready. My friend had a son who was very dismissive of school work and most other things that she just didn't know what to do. One day out of the blue - maybe 15 or 16 he seemed to wake up and took his school work more seriously and did very well for himself eventually.
Even if they 'wake up' later rather than earlier with the example you've shown them which is working they will come to the conclusion that if you want things the best way is get the best job which could mean putting it in the effort at school/ college. Your doing a great job . Give yourself a break x

Your Children are allowed to be their own person. Yes, as a parent we want the best for them but ultimately as long as you support them and build their confidence then it’s up to them if they want to do extra curricular and work hard studying. It means absolutely nothing anyway. How well they will succeed in life is not determined solely by school and certainly not by bloody awards. They’ll mature and find their own way, whatever that is. As long as they are happy and it sounds like they’ll have good options due to having good gcse passes. That’s all that matters.
And you don’t live with your friends. No child is as you depict 24/7. I bet they have their own less than desirable and qualities or occasions where their behaviour is not great. You’ll never be told about this.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cs4SYOTr-Yo/?igsh=NTFlOXN4N3FyaHlq

Honestly, i was the bright kid who was motivated to go the extra mile and always 'excelled' . It was because i didn't feel like I was good enough, and grades/prizes gave me validation. I would say if your kids feel comfortable to be themselves, and they already know what matters to them and live their lives in a way where they are spending the majority of their time on the things that really matter to them, then you haven't 'failed' - you are raising people with everything they need to live happy (aka successful) lives.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Honestly, please just stop doing it.

I bet you loads of money all these kids will end up being roughly the same in achievements, regardless of the route they took to get there.

Sounds like you have fun and the kids are happy.
What does good look like for you and your kids. Is it oxbridge? It’s sounds like whatever they do it will never be enough … enjoy your life. This is a special time don’t look for fault.

My mother worked full time in a demanding job then came home and obsessively cleaned. Guess what? I became an artist with an aversion to housework. If you nag your DCs and compare them to others in a negative way I'm not surprised if they don't emulate you. Try encouraging them constructively and let them do it their way. The apparently perfect ones rarely turn out that way.

Do they feel sad when they compare you to other parents, Op?

Are they increasingly sad and frustrated that you can't accept them for who they are?

Do they wish you were like Tom and Sarah's Mum?

My Mum was always talking about other girls and comparing me. Telling me I should be more outgoing, more fun, slimmer, this or that. She was doing her best but by god it was incredibly upsetting and has caused long term damage to my self esteem.

Be grateful you have two happy and healthy children. They will find their own way.

I was like your kids. Really clever but never gave a shit in school and actually got kicked out of 6th form in the end for attendance. Now at 32 I’m studying for my PhD and doing a lot better than a lot of my school friends who got amazing grades. I guess I wasn’t ready then, but am now? My mum made it quite clear (without realising) that she thought she’d failed somehow and I was never good enough. I still haven’t really forgiven her and I love her seeing how well I’m doing now.

I feel sorry for your children , having this idea of not striving to do their best .Let them be, what if they are being their best ? Such pressure , maybe look at your own life and what made you feel this way ?

Of course YABU! Is this even a genuine post? 🤷‍♀️

Before they were born my 2 were going to be little geniuses.
IRL DS1 worked super hard but had a learning disability that was diagnosed late. He’s now a super kind, gentle, lovely man who has got far with dogged determination. I couldn’t be prouder of him but never was he ever going to win prizes. I’d have gone mad comparing him to my peers’ kids several of whom were Oxbridge bound.
DS2 seemed to have all the gifts handed to him, excellent at sport, performing arts. Confident. Cheeky charming. Popular. Capable of 9s and A* across the deck, but not interested in putting in that amount of effort on academics unlike the younger me. I did find that a bit difficult, but his passion by the time he was 14/15 was not academia but performing arts which he took himself all over the city to take part in so he had the drive.
He’s living his own dreams, not mine in his final year at a conservatoire. I’m super proud of him too.
Don’t trouble yourself with comparisons. Celebrate your lovely DC for who they are. I’m sure they are very special.

I cannot believe that you are using someone else’s kids as a yardstick for your own! Be very, very grateful that you have happy healthy children. A lot of people don’t. Shame on you and pull yourself together. Your kids will be just fine, unless you get in their way with your unwarranted expectations.

Do you want kids or robots?

I could have written this very post OP. I was desperate during their school years but didn’t interfere as I had been raised in a “hands-off” parenting family so I did my best to stand back and let them find their own way. They are both at university studying maths now and despite that being my subject, I can honestly say they got there themselves by a circuitous route. They are lovely, bright, funny and well-adjusted and thankfully not “mini-me’s”. Enjoy them, they will surprise you by their individuality.

I have one of those "perfect" families. 3 kids, all academic and enjoy achieving and learning. Eldest is an exceptional musician. The only thing I have pushed them on is PQA (performing arts academy). I insisted that they started as early as possible. From that they have gained confidence and enthusiasm in all aspects of their work and play, they don't want careers in show business. They are choosy about their tv viewing, but I have never controlled screen time. I suppose they don't push back too much because it doesn't get much of a reaction.

That said, they are outwardly "perfect" only. Behind closed doors we deal with squabbles and tantrums, apathy etc. They are competitive with each other and classmates and like being recognised for their efforts. I honestly don't think this is down to our parenting. They just are who they are, we haven't moulded them or been tiger parents.

Oh my goodness. Give your amazing kids a break. They sound wonderful. I feel like you have unrealistic expectations of them.

OP - I struggled with this for a while so I totally understand where you’re coming from.

but it’s also massively damaging to your kids- they need to feel they are enough.

also - nice, compliant kids who excel at school often have a rougher ride in the real world. It’s the ones who aren’t worried about being perfect or receiving praise that can go further as they’re more likely to take risks. Sounds like they have a healthy disrespect for authority too - saying they’ll do it their way instead of obediently doing everything you say.

your kids seem to have hit a sweet spot of high achieving while still enjoying lazing around and being a teenager. Sounds like they know how to relax - which is a really important skill that is underestimated when it comes to real life. They’ll be less likely to suffer burnout, be more resilient and will enjoy their success ( which it sounds like they’re on course for!)

You are worrying far too much. Thats what you are doing wrong. You have healthy, well behaved children it seems enjoy the moment. Encourage as you obviously are doing.
You have no idea but for all you know the other parents may be equally envious of what you have.