To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

So these kids are Swots? You have to have get up and go , charm and personality and to spot opportunities to succeed in life too.
Maybe these perfect kids lack that . You will get people leaving Uni with identical degrees in the same subject but some of those kids will excel over the others because they have more of the characteristics I've mentioned. As long as your kids are healthy, happy and keeping their noses clean that's all that really matters .

I'm going to go out on a limb here & guess that you spend far more time with your kids than The Other Families. The overachievers I know, the ones at all the extra curricular stuff, relentless clubs, no time for anything else, are the ones whose parents aren't around much & put them into all the clubs rather than the kids choosing to do them. 'cos that's what children should do!'

The kids are just desperate to impress/please the parents cos they don't have much of a relationship with them 🤷🏼‍♀️. They are like little robots until the levee breaks & they go wild.

Which do you think your kids would rather?

OP, you are probably a wonderful mum and your children sound like children! ie. They sound exactly like they should be.

The way you describe your friends, sounds like, I imagine what people might have thought about my mum and her children when we were growing up. My mum was so strict, we were always well behaved, dressed well etc. It was boring and we had no fun. We were scared of our mum and we would worry about what the journey home from anywhere would look like because inevitably she would turn around from her seat in the car to tell us off in the back about some minor slip up one of us would have made.

Hi Op, like another poster above, I grew up with a parent like you. I could come home with a B in Maths and he’d ask why I didn’t get an A. I was never thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. Sometimes he didn’t even say anything but it was written all over his face. Every gift I picked out for him wasn’t good enough. He criticised any meal I ever made him. I’m in my 40s and it still affects me. It has shaped who I am my whole life.

you need to learn to accept your kids for who they are and just gently encourage them through praise to push themselves a little harder. If my dad had said “oh wow, a B, that’s great!! Well done! You might even get an A next time” I wouldn’t have felt like a failure my whole life!

comparison is the thief of joy

I like your kids more

On your second point about kids peaking.

There is a boy at my DCs school who is quite unbelievably talented at a particular sport. He is elite level already at 14. The school showcases him big time and sometimes my younger DC gets upset about it because he also does the sport at a very very junior level and he is jealous.

personally- I worry about this kid a bit. His life has been mapped out in advance for him. I know that behind the scenes is a very driven and status conscious father. He is getting so much attention for his success. I worry he is being pushed to an eventual breaking point and when eventually he does fail at something what that will do to his self esteem, to his overall life really.

Help them discover their passions. This will drive their will to explore, delve deep and 'succeed'. But it has to be on their terms.

-Perfectionism can hold many people back from trying - ie they are scared of trying their hardest and failing. Make sure your perfectionism isn't holding your kids back.
-Love your kids for themselves, not their achievements.
-I don't think the comments saying that the friends' kids sound abnormal or are liable to go off the rails are helpful. From the description sounds like they are doing great. Working hard, consistent application, and needing less downtime do get you very far in life. But big deal, there will always be someone brighter or harder working or more successful - you've got to love your kids for who they are.

As a mother with older children I’ve seen some of their high achieving friends at school not do what was expected afterwards at all, and I mean the very brightest in high school from the kind of family you describe . Please be happy if your children are doing well educationally and happy and turn your attention on something else. Stop giving yourself a hard time, focus on fun times with them and staying involved, don’t concern yourselves with others.

What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. Please take a step back and stop comparing your children with others, otherwise you really will have problems.

As a parent with a lazy teen, who 'could do better', it isn't that you don't appreciate what you have, it's the opposite.
You see very clearly where a can't be arsed attitude will lead and feel angry at the possible waste of potential.

Maybe they are riled with a rod of iron
Maybe they are just placid
Maybe they will be walked over people pleasers when adult.
Maybe it's all Insta moments

They sound really boring tbh.

You will damage your relationship with your children if you carry on like this. Why do they need to be doing better? They sound like they are doing very well and most importantly are happy. Comparison is the thief of joy. I was a straight A student, worked very hard and plagued by anxiety and perfectionism. I’m doing alright now but definitely out earned by people who just did ok at school. School is not everything. Doing debate club at school is going to make zero material impact to their lives, particularly if they’re not interested in it. Let them be kids.

1. Alot of people don't share the ins and outs of their family. However close you are you, still get the sanitised version. For example, my son, 13, is a high achieving polite boy with lots of friends. He is also awful at emotional regulation at home, has major outbursts and we've seen a private psychologist to help him. Other than a couple of friends I've told (who incidently are not part of the school mums crowd) I haven't told anyone. My son doesn't want anyone from school to know and I agree.

2. some kids just thrive in school. But then some peak there. My dh and I didn't go to fancy schools and, aside from my DH playing grass roots football, had no noteworthy hobbies. No debate team, county sport or instrument between us. My dh in particular admits he did the bare minimum to scrape by. We both have great careers, me in marketing and him in finance (he earns nearly 200,000 a year, and i earn 60k part time) - we are both motivated in the workplace and by 'real work' and.. (yes) money.

I think you need to stop comparing and focus on the great kids you have. Then look back in 20 years and see how everyone has fared. It might not be the 'perfect' kids who thrive as adults (depending on your definition of success... of course happiness is important too)

I have done reasonably well in life but I was the laziest student in my teens. Luckily I had parents who made sure I felt valued regardless and that foundation has helped me feel secure and good enough for the rest of my life. Had they been academically pushy I am sure that would have caused us to have a very strained relationship.

just appreciate the lovely kids you have, don’t make them feel like they aren’t good enough.

Indeed.

Illness in children.

Profound disability or even milder disabilities.

You are so luck OP even though you don't appreciate that.

I would think about why you think it's so important for people to always strive to do their best, rather than striving to be happy.

Never compare .Yours sound like they are doing OK TBH. Whats the deal? As an old friend said once "theres always going to be someone on 100k ,and its never going to be you!" (I know on here some earn that)! Pressure like this is not good.In part of course DC are like their DP as well! Focus on their good points and relax

They sound lovely.

Find something else you can brag about. Poor kids, let them be.

1. Comparison is the thief of joy

1. Sounds like you have great children!

In the nicest possible way, you need to think about the fact that you have two healthy children who will be able to lead independent lives. A lot of people don't have that privilege - their children have illnesses or disabilities, or have died. In the grand scheme of things the fact that yours might not work hard enough to get Level 9s across the board at GCSE does not matter one bit.

OP, don’t you have part of your answer here? Your kids are allowed to be on their devices for hours and maybe these other children you’re comparing to aren’t. Also, why are you only comparing your children unfavourably to this one family who you’ve decided is better? What about allthe ways in which your kids are ‘better’ by these standards?
Although I don’t think comparison is helpful anyway. Your children sound great, and as a pp said, in the big bad world what are the skills they’re learning now that are most important? Maybe how to have fun and enjoy life being balanced with decent academics, rather than just how to strive strive strive and be unhappy?

Be grateful that they are lovely and well rounded. I myself only do what needs to be done. I'm extremely organised and batch cook etc, keep on top of things, but I only do what needs to be done to get by. I can't be bothered doing any extra. Ds1 is very driven. Ds2 is Uber relaxed and only does the bare minimum. I'm happy he's so confident in himself.

Be happy, grateful. Sometimes something happens that puts things into perspective. My closest friend can't see me anymore because her youngest has had a massive MH breakdown and barely left the house for the last year. This makes me appreciate how lucky I am that my ds2 is do content and happy.

Blimey OP, tbh I thought you were going to say your children have profound needs which will mean they won’t be able to do a lot of things children usually grow up to do like be independent, have a job, a family etc. There’ll certainly be readers who sadly could only dream of DC like yours who sound like typical teens/pre teens.

I was the child you want yours to be but at what cost? I was quite a troubled young person and still was well into adulthood: I’ve struggled with perfectionism and a toxically unhealthy work-life balance my entire working life so far, undiagnosed OCD I’m sure, crippling anxiety, poor body image where I’m not happy unless I’m my “ideal weight”, depression caused by the extreme expectations I put on myself… Honestly, I’d need to spend thousands and thousands on therapy to unpick all of it and I feel it’s very much part of who I am now anyway.

I’m determined for my own DC to be so much happier and I’m conscious about the role I play in that and the foundations we set as parents through our parenting and messaging every single day. Children and young people are little sponges and surprisingly perceptive as you’ll know.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I was hard working, academically successful etc at high school. I went on to get a PhD in a pointless attempt to impress my parents.

My husband messed about, didn't achieve his true potential, only just scraped the grades to get to uni with last minute revision etc.

We're both happy, hardworking, normal adults. He's been much more successful in his chosen career than me. I think partly because his parents instilled a sense of self confidence that I've never managed to achieve with qualifications.

What I mean is 'success' isn't determined by your gcse grades, and that you can be happy even without being successful in the eyes of the world. Enjoy and encourage the children you have. It's such a cliche, but it's true - comparison is the thief of joy.