To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

I'm sure I'd feel the same as you. You have my sympathy.

But I was the friend's child a few decades ago. Always polite and good, beautifully turned out, top of the year in more subjects than not.

I was actually just desperate to please, and masking a severe mental illness that would ruin my adult life.

Are your children happy and well balanced? If so, work on the work ethic. If not, work on the happiness.

No wonder your kids don’t want to go the extra mile, I sense they know nothing they do is good enough for you. It all sounds like a load of BS to me and first world problems. Maybe the problem is you and your parenting?

A family on our street have perfect Peter teens like this. The mother even said “how lovely to be woken in the morning by the sound of your teen practising their second instrument”. This is so far from my reality I had literally nothing to say.

Mine are lovely and work well at school but appear to have opted for advanced partying rather than multiple musical instruments.

@ThePure I don't think joining clubs is about excelling?.. Surley it's about trying lots of things to see what one is interested in?

And the more interests we have the more we may enjoy life and meet lots of people from all walks of life?

I could have written this exact post, WhenWereYouUnderMe 😞.

OP, I honestly thought your post was going to be about you having children with a condition that stopped them living like their peers. I really think you should embrace your children for who they are. They will find their own niche in life, and will make the world a better place in their own unique ways.

@DrBalenciaga what a sobering post.

I totally agree motivation has to come from the child and nagging etc doesn't work...

@aseekingseeker

N
MY dc watch lashings of tv, game and so on.
I don't have and never have strict rules.
One refuses to join clubs. She's on course for straight 9s.

@Jenry don't nag!!..

Many ways to skin a cat...

In the end, any motivation has to come from the child. You can help them with goals to work towards; for example if one would like to work in computing, explore the courses and marks needed for that. That's a definable goal.

However, hothousing children doesn't always lead to successful, happy young adults. Three that I know personally: even though at the top 1% of her class, one cannot work and still lives at home at 25, anxious and abusive to her parents; another has a science PhD but can't look after himself and is socially isolated; the last, always compared to others kids, became a quadriplegic at 14 at an extra-curricular activity.

Be happy with your children and show that you are. That's what they will remember.

Sad!? I think you have bigger problems. Your kids will pick up on your feeling they are not good enough, in any respect, and resent you for it and it could also be damaging them. Ignore others, rejoice in all they do, not do. Catch them doing something right.

This. You have the kids you have. They sound great. Stop trying to change them. You will irreparably damage their self esteem (trust me). God i think i hate you

Kids will always be different.

Ask yours what they want to fo at nxt stage either it's snorer school or gcses 9r a job. Ho thru what they need yo fo, encourage them, tell them u can't do it for them.

Life is about choices the better u do and harder u work the more choices they have. Get it 8nto yr mantra.

Don't work hard then you'll fo the job u can get whether u like it or not etc.

Trust me it works

I know exactly what you mean same with my daughter she turned out to be autistic got diagnosed as an adult at 20 so she put a lot of her energy into trying to fit herself in a world that was difficult for her and I didn’t realise how much I pressured to fit in it too. Not saying yours are autistic but maybe their brains just don’t work that way

i know exactly what you mean and how you feel
youre not unreasonable

A friend said to me recently how she envied me. How my dd was always so quiet and well behaved, never gets in trouble at school, always beautifully turned out etc. She has no idea that my daughter has asd, has aggressive meltdowns, won’t go to bed or do homework without being asked forty times. Has sensory issues with clothing that makes getting her uniform on a nightmare. I have battles morning and night. Life is hell. Moral of the story- if it looks perfect it probably isn’t. You don’t know what people’s lives are really like. Sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for. Step back and let them be who they are.

What you are seeing from the other family is probably more adult intervention than you think.

If you really really want your children to go to debate club you force them. Unless it is something that they want to do. But it sounds like you are not a very forceful parent and you are hoping that your children find motivation themselves (not a bad thing btw).

Truth is, unless they are interested in it, have an incentive from home or their friendship circle, they will not be motivated … but you are lucky that they are doing well.

Praise them for what they are doing. Regardless of if the school are giving them prizes or not. Also you never know, these parents may have contacts or something with all of these clubs that you may be unaware of.

I say this as a mum of a girl who is very very capable but she would pick watching TV over going to a swimming club. But whenever I have paid for an activity, I tell her she must do a term and we will cancel if she hates it. And we stick to that. Most of the time she enjoys it if there are friends or if she is enjoying the learning experience.

My DD has been doing gymnastics for over 5 years, because she begged me. Guess what she has weekends where she doesn’t want to go - and yes, I make her go unless she is sick and she comes home with a massive smile on her face each time.

She also had the opportunity to join debate club. I told her to join but I didn’t see the need to force her - and she didn’t join. I was upset about it - I never showed her. But I’m glad she has a few extra curriculum activities including instruments that she does. She’s high achieving - maybe doesn’t get the recognition from school - but I also want her to be kid, hang out with friends and play. We are lounging on the sofa watching trash teen TV as I type.

Childhood is the only time they will get this kind of freedom.

The question is if their performance and willingness improves- when will your comparison stop ? Will it ?

It really does not do to compare children.

I have one driven and one "bare minimum", but once he left school, he has gone from strength to strength, and gets a good salary and eye-watering bonuses for the extra mile work. Added to which, he has a great network of friends who are plumbers, builders, carpenters etc. (I think you will appreciate how valuable that can be)
Working with young people, I find that there is a lot of "doing" and not much "being" these days - children who are out of the home 5-7 days a week with activities, plus before and after school. Encourage them - and pull them up on missed homework etc - but some are just not that academically minded.
They may well pick up "speed" when they leave school and do something that is not on the academic curriculum.
The conversation to have with any child over 13 is that the harder they work NOW, the more interesting the jobs open to them for the rest of their life.
BUT, while it may not be what you want to hear, my school report cards always said "could do better", but I could NOT despite spending all my time trying to keep up to expectations, and to this day I often feel a bit of a failure.

OP, you have no idea what happens behind closed doors. No offense to your friends but kids that grow up doing everything perfectly have a tendency to struggle with reality - often feeling entitled to a fairly tale status quo life. If I were you, I’d be proud of those kids of yours for having personality and confidence.

One of mine has a life long illness which currently has them unable to attend school or even leave the house most days. This young person is breathtakingly intelligent and talented but is also torn apart by something completely outside of their control.

the other is just coming out of a painful growth condition. They've been robbed of years of developing in sports and socially. Hopefully they'll be able to shine soon as they're intelligent and just a genuinely lovely person.

I'd do anything to have mine live as yours do. You are most definitely unreasonable.

I don’t understand why you feel they need to be ambitious so much? They sound happy and that’s more important. Kids change as they grow up too. I only said to mine to try your best as didn’t want to put pressure on them. We want them to enjoy their childhood and if you have laid back kids then that’s fine. Adapt your expectations and you’ll realise you’re doing a great job, don’t put pressure in yourself OP.

I used to interview for medical school entrance and if someone had Grade 8 Cello it put me right off ( particularly when added to Gold D of E and a few county 'sporting achievements') They were often the ones who just did what they were told the whole way through and struggled when they had to be more independent.

Let your kids be - they sound fine

We have children like this at dd's school. They seem to be all smiles but I suspect they have a very controlling and strict home life and are punished severely for stepping out of line.

I’d urge caution. My mother is insanely driven and both she and my father pushed me very hard. As a result (or maybe that’s just my personality anyway) I’m absolutely allergic to competitiveness. To the point where I fell sorry for ultra competitive people because I see it as a sign of insecurity. I do well at things that I’m interested in because I enjoy them, but struggle to put in effort with things I don’t enjoy. I actually did well academically, but more so once I was able to choose my own path. My parents’ pushiness had the exact opposite effect and I’ve stepped well away from the things they tried to force me into.

Give your children the time and space to be themselves and find their own way. Within reason - if they were on course for, say, dire A level results, that’s a different story - but it doesn’t sound like it’s the case here. Pushing them to be ambitious for ambition’s sake could well have the opposite effect!

Comparison is the thief of joy, and the trouble is, the more you push and nag them, the more it teaches them not to take responsibility for their own lives, decisions and practice self discipline.
And it will make them less likely to do what you want them to anyway.
Give them autonomy, respect their own decisions and personalities.Gentle and appropriate guidance or discussion may be helpful sometimes, but ultimately they need to choose their own path, and the main thing is that they are happy, and able to feel confident that their decisions are allowed and considered, even if that doesn't look like what your own 'ideal' is.

My dad wanted me to be an academic classical music loving devout roman Catholic.I complied (somewhat begrudgingly) for many years, but it all backfired when i had the confidence to stop.The results were me becoming a rebellious teen/adult with an often difficult and fractured relationship with him.Because he didn't respect or value who I wanted to be, as it wasn't in line with his ideals.
The straw that broke the camels back was when one day he told me he was ashamed to have someone like me as a daughter.
No apology fixed that.I remembered it forever after, and the relationship sort of ticked over in a rather superficial way, with repeated conflicts, until he passed away.

I think that's your answer. Excessive screen time has a huge affect on motivation and achievement because it's addictive. Just as other addictions are damaging to adults motivation to work and manage life effectively, screen addictions - phone, gaming, social media - become the focus instead of school work, clubs, social interactions.
But it sounds like your kids are doing fine.

I think you've sort have let your friends set the rules and expectations of child behaviour and excellence. And. You're misguided.

I ran a weekly after school homework club for my kids and their friends from age 6-14, teaching competitive times-tables and maths, accompanied by junk food. Too right they all enjoyed it. Especially when they did better than others in class at times-tables and maths. I expect your friends' children, with school teacher grandparents, who looked after them after school, had a similar advantage. But btw it took a lot of time and energy on my part. Just saying, if you help them be in the top performing 50% of kids their class, that's where they want to stay. (And btw all Sept-Dec born children have a natural age development advantage.)

But then on the other hand, my youngest has a mensa IQ of 156. She's predicted to get mostly 7-8's in GCSE's. You could argue I'm a lousy parent for not expecting grade 9's in every subject. And yet those grades are good enough for everything she next wants to do in A levels, which will determine her university.

With your children, work out what they need to achieve for the next step. Not how they compete against the "perceived perfect" children.

How they dress? Don't even get into that one. I'd slightly worry about children who are always impeccably turned out to adult standard. Because that's generally not a peer-to-peer requirement or expectation among their friends.

Politeness - Your children know how to be polite. Congratulations. You've achieved success. Pat yourself on the back.

Extracurriculars - Seriously, debating, politics, creative writing for teenagers? I'm an Oxford Uni English MA, but my kids extra c's were/are pond dipping, girl guides, cadets, DofE, volunteering, environmentalism, litter picking and shovelling bird, pig and goat poo weekly at a bird sanctuary. (The last two, her idea, and I had all the fun of accompanying her and joining in.)

Just don't be confined and repressed by your friends' choices. We mostly all pick activities, battles and encouragement with our kids for the things that fit comfortably with our lives. Every family is different. Every family and parent has different strengths and weaknesses.

Your kids are bright, healthy, doing well enough at school. You don't mention what their likes, dislikes, interests, things that make them feel happy and confident in themselves are.

But stop comparing. Just work out how to best support your kids to the next step, until they work out what they want to do in life.